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Do Your Children Communicate Clearly? How To Help Positive Communication

May 19th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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What is one of the most important skills human beings develop? It is the ability to communicate. People  first learn to communicate at home. When a parent’s priorities are centered on building a loving relationship with his child, he works to set up an environment conducive to everyone feeling safe to express themselves openly and honestly.

Often the adults in a household have the freedom to scream, holler, rant, and rave; but when their child so much as raises her voice, she is punished.


Consider the mixed message sent to the child. An adult has the right to express his or her emotions in any way seen fit; but a child is worth less than an adult, therefore, she must learn to behave herself and be quiet.

The parent rationalizes this with the idea he is teaching his child respect or discipline. The parent is probably living out of his own negative family scripting.

He is teaching his child a very dangerous coping mechanism, how to misplace her emotions. The child is upset or angry, but is told she cannot express her feelings. No matter what the child was upset about initially, her anger will be directed at her parents. This misplaced anger will be manifested in some way, shape, or form. No human being is able to bottle up feelings and maintain any semblance of mental or emotional well-being. These emotions come out at some point.

• A key to ending negative scripting patterns within a family is to create a safe and loving environment.

• When the focus of parenting is on the relationship it is easier to avoid unrealistic expectations.

  • A child’s feelings are as real and powerful as an adult’s; they should not be discounted.

Three Tips To Encourage Positive Communication With Children

  1. Remember children’s feelings are as powerful as adults but kids lack the same coping skills
  2. Children who are free to express emotions at home are less likely to act out away from home, provide them with a safe place to vent their feelings
  3. Support children, don’t try to change the way they feel

Emotions aren’t right or wrong. When children have the freedom to talk about their feelings they will, most likely, talk. Adults should remain aware to not judge a child’s emotions, the child will process the feelings if given the chance.

Photo Credit: Kris Hoet via: Flickr

What Other Parents And Parenting Experts Can’t Tell You About Your Child

May 12th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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An easy trap for parents to fall into is the unrealistic expectation of perfection. Parents are conditioned to believe they should be equipped to handle any problem their children might have. Parents become convinced that there shouldn’t be a question they are unable to answer. Many read the testimonials of other parents, or of parenting experts, and immediately feel inadequate if their children aren’t living up to what are considered normal developmental standards.

In reality, parenting is subjective. Despite numerous sources from which ways of thinking or philosophies are gleaned, how an individual chooses to parent is primarily dictated by the personalities of the children being parented.

Rather than trying to fit perfectly within a particular parenting philosophy,one could make an effort to learn from as many resources as possible. That doesn’t mean change on a whim; it means to be in a position to respond to children’s ever-changing needs.

Paying too much attention to “normal” developmental stages puts an unnecessary amount of pressure on the parent and the child. It is important to keep in mind that children want to be close to their parents. They have a sincere desire to please their care-givers.

Sometimes this desire to please becomes a struggle for independence because children want to prove they are able to take care of themselves. If a parent is able to keep this in mind there will be less of a need to control the child’s behavior to fit a chosen parenting philosophy.

Far too often what gets lost in the minutiae of parenting is the relationship between the parent and the child. There are many ways to gauge whether or not this is happening. Some questions include:

• Does a lot of energy get spent trying to make sure the child fits the “normal” developmental standards?

• Is there an attempt to strictly adhere to any one parenting philosophy?

• Are expectations based on the personality of the child or on what others say should be expected of the child?

The parent-child relationship can feel very complicated at times. One way to facilitate a harmonious and productive relationship is for the parent to deal with his own emotions first. When able to do this, the urge to control the behavior of someone else is greatly reduced. This is easier said than done in a lot of cases, but it is certainly an ideal worth shooting for.
Photo: © Copyright Adrian Bailey and
licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence.