belief systems

Are Your Fears Running Your Life? How To Respond Instead Of React

People learn to either respond to or react to fears. When someone reacts to his fears, he generally expects something to go dreadfully wrong, and as a result may lash out at the people around him. The most common reaction to fear is anger. Because this reaction is typical, it is often accepted as being o.k. Anger isn’t inherently bad, but it is important to see it for what it is. Anger is a reaction to fear or hurt.

If someone only focuses on anger, rather than dealing with what is causing an angry reaction, a negative pattern is left unresolved. Only looking at symptoms doesn’t create real and lasting change.

In a routine physical, one of the first things the doctor does is the reflex test. The doctor takes the rubber mallet and gently raps the knee. The leg instinctively kicks out as a reaction to this strike. If the doctor is standing in front he may take a direct kick as a result of this reaction. How the reflexes respond gives the doctor some insight into a person’s overall condition. If something is wrong, the doctor will take the opportunity to see if there is a more serious problem.

When people hold onto a high level of fear, most of their perceptions are illogical; and they find it difficult to find people they can trust. In fact, they find people to be generally untrustworthy; therefore, they continue to attract people into their lives that reinforce this belief. They are on the whole unhappy and feel lonely. In order to be removed from this cycle of reaction:

  • a person must recognize that living in a constant state of fearful neurosis perpetuates loneliness
  • it is vital to realize anger hinders the ability to connect with anything positive. This includes people, places, and joyful experiences
  • there must be a desire to create a more positive outlook

It is possible to develop positive techniques to deal with anger. It begins with a sincere desire to change. When someone decides to make this transition the first steps toward a solution have already been made.

Photo Credit:Svadilfari via: Flickr

Your Responsibility in Relationships

Fear and negativity are fed by false and negative beliefs about the motives of other people. As a result of these limiting and fearful beliefs, many people use flawed definitions of relationships, such as “Relationships are hard work” and “Relationships are 50/50,” to justify isolation and loneliness. If we see other people as enemies who are trying to take advantage of us, then it will be very difficult to feel a true sense of connection and closeness. When we are able to truly take responsibility for our decisions and actions, we can form definitions of relationships that are rooted in love and enhancement.

Relationships can certainly be complicated. When people come together at any level, there are belief systems, preferences, and motives to be acknowledged. However, the process of building and maintaining a relationship  does not have to be painful. Although it can be scary, and sometimes frustrating, building positive healthy relationships is one of the key factors in a joyous life experience. The biggest challenge is deciding whether you have the willingness to take responsibility for your behavior.

  • How you live and perceive life is a choice.
  • A close relationship consists of each individual’s 100%commitment to its success.
  • Flexibility is essential in building strong relationships.

Relax with the awareness that you are seeking ways to improve your ability to live a joyful life. The condition of your relationships will allow happiness to be your focal point. Even when challenges arise you will be supported and loved. As your perspective improves, fear and negativity fall away. The limiting beliefs you have held onto no longer serve the purpose they once did. The responsibility you take for the conditions in your life will free you from the need to obsessive with your fear. As a result, your life will blossom.

Start the Year Out Right!

Yep, now is the time. Tons of resolutions will be made (and broken). Commitments galore! Many human beings seem to have an insatiable appetite for self-flagellation. Don’t be that guy (or girl). Here is a simple way to make some commitments and stick to them. Follow these steps and succeed! You will feel good about yourself and none of your relationships will suffer. Doesn’t that sound pretty cool?

It’s the beginning of a new year!

What does it mean to you?  Many of us think about changes we would like to make, commitments we want to keep, and positive habits we want to form.

Unfortunately, many of us will stop any real progress we make in these endeavors through self-sabotage.

Here are some simple steps you can take to ensure successful goals in the upcoming year:

  • Find an internal motivation. Even if the initial push to change is a result of the counsel of someone else, find an internal and self-loving reason to make this change… and write it down.
  • Set tangible and measurable goals.
  • Share your goals with someone who will support you, such as a good friend, a coach or a mentor.
  • Keep a written account of the steps you are taking to reach these goals.  No step is too small to track.  Remember to celebrate your progress.

You may have heard this advice before in some form.  There is a reason…

It works!

There is a ton of information and support available specifically designed to help you make the positive and permanent changes in your life.  Create a strong foundation by remembering why you are seeking changes.

A better life is what you deserve.

Me, Scared?

The following post is taken from my upcoming book: Connected: The Art of Building Relationships. Connected is the updated edition of Relationships for the Intimately Challenged.

A grandiose ego is a common defense mechanism used to mask fear. When someone is insecure and has a fundamental fear around people, an easy way to keep others at arm’s length is to give the illu­sion of confidence through ego. For example, someone who is talented may not feel grateful for his ability or feel good about himself just because he is able to perform certain tasks well. He only responds to the adulation of others; and when he doesn’t receive this needed praise, he be­comes louder and angrier in order to gain at­tention.

How many prima donna professional athletes and entertainers fit this description? The sad reality is that these individuals are never able to fully appreciate or celebrate their talents in a meaningful way because they never allow themselves to completely share their gifts with others. They exist with a constant pressure to per­form. Therefore, everything they do is moti­vated by fear. Fear that if they somehow lose their ability, people will no longer love them. Fear that people are only there because of something (usually money) they can pro­vide.

This phenomenon is not limited to ath­letes and entertainers. We see these charac­teristics in people in all walks of life. Show me a tyrannical father at home, and I will show you a scared insecure man who only feels whole when he controls others. Employers who micro-manage also suffer from the same inse­curity and fear of people. It is expressed by forcing others to believe they are inferior and cannot adequately do their job without the constant supervision of the boss. Finally, parents who force their children to perform for them or other adults live in a per­petual state of fear. These children are per­ceived as extensions of the parents and must earn the parents’ praise.

Another way we manifest fear is through guilt. We look at past actions (be­cause of either embarrassment or retribution from others) and attempt to protect ourselves. Even though the intention is to keep himself safe, the person who holds on to guilt only accom­plishes isolation. Although this person may convince himself that people stay around him be­cause he is loved, deep inside he believes the only reason people are still around is because of a flawed sense of loyalty or pity.

The guilty person is extremely ma­nipulative. She is constantly trying to be helpful, but the people being “helped” only become resentful. The guilty person convinces herself she is “needed” so she will never be alone. Unfortunately, she may never feel a true sense of connection to others.

Ultimately, any of these manifestations of fear, anger, superiority, grandiosity, and guilt lead to the core belief: a fear of being alone. When people try to side step these issues, they stop themselves from deal­ing with what is ultimately the problem. We as human beings are social creatures. So much of what we do is motivated by a need to feel a sense of community and connection.

We all want to be loved and understood.

Many of us have spent much of our lives being slaves to our scripting and fears and therefore don’t know where to begin to feel fulfilled emotionally. When we are able to recognize the ways that we are “intimately challenged” we start down the path of finding some solu­tions. Those that stay in denial of their fears remain stuck in isolation.

As we are able to clearly see the difference between our definitions of success, happiness, intimacy, and relationships as opposed to those definitions that are simply conditioned reactions, we are able to take more responsibility for our lives. As we take more responsibility for our lives, our relationships become closer.

Your Parents Were Right About Assuming

“To assume is to make an ass out of you and me” is a quote you probably heard at some point in your childhood. It may have been annoying at the time, maybe you rolled your eyes at the bothersome adult who spewed this statement, but think about how much assumption affects your life today. Conjecture of any kind changes the way you respond to people and circumstances outside of your control. If you are insecure or unsure about where you stand, it is easy to fall back on assumption or judgment in order to feel protected or safe.

Every issue, belief, attitude or assumption is precisely the issue that stands between you and your relationship to another human being; and between you and yourself.

As human beings we all have preferences. We have definitions of moral standards, acceptable behaviors, and ideas about how others should behave. We form these ideas based on the combination of the opinions of those we look to for guidance and our own life experiences. Once a conception is internalized, it is easy to become rigid. At this point we begin to form assumptions based on certain traits. The danger is being so rigid in these assumptions that there is no possibility of connecting with people who fall into certain categories.

If it is your priority to connect with as many people as possible, it is critical to look at your assumptions. It’s not that you will let go of presumptions completely, the challenge is to recognize and manage them. Your initial judgment of someone does not have to dictate whether you pursue a relationship. Sometimes you’re wrong. Some suggestions to manage assumptions effectively include:

  • Be aware of harsh judgments you have
  • Ask yourself if this an opinion you have taken on from the people you are around
  • Think about what people may assume about you
  • When you assume something about another person, consider what you may be afraid of
  • Make it a priority to practice patience with others, everyone has a story

Cynical people will always find evidence to reinforce their negative perceptions. If you are pessimistic or disillusioned, you will operate under assumptions all of the time. You don’t have to live that way. If you feel lonely, afraid, or paranoid, letting go of assumptions is a good place to start the journey of re-connection.

Metallica and U2: Lessons in Connection

This week I had the pleasure of seeing two iconic acts, Metallica and U2. These two bands have had unquestionable influence on the direction of rock music for the better part of three decades. Although their styles are very different, there are a number of similarities between the two. I will illustrate some of those analogous characteristics and how they can be applied to your life and relationships.

  1. An unwavering love. Metallica and U2 are clearly passionate about what they do. Even after such long and illustrious careers, they communicate the essence of their love through their performance. True passion cannot be feigned. In a relationship, the crux of your emotion will come through. If you aren’t who you say you are, the relationship will not succeed.
  2. A commitment to excellence. Neither band has ever rested on their laurels. Both have worked tirelessly to improve their craft. Each band has gone through questionable periods in which it seemed they had deviated from what made them successful, but they both came out the other side stronger. In your life, the principle of perseverance is critical. “That which doesn’t kill you will make you stronger” is a quote that rings true. As long as you commit to continued growth and take advantage of the lessons learned from adversity, you will succeed. As a result of this success, your relationships will grow exponentially.
  3. Uninhibited enthusiasm. Metallica and U2 create tremendous energy in their performances. The members of these bands are well into their 40’s, yet it is obvious how much fun they have. This enthusiasm allows them to connect with their audiences. The less seriously you take yourself, the easier it is to convey your zeal. Whether your purpose is to entertain, serve, teach, or guide, you will be more effective if you let go of unnecessary fear and stress. Enjoy yourself. Love what you get to do. You will be a magnet which others find irresistible.
  4. An attitude of gratitude. Throughout the night, Bono repeated this statement: “Thank you for giving us a great life.” More importantly, he meant it. Metallica has always stood for repaying the loyalty of its fans. I have been a fan since 1983 and have always known that Metallica means it when they say: “We wouldn’t be here without you.” Do you express gratitude to those who help you, or to those you serve? Do you feel a sense of purpose in the life you live? Do you know that your life is an expression of a higher purpose that can make a difference in other’s lives? If you are grateful down to your toes, you will create a movement. Movements change people. You may think it is silly to use two rock bands to illustrate this point, but consider how many people have been affected by these band’s music.

All of these points allow you to connect more deeply with people. Connecting isn’t as complicated as you may make it. Love who you are. Always look for ways to improve.In anything you do, have fun. Finally, live with an attitude of gratitude. Accomplish these things and prosperity is inevitable. Rock on!

Balance,Beliefs,and Relationships

Relationships can be very complicated, and these complications are increased when your life is out of balance.

Balance is achieved through being aware of your belief systems and noticing how they affect your physical, emotional and spiritual states. Belief systems include everything from perceptions of spirituality to the value of money. When you have a strong belief about something, you form your opinions, make decisions and form relationships based on these beliefs.

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For example, if I believe in order to have success in life I must achieve a certain level of financial income, I will make it my mission to reach that financial goal. I will believe my happiness depends upon that goal. People who are severely religious base their entire lives on the dogma of their chosen religion. Anything that deviates from that belief system is unacceptable and is subsequently rejected.

Our external life is a reflection of our internal belief systems, and the same holds true for our relationships: they reflect our internal belief systems and these beliefs form our reality.

It is very important to know what you believe and why you believe it. Throughout my life, my belief systems have changed. For example, I grew up in a specific religion; however, as I got older, this particular religion stopped meeting my spiritual needs. It’s not because the religion is flawed or because everyone who participates in it is wrong; it simply stopped providing me with what I was seeking. Rather than blame this religion and do everything in my power to debunk it, I chose to look in a different direction to find spiritual fulfillment.
It doesn’t make sense to automatically try to destroy something because we don’t agree with its philosophy or because we have chosen to find something else. We try to fight it out of fear, and fear creates a very limited scope of the world. People who are negative about what they don’t believe never seem to find pleasure or joy in anything. Having a solid idea of what you believe and why you believe it, without the fight, will enable you to pursue ideas with joy to further your growth. Focusing on what you disagree with will only stop you from having an open mind and being able to relate to others.

Here are a few important points to keep in mind:

•    Your belief systems are reinforced by your actions. The combination of action and belief forms your reality.
•    Once you are aware of your limiting belief systems, you have the power to let them go!
•    Your relationships will become more intimate as you form a clearer definition of success and happiness.
•    Your personal mission statement is formed by your definitions of success and happiness.

Pay attention to what you believe and how you reinforce these beliefs. Your actions will provide you with the guidance you need to determine what is truly important to you. With this knowledge you are empowered to enhance all of your relationships.

Inspiration

Beautiful sky

Inspiration comes in many forms. It may come from a beautiful sunset, a certain smell, or a piece of music. It is difficult to predict when or how a revelation will arrive, but you know it will.

Most ingenuity is created by partnership. Great ideas are rarely created in a vacuum. Are you taking advantage of the genius you are surrounded by? Do you realize the people in your life possess all of the information you will ever need to be an absolute success?

Zen gardenRemember that you have created relationships with people who support your success. They want you to achieve your dreams. If they don’t know exactly how to advise you, they will point you in the direction to go so you can find the information you need. Does this sound like your relationships? If not, change who you surround yourself with.

Keep it very simple.

  • Determine whether you are honest about the direction that you want your life to go in. If you feel resistance it is probably due to you withholding information about what you are seeking.
  • Listen to your muse and share what you learn in detail with people you trust
  • Tap into the love that surrounds you. Your relationships provide the strength you need to continue to move forward.

Inspiration is energy. It is not accidental when it comes to you. Learn to trust and focus it. You will enjoy life much more!

Connections are Reflections

I realize today that my security is internal. It comes as a result of living a life that is based on success and happiness as I define it. My definitions of success and happiness are centered around love, peace of mind, and a strong sense of connection to others. My relationships both reflect and reinforce that fact.

The more we are able to recognize our patterns of fear and negativity,
the more we can create positive and loving relationships in our lives.
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Fear and negativity are fed by false and negative beliefs about the motives of other people. As a result of these limiting and fearful beliefs, many people use flawed definitions of relationships, such as “Relationships are hard work” and “Relationships are 50/50,” to justify isolation and loneliness. If we see other people as enemies who are trying to take advantage of us, then it will be very difficult to feel a true sense of connection and closeness. When we are able to truly take responsibility for our decisions and actions, we can form definitions of relationships that are rooted in love and enhancement.
Relationships can certainly be complicated. When people come together at any level, there are belief systems, preferences, and motives to be acknowledged. This process does not have to be painful. Although it can be scary, and sometimes frustrating, building positive healthy relationships is one of the key factors in a joyous life experience. The biggest challenge is deciding whether you have the willingness to take responsibility for your behavior.

•    How we live and perceive life is a choice.
•    A close relationship consists of each individual’s 100% commitment to its success.
•    Flexibility is essential in building strong relationships.

•    The only actions I can truly control are my own.
•    Building relationships can be complicated. In order to bui
ld strong relationships I must take responsibility for my own actions.

Here are some simple steps to assist you in this area:

  • Answer this question, “Am I cynical about other people’s motives in wanting to get to know me?”  Write down the ways you notice your reaction to meeting someone new.
  • Name five rigid beliefs you have that stop you from forming relationships with people. (Example: I would never talk to him because he is ________)
  • Write down a few examples of how you expect other people to meet you half-way. Are these realistic expectations?
  • If people don’t live up to these expectations, do you sabotage the relationship?

You can disengage from negativity at whatever point you choose. Your relationships will reflect how you define happiness. Don’t expect other people to spend their time and energy pleasing you. Let go of your expectations and live free!

Rewrite Your Scripts

Dealing with the past gives us some answers to the question of “why”. To create change, we must recognize the pattern and take action.

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As a child, our interactions with our families teach us how to relate to other people and establish patterns that appear later in life. If Dad always complains about Mom and launches into lengthy diatribes about the “craziness of women,” this will have an effect on how we relate to women. If Mom waxes poetic about the sad state of chauvinistic cavemen in her life, this will influence our relationships with men. Interests of parents, brothers and sisters all sway our perceptions. However, we are not slaves to these perceptions, and we must learn how to identify, and subsequently change, our negative scripts.

There are several ways to identify scripts:

Preferences or tastes
Often, the preferences we have are developed as a result of who we spend a significant amount of time with. Children will often take on the likes and dislikes of their parents or siblings. When we explore why we like or dislike certain people, places, or things, we often find our families feel the same way.
Forms of self-sabotage
Many forms of self-sabotage or self-destructive behavior are described as “hereditary.” A more accurate description would be scripting. I’ll use alcoholism, a common scripting pattern, as an example. Although there is an age-old debate about whether or not there is a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, I am going to focus on the behavioral aspect. When a child is raised in a home where alcohol abuse is prevalent, there is a strong likelihood he will react to his environment by abusing alcohol himself. Growing up in an alcoholic environment doesn’t guarantee the child will abuse alcohol, but it certainly increases the odds. When this person discovers he is abusing alcohol as a reaction to a scary or negative environment, he has begun the process of script identification. This reaction is a comfortable, familiar behavior, but comfortable and familiar do not necessarily mean positive.

Relationship choices
Most people are familiar with the saying, “We marry our mothers (or fathers).” What this means is we seek a partner who exhibits certain character traits with which we are comfortable. Remember, comfortable doesn’t necessarily mean positive. Many people find themselves involved in relationships with people who provide a sense of security, even when the relationship is very destructive. The flip-side to this example is seeking character traits in a partner that are familiar, secure, and very positive.

Career choices
Some tasks seem to come naturally to certain people. This often has a lot to do with scripting. When we are exposed to something regularly, we will understand it much better. This includes acquiring skills that seem extremely difficult to develop. Being exposed to something isn’t a guarantee we will prefer it, but it certainly predisposes someone to develop this preference.

In scripting, our actions stem from an emotional reaction. When there is a negative scripting pattern in our lives, we have emotions connected to it. For example, if someone grew up in a home where there was a lot of yelling, the same person may react emotionally to loud voices or shouting. The emotional reaction may never change, but the response certainly can. Changing our responses is how we can make powerful changes in our lives.
People become victims to their scripting when they allow their feelings to control what they do. Emotional reactions are often irrational and create many problems in relationships. Once an emotional reaction takes place, the people we are interacting with will generally react emotionally as well. As a result of an emotional exchange, we wind up saying things we don’t necessarily mean, and everyone involved walks away with hurt feelings. If we are emotional, it is best to pause and think about our response.

When we are able to separate our emotions from our actions, we take back our personal power.

Once we take back our personal power, we start to form more joyful definitions of success and happiness because these definitions will no longer be based solely on familiarity. When we form joyful definitions of success and happiness, we begin to choose more positive relationships.

Photo credit:lickyoats via Flickr