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December, 2009:

Start the Year Out Right!

Dec 31st, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Yep, now is the time. Tons of resolutions will be made (and broken). Commitments galore! Many human beings seem to have an insatiable appetite for self-flagellation. Don’t be that guy (or girl). Here is a simple way to make some commitments and stick to them. Follow these steps and succeed! You will feel good about yourself and none of your relationships will suffer. Doesn’t that sound pretty cool?

It’s the beginning of a new year!

What does it mean to you?  Many of us think about changes we would like to make, commitments we want to keep, and positive habits we want to form.

Unfortunately, many of us will stop any real progress we make in these endeavors through self-sabotage.

Here are some simple steps you can take to ensure successful goals in the upcoming year:

  • Find an internal motivation. Even if the initial push to change is a result of the counsel of someone else, find an internal and self-loving reason to make this change… and write it down.
  • Set tangible and measurable goals.
  • Share your goals with someone who will support you, such as a good friend, a coach or a mentor.
  • Keep a written account of the steps you are taking to reach these goals.  No step is too small to track.  Remember to celebrate your progress.

You may have heard this advice before in some form.  There is a reason…

It works!

There is a ton of information and support available specifically designed to help you make the positive and permanent changes in your life.  Create a strong foundation by remembering why you are seeking changes.

A better life is what you deserve.

Honesty Provides Clarity

Dec 22nd, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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The truth hurts sometimes. From time to time, we all become aware of a painful or scary fact. For example, hearing a diagnosis for an illness or being told you have been laid off from a job are not pleasurable experiences. However, ignorance is not necessarily bliss.

When you choose conscious awareness, you are empowered to act with greater intention. With the right information and a calm mind, you are able to develop a plan of action to deal with any situation. There is someone who will be able to empathize and provide you with support for anything you go through if you ask for help and are open to receive it.  However, when you choose denial, it can exasperate your problem and you might feel more alone in the world.

If you feel you are facing a challenge here are some thoughts to remember:

  • Always be willing to ask questions, even if you are afraid of the potential response.
  • You can learn anything if you are willing to seek assistance.
  • Most people are happy to help you, if they can.

The fear you experience only gains power when it remains unspoken. As soon as you are willing to share with another person, much of the negative feeling dissipates. In any situation, ask the difficult questions. Afterall, knowledge is power… and extremely liberating!

Photo Credit: //K473RRY, via Flickr

Three Simple Steps To Immediately Improve All Of Your Relationships

Dec 18th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Parents want their kids to change but many of these same kids think their parents are idiots. Managers demand improved performance from their employees while the employees want their bosses to stop micro-managing. Business owners work tirelessly to build trust as some customers take advantage of the philosophy of “always being right.” Relationships can definitely present challenges. Some of these challenges are a bitch. There are times that we will all have to deal with difficult people. Sometimes those who are the most trying are the people we love the most.

One common mistake is assuming you will feel better if the other person changes. While this may provide temporary relief, the fact remains that the next time a similar situation arises you will probably react with the same level of agitation. The reaction is where the problem lies. Another person’s behavior can only affect you as much as you allow it to. However, you always have 100% control over how you react. There are three simple steps you can take to immediately improve all of your relationships. If you follow these steps, your relationship related anxiety will decrease exponentially.

Step 1: Take 100% Responsibility For Your Behavior. It is easy to fall into the trap of waiting for the other person to change. If there is a problem in a relationship, your feelings are creating discomfort. Whether another person’s actions are reprehensible or annoying is irrelevant. You only have the power to change yourself. Determine which of your emotional reactions are creating discomfort and begin to change them. There are thousands of techniques available to appropriately deal with emotions. Find which tools resonate with you and use them.

Step 2: Let Go of the Desire to Control the Other Person. Rarely do other people perform the way you want them to. It’s as if you are the director shouting instructions to a group of actors who don’t speak your language! Every human being, regardless of their relationship to you, is autonomous. Just as you create your own perceptions and make your own decisions, so does everyone else in your life. Your ability to control other people’s behavior is an illusion. If someone is giving you the authority to dictate to them, even this is as the result of their decision. By letting go of the idea that you are in charge of the happiness of another person, you allow the opportunity for a real relationship. Don’t confuse compliance with connection.

Step 3: Clearly Define the Relationship. When you have an idea of what you want from a particular relationship, you are able to create appropriate boundaries. Like anything else, a relationship is a living entity that needs to be cultivated and nurtured in order to flourish. With any relationship, answer some basic questions: why am I involved? what do I hope to gain from this? and what do I bring to the table?

Take the time to evaluate the significant relationships in your life. Determine which ones need some maintenance. Apply these three simple steps and see the immediate changes that take place. Finally, share these simple steps with others to reinforce the positive changes within you.

Learn From TIger-Power Equals Responsibility

Dec 8th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
3 comments

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Certainly there have been plenty of pundits weighing in on the indiscretions of  Tiger Woods. Now, it’s my turn. It seems people are shocked whenever someone in the public eye is found to be less than perfect, particularly when the person in question is viewed as being super-human. Time and time again those who are lifted to the pedestal of greatness come crashing down. Hard.

This year alone Tiger Woods, the Georgia House Speaker Glenn Richardson, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, and former quarterback Steve McNair have faced unimaginable consequences for extra-marital affairs. All of these men have children: Tiger Woods has two children, Glenn Richardson has three children, Mark Sanford has four children, and Steve McNair is survived by four children.

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There will be plenty of people who defend the actions of these men with statements illustrating the “unreasonable” expectations the public places on those in prominent positions. I disagree with this notion. I believe it is an honor to excel at something to the degree that others wish to reach the level of the example you set. I write and speak about relationships. I spend my time coaching and counseling people on the importance of making deep and meaningful connections with others. I believe that there is nothing more sacred than the trust built between people based on shared convictions, definitions of happiness, and love. In my experience there are few things more destructive than the breach of this trust.

3659871328_71d300cb2e_mHuman beings are fallible. “Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone” is a quote that speaks volumes. So is: “power = responsibility.” For anyone hoping to someday be elevated to a position of great authority or influence, remember people rely on you. They don’t necessarily depend on you being perfect but they certainly should expect honesty, humility, and responsibility. Oh, by the way, be honest before you are caught.

Steve McNair was murdered by his mistress. He left behind a wife and four kids. Glenn Richardson was so petrified by  potential backlash that he attempted to take his own life. He is the father of three children. There is no viable excuse for infidelity. It is time for people to realize that in any relationship, particularly in relationships with your family, there are responsibilities to those with whom you are involved. No one is bullet proof.

Maybe Tiger Woods will work out his relationship with his wife. Perhaps Glenn Richardson will seek help. Mark Sanford may find his way. Steve McNair is dead. The reality these men share is that their children are forever affected by their actions. These situations have permanently altered how they as men and as fathers will be viewed. Not by us, the public, but by their families. They are who matter.

2318516430_838ba96cab_mTake this opportunity to express to anyone in your life how much you love them. Let them know that despite your imperfections they can trust you. Convey with clarity and conviction that you will attempt to better yourself when you become aware of your shortcomings.

Three Options to Have the Best Holiday of Your Life!

Dec 1st, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
2 comments

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It usually begins around the end of September. School has started, the beach trip is over and the air has started to chill ever so slightly. You try to avoid the subject all together, but inevitably thoughts and conversations begin to turn toward… plans for the holidays.

Yes, some may very well have visions of sugar plums dancing through their heads, but your only visions are of potential escape routes out of Aunt Edna’s holiday house of horrors. All across the country, and possibly the world, people just like you are desperately seeking asylum from the antiquated traditions of days gone by. But fear not my weary reveler! Here are 3 options to help you:

Option # 1: Don’t Go! Yes, this option could lead to potential exile from the family, but if your situation is desperate enough, would this really be such a bad thing? Would one less conversation (or argument) you loathe, fruit cake you won’t eat and pointless gifts you can only hope to return be something you miss? It is okay to stand confident in the fact you have better things to do with your time and have other people in your life you want to spend your time with.  So plan something else to do that day and report, “I will be unable to make it this year due to another event,” and enjoy every moment of your positive choices!

Option # 2: Be Entertained! Let’s face it, the family circus can be far more entertaining than whatever collection of musically-challenged pop culture icons the networks choose to prop up with “holiday specials.” Does it really get any better than show and tell with the kid fresh from rehab or the story of the second cousin twice removed, who not only survived his fourth heart attack, but was miraculously saved by the aortic valve salvaged from a pig’s heart?  Go ahead, show up and enjoy the drama, while you stay grateful that you only see them once a year.

Option # 3: Start a New Tradition! Regardless of your family’s traditions, you are at a place in life where you can steer your own proverbial ship. There is no script that can’t be re-written. Commit to yourself and your closest loved ones to plan a holiday in which you can all relax, have fun, and be grateful. If the family traditions you have been practicing in the past don’t fit this definition, powerfully choose not to do it this year.

The holidays represent a fantastic opportunity to celebrate your deepest relationships. Duty and obligation are commendable attributes, but not at the expense of your sanity and happiness. With a little confidence, planning and creativity, you really can make this your most memorable holiday season ever.