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Those Who Serve Are Responsible

Feb 16th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good.  In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.”  ~Anthony Robbins

It is difficult to realize that no one else is, or can be, responsible for your happiness. Although you may convince yourself that it is impossible to feel complete without the link to specific individuals, it is this system of beliefs that will limit you from reaching your potential.

You always have something to give.  Your perceptions, experiences, and wisdom carry the power and insight to change the world.  When you share your knowledge with others, the bond you create is lasting.  It is the person who sits and waits to be served who is always left disappointed and unfulfilled.

Here are some simple steps you can use to realize your power and positively change your relationships (no matter how down on yourself you may be):

  • Write down your area of expertise. (If there is more than one, great! If you can’t think of one, write down the first thing that comes to mind.)
  • Write down someone you know who could benefit from your knowledge. (If not one individual, perhaps a group you could help.)
  • Commit to a time and develop a plan as to how you will sit down and share with this person (or group.)

Keep this really simple.  Chances are, the person you could help the most is around you all of the time.  Remember it is about you giving. Don’t concern yourself with how you are received; it is none of your business what others think of you.  Build your relationships on your own terms. Begin with an attitude of service and you will immediately feel better about yourself and the gifts you came to share.

Commit to Supportive Relationships

Feb 10th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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*This post previously appeared as an article in my weekly e-mail entitled: Weekly Perspectives. The video version is below.

“Nothing limits achievement like small thinking; nothing expands possibilities like unleashed imagination.” ~ William Arthur Ward

It is hard to deny that so much of success and happiness is based on having the proper mind-set. Most are aware that a positive attitude is key to the expansion of forward thinking. Of course, optimism alone accomplishes nothing. One must be willing to take action to ensure progress.

In order to connect with limitless possibility it is necessary to commit to creating supportive relationships. This can involve many challenges because supportive doesn’t always mean comfortable. A regular evaluation of an individual’s relationships can create an environment of movement.

A Simple Assessment

  • Does this relationship challenge my ideas?
  • Do conversations support expansion of thinking or suppression of ideas?
  • Does this relationship encourage compassion?

Answers to these questions can provide tremendous insight into the condition of any relationship. With this awareness a person can find a specific direction to go in to continue personal growth. Expanded comprehension certainly shifts attitudes, inspires action, and strengthens resolve.

Your Responsibility in Relationships

Feb 3rd, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Fear and negativity are fed by false and negative beliefs about the motives of other people. As a result of these limiting and fearful beliefs, many people use flawed definitions of relationships, such as “Relationships are hard work” and “Relationships are 50/50,” to justify isolation and loneliness. If we see other people as enemies who are trying to take advantage of us, then it will be very difficult to feel a true sense of connection and closeness. When we are able to truly take responsibility for our decisions and actions, we can form definitions of relationships that are rooted in love and enhancement.

Relationships can certainly be complicated. When people come together at any level, there are belief systems, preferences, and motives to be acknowledged. However, the process of building and maintaining a relationship  does not have to be painful. Although it can be scary, and sometimes frustrating, building positive healthy relationships is one of the key factors in a joyous life experience. The biggest challenge is deciding whether you have the willingness to take responsibility for your behavior.

  • How you live and perceive life is a choice.
  • A close relationship consists of each individual’s 100%commitment to its success.
  • Flexibility is essential in building strong relationships.

Relax with the awareness that you are seeking ways to improve your ability to live a joyful life. The condition of your relationships will allow happiness to be your focal point. Even when challenges arise you will be supported and loved. As your perspective improves, fear and negativity fall away. The limiting beliefs you have held onto no longer serve the purpose they once did. The responsibility you take for the conditions in your life will free you from the need to obsessive with your fear. As a result, your life will blossom.

Honesty Provides Clarity

Dec 22nd, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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The truth hurts sometimes. From time to time, we all become aware of a painful or scary fact. For example, hearing a diagnosis for an illness or being told you have been laid off from a job are not pleasurable experiences. However, ignorance is not necessarily bliss.

When you choose conscious awareness, you are empowered to act with greater intention. With the right information and a calm mind, you are able to develop a plan of action to deal with any situation. There is someone who will be able to empathize and provide you with support for anything you go through if you ask for help and are open to receive it.  However, when you choose denial, it can exasperate your problem and you might feel more alone in the world.

If you feel you are facing a challenge here are some thoughts to remember:

  • Always be willing to ask questions, even if you are afraid of the potential response.
  • You can learn anything if you are willing to seek assistance.
  • Most people are happy to help you, if they can.

The fear you experience only gains power when it remains unspoken. As soon as you are willing to share with another person, much of the negative feeling dissipates. In any situation, ask the difficult questions. Afterall, knowledge is power… and extremely liberating!

Photo Credit: //K473RRY, via Flickr

Three Simple Steps To Immediately Improve All Of Your Relationships

Dec 18th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Parents want their kids to change but many of these same kids think their parents are idiots. Managers demand improved performance from their employees while the employees want their bosses to stop micro-managing. Business owners work tirelessly to build trust as some customers take advantage of the philosophy of “always being right.” Relationships can definitely present challenges. Some of these challenges are a bitch. There are times that we will all have to deal with difficult people. Sometimes those who are the most trying are the people we love the most.

One common mistake is assuming you will feel better if the other person changes. While this may provide temporary relief, the fact remains that the next time a similar situation arises you will probably react with the same level of agitation. The reaction is where the problem lies. Another person’s behavior can only affect you as much as you allow it to. However, you always have 100% control over how you react. There are three simple steps you can take to immediately improve all of your relationships. If you follow these steps, your relationship related anxiety will decrease exponentially.

Step 1: Take 100% Responsibility For Your Behavior. It is easy to fall into the trap of waiting for the other person to change. If there is a problem in a relationship, your feelings are creating discomfort. Whether another person’s actions are reprehensible or annoying is irrelevant. You only have the power to change yourself. Determine which of your emotional reactions are creating discomfort and begin to change them. There are thousands of techniques available to appropriately deal with emotions. Find which tools resonate with you and use them.

Step 2: Let Go of the Desire to Control the Other Person. Rarely do other people perform the way you want them to. It’s as if you are the director shouting instructions to a group of actors who don’t speak your language! Every human being, regardless of their relationship to you, is autonomous. Just as you create your own perceptions and make your own decisions, so does everyone else in your life. Your ability to control other people’s behavior is an illusion. If someone is giving you the authority to dictate to them, even this is as the result of their decision. By letting go of the idea that you are in charge of the happiness of another person, you allow the opportunity for a real relationship. Don’t confuse compliance with connection.

Step 3: Clearly Define the Relationship. When you have an idea of what you want from a particular relationship, you are able to create appropriate boundaries. Like anything else, a relationship is a living entity that needs to be cultivated and nurtured in order to flourish. With any relationship, answer some basic questions: why am I involved? what do I hope to gain from this? and what do I bring to the table?

Take the time to evaluate the significant relationships in your life. Determine which ones need some maintenance. Apply these three simple steps and see the immediate changes that take place. Finally, share these simple steps with others to reinforce the positive changes within you.

Three Options to Have the Best Holiday of Your Life!

Dec 1st, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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It usually begins around the end of September. School has started, the beach trip is over and the air has started to chill ever so slightly. You try to avoid the subject all together, but inevitably thoughts and conversations begin to turn toward… plans for the holidays.

Yes, some may very well have visions of sugar plums dancing through their heads, but your only visions are of potential escape routes out of Aunt Edna’s holiday house of horrors. All across the country, and possibly the world, people just like you are desperately seeking asylum from the antiquated traditions of days gone by. But fear not my weary reveler! Here are 3 options to help you:

Option # 1: Don’t Go! Yes, this option could lead to potential exile from the family, but if your situation is desperate enough, would this really be such a bad thing? Would one less conversation (or argument) you loathe, fruit cake you won’t eat and pointless gifts you can only hope to return be something you miss? It is okay to stand confident in the fact you have better things to do with your time and have other people in your life you want to spend your time with.  So plan something else to do that day and report, “I will be unable to make it this year due to another event,” and enjoy every moment of your positive choices!

Option # 2: Be Entertained! Let’s face it, the family circus can be far more entertaining than whatever collection of musically-challenged pop culture icons the networks choose to prop up with “holiday specials.” Does it really get any better than show and tell with the kid fresh from rehab or the story of the second cousin twice removed, who not only survived his fourth heart attack, but was miraculously saved by the aortic valve salvaged from a pig’s heart?  Go ahead, show up and enjoy the drama, while you stay grateful that you only see them once a year.

Option # 3: Start a New Tradition! Regardless of your family’s traditions, you are at a place in life where you can steer your own proverbial ship. There is no script that can’t be re-written. Commit to yourself and your closest loved ones to plan a holiday in which you can all relax, have fun, and be grateful. If the family traditions you have been practicing in the past don’t fit this definition, powerfully choose not to do it this year.

The holidays represent a fantastic opportunity to celebrate your deepest relationships. Duty and obligation are commendable attributes, but not at the expense of your sanity and happiness. With a little confidence, planning and creativity, you really can make this your most memorable holiday season ever.

Gratitude Post #6

Nov 25th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Alas, we have reached the final week of gratitude posts. I hope you have enjoyed this tradition as much as I have. I also hope this has helped you to see your life with a little better perspective. Let’s all commit to stay more aware of the good in our lives and help to share that with others. Week 6, here goes:

  1. I am grateful to be physically, spiritually, and mentally healthy and fit
  2. I am grateful to have a beautiful family to share my life with
  3. I am grateful to have crossed paths with so many wonderful people
  4. I am grateful for all of the vocational opportunities I have
  5. I am grateful for the perspective I have gained from some trying experiences in my life

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and Holiday season. Take the time to share joy and happiness with anyone you come across. This is one way we can all make a difference.

Transformational Relationships

Nov 24th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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“Nature often holds up a mirror so we can see more clearly the ongoing processes of growth, renewal, and transformation in our lives.”

The transformation of your life is constant. There may be times when this is more dramatically evident, but the process is ongoing. As a self-aware creature you are given multitudes of opportunity to recognize this fact. There is no greater reflection of your sustained metamorphosis than your relationships.

The connections you build and maintain have lasting and permanent effects. More than you remember the events of your life, you remember who was there. You recall how these people made you feel. You reminisce about situations that involved those who have had influence over you. Nothing stands out more than who you have loved and with whom you have celebrated. These memories, and the awareness of these connections, have the power to change the course of your day. For this you are undoubtedly grateful.

Someone is grateful for you, too. You are the central figure in someone’s warm recollections. The role you have played in a person’s decision to alter the course of his or her life has been vital. Although to grasp this is sometimes difficult, it is important.

  • Smile more, it is infectious.
  • Joke more, you are funnier than you think.
  • Share more, your experience is valuable.
  • Hug more, physical contact solidifies connections.

You can either be an active participant in your relationships or a passive by-stander. The only difference is in the small actions you take to make someone else feel just a little bit better or make their life a tad easier. The most powerful way to thank those who have helped you is to be of service to others.

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