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Are Relationships 50/50? How To Build Connections For Happiness

Sep 1st, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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The belief that relationships are 50/50 is based on the premise that a positive and productive relationship is formed where two people meet at a half-way point.This belief can be dangerous because responsibility for one’s happiness is placed on another person.

Another problem in a 50/50 dynamic is the possibility of someone “keeping score.” When this is the case one party may withhold affection or build a resentment due to feeling like the relationship is out of balance. There can be an unwritten rule that “you owe me one.” In order for a relationship to feel whole each party needs to be aware of his role.  An attitude of service is diminished when someone feels that the favor must be returned.

If people are dependent upon others to “complete” them, it can be difficult to feel emotionally balanced without people performing for their satisfaction.Although it can be painful when a positive deed is not reciprocated the spirit of helpfulness shouldn’t be based solely on the philosophy of quid pro quo.

Although some relationships begin as a result of one person’s needs and another person’s ability to meet those needs, it still requires 100 percent participation in order for the relationship to become positive. Once a person finds someone who can help, he begins to open himself up and communicate what his needs are. The person who is able to meet these needs then empowers the other to make any necessary changes in life to move forward and deal with that problem.

This is not a 50/50 proposition. It is as a result of each person giving 100 percent. Both involved parties begin therelationship with some specific individual goals. Each individual finds a level of compatibility with the person to whom they are attracted. The relationship is able to begin in a healthy way because of this understanding. Do you believe relationships are 50/50?

Three Techniques To Improve Listening Skills: Listen to Connect

Feb 23rd, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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There is a time and a place to share your opinions. You have developed your perspectives from the many experiences you have gathered throughout your life. The lessons you have learned allow you to be of service to others who may benefit from your knowledge. In order to impart this information effectively, you must first be able to listen.

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”

~ Ralph Nichols

I am willing to bet you have never gotten into trouble for listening too much! In fact, your ability to be consciously attentive is what enables you to connect with those you love on a much deeper level. When you take the time to truly listen to whoever is speaking to you, the necessary response (if any) becomes clearer. Clarity is created for both of you when you are present for someone who needs to talk.

Connections are more easily made by effective listening

Techniques to improve listening:

  • Make eye contact, or if you are on the phone, turn off the TV, computer and take time out during your conversation to give your full attention.
  • Don’t try to “read between the lines.” If you aren’t sure about something, ask for clarity. Curiosity can create clarity for both of you.
  • Let go of any judgment you may have about the conversation. See it as an opportunity to connect with another person, instead of a debate.

Listening is a skill to practice. It can be difficult at first, so go easy on yourself. Just keep practicing because if close connections are a priority for you, it is definitely something worth doing well.

Photo by: bisgovuk via: Flickr

Transformational Relationships

Nov 24th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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“Nature often holds up a mirror so we can see more clearly the ongoing processes of growth, renewal, and transformation in our lives.”

The transformation of your life is constant. There may be times when this is more dramatically evident, but the process is ongoing. As a self-aware creature you are given multitudes of opportunity to recognize this fact. There is no greater reflection of your sustained metamorphosis than your relationships.

The connections you build and maintain have lasting and permanent effects. More than you remember the events of your life, you remember who was there. You recall how these people made you feel. You reminisce about situations that involved those who have had influence over you. Nothing stands out more than who you have loved and with whom you have celebrated. These memories, and the awareness of these connections, have the power to change the course of your day. For this you are undoubtedly grateful.

Someone is grateful for you, too. You are the central figure in someone’s warm recollections. The role you have played in a person’s decision to alter the course of his or her life has been vital. Although to grasp this is sometimes difficult, it is important.

  • Smile more, it is infectious.
  • Joke more, you are funnier than you think.
  • Share more, your experience is valuable.
  • Hug more, physical contact solidifies connections.

You can either be an active participant in your relationships or a passive by-stander. The only difference is in the small actions you take to make someone else feel just a little bit better or make their life a tad easier. The most powerful way to thank those who have helped you is to be of service to others.

Connections are Reflections

Aug 4th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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I realize today that my security is internal. It comes as a result of living a life that is based on success and happiness as I define it. My definitions of success and happiness are centered around love, peace of mind, and a strong sense of connection to others. My relationships both reflect and reinforce that fact.

The more we are able to recognize our patterns of fear and negativity,
the more we can create positive and loving relationships in our lives.3033176540_da53b54fc9

Fear and negativity are fed by false and negative beliefs about the motives of other people. As a result of these limiting and fearful beliefs, many people use flawed definitions of relationships, such as “Relationships are hard work” and “Relationships are 50/50,” to justify isolation and loneliness. If we see other people as enemies who are trying to take advantage of us, then it will be very difficult to feel a true sense of connection and closeness. When we are able to truly take responsibility for our decisions and actions, we can form definitions of relationships that are rooted in love and enhancement.
Relationships can certainly be complicated. When people come together at any level, there are belief systems, preferences, and motives to be acknowledged. This process does not have to be painful. Although it can be scary, and sometimes frustrating, building positive healthy relationships is one of the key factors in a joyous life experience. The biggest challenge is deciding whether you have the willingness to take responsibility for your behavior.

•    How we live and perceive life is a choice.
•    A close relationship consists of each individual’s 100% commitment to its success.
•    Flexibility is essential in building strong relationships.
•    The only actions I can truly control are my own.
•    Building relationships can be complicated. In order to build strong relationships I must take responsibility for my own actions.

Here are some simple steps to assist you in this area:

  • Answer this question, “Am I cynical about other people’s motives in wanting to get to know me?”  Write down the ways you notice your reaction to meeting someone new.
  • Name five rigid beliefs you have that stop you from forming relationships with people. (Example: I would never talk to him because he is ________)
  • Write down a few examples of how you expect other people to meet you half-way. Are these realistic expectations?
  • If people don’t live up to these expectations, do you sabotage the relationship?

You can disengage from negativity at whatever point you choose. Your relationships will reflect how you define happiness. Don’t expect other people to spend their time and energy pleasing you. Let go of your expectations and live free!