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Remove The Clutter From Relationships:How To Release Negative Patterns

Oct 20th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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In any relationship, the process of removing clutter starts within. It begins by identifying limiting beliefs and perceptions that no longer serve a useful purpose. These beliefs and perceptions may manifest in the form of scriptsthat have been handed down for generations. It is possible to suddenly realize negative relationship patterns in several areas that have been present for years.

When these patterns become evident, there may be a feeling akin to being cluttered. The thought of a specific person may create an immediate reaction of anxiety.  There may be a situation that needs to be addressed directly, but the prospect of candid communication is terrifying.This can be an indicator of limiting beliefs manifesting in relationships.

Removing the clutter allows you to determine which relationships fall into which category. With a quick assessment you may realize that there are negative patterns of behavior that you’ve wanted to change all along.  You may also discover that there are destructive relationships you’ve wanted to end.  However, you’re not going to know that until you stop for long enough to do an accurate assessment.  Some of these take a simple decision to change, followed by a plan of action. If you were cleaning your garage you would notice items out of place along with things you just want to get rid of. See box; remove box.  Discover C-clamp; place on shelf.The same is true when taking inventory of relationships.  Some may require more effort and extra help, but the willingness to take an honest look gets you started. Relationships are like spring cleaning in that once you have a plan and begin putting in the work, it flows.  Your confidence builds.  Your self-esteem builds.  You see some changes go on in your life.

It is possible to stop tripping over the emotional boxes in your life.  There will be relationships you rediscover andconnections that will be strengthened.  You will be able to finally deal with  toxic relationships that take up unwanted space in your head.  You will be open to more possibilities.  Removing the clutter creates the space needed to welcome what’s new and possible in your life. You’ll be amazed, as you remove the clutter, what opportunities begin to show up.

Are Relationships 50/50? How To Build Connections For Happiness

Sep 1st, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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The belief that relationships are 50/50 is based on the premise that a positive and productive relationship is formed where two people meet at a half-way point.This belief can be dangerous because responsibility for one’s happiness is placed on another person.

Another problem in a 50/50 dynamic is the possibility of someone “keeping score.” When this is the case one party may withhold affection or build a resentment due to feeling like the relationship is out of balance. There can be an unwritten rule that “you owe me one.” In order for a relationship to feel whole each party needs to be aware of his role.  An attitude of service is diminished when someone feels that the favor must be returned.

If people are dependent upon others to “complete” them, it can be difficult to feel emotionally balanced without people performing for their satisfaction.Although it can be painful when a positive deed is not reciprocated the spirit of helpfulness shouldn’t be based solely on the philosophy of quid pro quo.

Although some relationships begin as a result of one person’s needs and another person’s ability to meet those needs, it still requires 100 percent participation in order for the relationship to become positive. Once a person finds someone who can help, he begins to open himself up and communicate what his needs are. The person who is able to meet these needs then empowers the other to make any necessary changes in life to move forward and deal with that problem.

This is not a 50/50 proposition. It is as a result of each person giving 100 percent. Both involved parties begin therelationship with some specific individual goals. Each individual finds a level of compatibility with the person to whom they are attracted. The relationship is able to begin in a healthy way because of this understanding. Do you believe relationships are 50/50?

Are Relationships Hard? How To Remove Negativity From Responsibility

Aug 25th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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A fundamental belief is that relationships are “hard work” and involve “sacrifice and compromise.” While building connections on any level can be a challenge , these negative attitudes are prevalent in today’s society because many people struggle to take responsibility for their own situations. It has become increasingly more common for people to blame someone or something else for their plight in life.

Forming unions is harder when someone is unwilling to accept that his decisions, words, and actions have a ripple effect. All relationships involve two people coming together, therefore flexibility is critical. This doesn’t necessarily mean that there must be “hard work” in order for a relationship to be successful. If a bond is extremely difficult to maintain, it is possible it shouldn’t exist. Before making that determination, however, it is imperative to make an honest self-appraisal.

  • Taking responsibility for actions and words is key.
  • Relationships are always a reflection of a person’s current state of mind.
  • When someone feels conflict with another person, the first responsibility is to look within himself to determine whether he has somehow wronged the other person.
  • If he discovers that his actions have been clean, he can find comfort in the awareness that his behavior or attitude is not at the root of this conflict.

Continuing to attempt to engage another person in conversations about conflicts may perpetuate the problem. At that point it can be helpful to take a step back and allow the other person the freedom to work out whatever issues they may have.Most people want to be liked; so this can be challenging. The other person may not respond positively and the disagreement may not be solved. A few points that may be helpful include:

  • The only actions anyone can truly control are his own.
  • Building relationships can be complicated.
  • In order to build strong relationships one must take responsibility for his own actions.

With this perspective and responsibility the building and maintaining of relationships is more a challenge than a chore. Removing the fear makes the entire experience much more rewarding.

How Successful Relationships Create Life Balance

Aug 11th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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How do you define a successful relationship? What role do you believe your relationships play in your perspective on life? Successful relationships definitely play a major role in achieving healthy life balance. One key is realizing how you view connections with other people.

How Perceptions Are Formed

There are many kinds of relationships we will engage in throughout our lives. There are several factors involved in how we form our perceptions of these relationships. We learned a lot from our families which provided most of us  with a foundation to operate from every day. We learn from our peers. We learn from mentors and others we admire. Most of us hear stories about other people’s lives and find bits and pieces we would like to emulate. Because there are so many influencers in our lives we must pay attention to how we are affected by these sources of input.

There are many facets to anyone’s life and several variables involved in any decisions made. With all of this information the simplest decisions can become convoluted. As a result it is easy to become indecisive and sometimes stuck. Therefore it is crucial to make things as simple as possible in order to gain clarity.

The Role Of Relationships In A Balanced Life

Relationships can be very complicated, and these complications are increased when your life is out of balance. Balance is achieved through being aware of your belief systems and noticing how they affect your physical, emotional and spiritual states. Belief systems include everything from perceptions of spirituality to the value of money. When you have a strong belief about something, you form your opinions, make decisions and form relationships based on these beliefs. As a way to figure out an area of your life which may need attention:

  • On a piece of paper draw three columns, title one physical, the next emotional/mental and the third spiritual.
  • Write down ways you nurture each part of your life.

Following this simple formula will give you an idea of what may be out of balance in your life and which areas need more focus. This will provide you with insight into which relationships in your life need to be nurtured and which may need some clarification of boundaries. We are all affected by people in our lives. By achieving a level of balance we are able to control how deep this influence goes. How do you find balance?

Photo Credit: klimari1 (JUST SHOOT IT! Photography) via Flickr

What Is The Strength Of Relationships? Commitment To Personal Growth

Jul 28th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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What if I told you the strength of your relationships is contingent upon you and your partner’s commitmentto personal growth?  Let’s take a closer look.  Since many partnerships have dissolved as a result of stagnation, the simple act of stretching our knowledge and awareness can create the positive energy between two people to reinforce the choice to stay together. This is true for any kind of significant relationship or partnership, whether the relationship is personal or professional. Any successful partnership involves a degree of intimacy.

“If we’re growing, we’re always going to be out of our comfort zone.”

~ John Maxwell


So many of us believe we find security in the status quo.  However over time, people tend to develop resentment with those they feel are holding them back from the life they really want. Many come to realize the predictability they once cherished is no longer satisfying.  Although it is easy to blame our partners for this lack of growth, it is up to us to live the life we aspire to.  It is useful to look within to determine whether you feel stifled.

Here are a few simple questions to evaluate whether you are being intellectually and emotionally stretched:

  • Pay attention to your level of enthusiasm about the day ahead.  Is it high or low?
  • Do the activities you participate in offer the opportunity to be exposed to people outside of your normal circle?
  • Have you recently learned new information that enhances your life

If you find you are stuck in the same old routine, make the powerful decision to consciously expand your awareness. With this expansion of consciousness comes the opportunity for remarkable progress. Your relationships will be positively impacted by you making the decision to step outside of what is comfortable and challenge yourself to grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

How To Keep Personal Power And End Self-Deception In Relationships

Jun 30th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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No one can make you feel anything. Your personal power can only be given away by you. No one can take it from you.  Every time you utter a statement that claims: he (she, they, or anything else) makes or made you feel a certain way, you have entered the world of self-deception. This is a pattern that can be stopped. In order to create a high level of happiness it is imperative to maintain personal power.

Change Your Mentality

Many are conditioned to play the victim role in relationships.  As a result of this self-defeating mentality, people find themselves living out negative patterns over and over again.  If you find yourself stuck in relationship patterns in which you feel your emotions are being controlled, there are a few things you can do to begin breaking the victim mentality.

  • Make a list of the relationships which bring up negative thoughts or feelings.
  • For each one, write a specific event that occurred within each relationship when you last felt stressed, angry or sad.
  • As you look at each item, determine where you gave your power to the other person.
  • Write down what you believe might have occurred if you stayed calm, confident and in your power.  How might it shift the dynamic within therelationship?
  • Develop a simple plan of action to begin your transformation towards a more positive non-victim role in each relationship on your list.

Your Power Is Yours

If a person has the power to “make” you feel a certain way, it is because you have given your power away. It can seem as if it is impossible to remove yourself from this dynamic. It isn’t. If you want this to change you must decide it is no longer acceptable to be in this emotionally submissive position.  Don’t blame other people for your emotional state. Be responsible for the condition of your relationships and enjoy the positive change towards living authentically… no matter who you are with!

Create Strong Relationships: How To Define The Life You Desire

Jun 9th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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In order to create strong relationships, it is vital to clearly define what kind of life you desire. You can decide to be a lonely, friendless and curmudgeonly old hermit who complains all of the time. If this isn’t the kind of life you want it is possible to change course at any time.

Chances are you want to lead a joyful, exciting, and fun life. You probably long to have relationships with people who can support you when needed and with whom you can share any triumphs you experience. A full life is at least partially defined by the relationships you have. One way to define success and happiness is by being able to fulfill and share your dreams and desires.

An important part of this definition is learning to create enough flexibility to change direction when it will benefit you and the people with whom you are involved. It is important to have principles and convictions to live by. It is equally important  to have the ability to differentiate between contrasting opinions and fundamental disagreements of principle.

When you compromise principles in order to have a relationship, a tremendous amount of energy can be wasted trying to convince the other person your opinions are right. When you form relationships with people you are emotionally compatible with, you can recognize differences in opinion without becoming angry. Your opinions, principles, and definitions of happiness have been formed through your life experiences. When these definitions are solid, there is less of a need to defend them. As a result of not being defensive, you will be much more open to the opinions of others. With this openness, you can attract people into your life with whom you can build strong relationships, even if you don’t agree on everything.You are also able to avoid potentially harmful relationships. You stay in touch with the only life you need to concern yourself with: your own.

Exercise

Make a wish list of the kind of life you want. How do you envision your relationships in five years? What steps could you take today to begin living that life?

What Other Parents And Parenting Experts Can’t Tell You About Your Child

May 12th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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An easy trap for parents to fall into is the unrealistic expectation of perfection. Parents are conditioned to believe they should be equipped to handle any problem their children might have. Parents become convinced that there shouldn’t be a question they are unable to answer. Many read the testimonials of other parents, or of parenting experts, and immediately feel inadequate if their children aren’t living up to what are considered normal developmental standards.

In reality, parenting is subjective. Despite numerous sources from which ways of thinking or philosophies are gleaned, how an individual chooses to parent is primarily dictated by the personalities of the children being parented.

Rather than trying to fit perfectly within a particular parenting philosophy,one could make an effort to learn from as many resources as possible. That doesn’t mean change on a whim; it means to be in a position to respond to children’s ever-changing needs.

Paying too much attention to “normal” developmental stages puts an unnecessary amount of pressure on the parent and the child. It is important to keep in mind that children want to be close to their parents. They have a sincere desire to please their care-givers.

Sometimes this desire to please becomes a struggle for independence because children want to prove they are able to take care of themselves. If a parent is able to keep this in mind there will be less of a need to control the child’s behavior to fit a chosen parenting philosophy.

Far too often what gets lost in the minutiae of parenting is the relationship between the parent and the child. There are many ways to gauge whether or not this is happening. Some questions include:

• Does a lot of energy get spent trying to make sure the child fits the “normal” developmental standards?

• Is there an attempt to strictly adhere to any one parenting philosophy?

• Are expectations based on the personality of the child or on what others say should be expected of the child?

The parent-child relationship can feel very complicated at times. One way to facilitate a harmonious and productive relationship is for the parent to deal with his own emotions first. When able to do this, the urge to control the behavior of someone else is greatly reduced. This is easier said than done in a lot of cases, but it is certainly an ideal worth shooting for.
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Commit to Connection: How to Effectively Build Friendships With Meaning

Apr 28th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Do you want your friendships to have more meaning? Do you have a desire to feel supported in reaching your goals? Then make a commitment to connect more effectively.


All things in life are enriched when we are able to share them. There is a tremendous amount of power in the connection made between two people. This power is increased when we are connected to many more people. In order to make these connections, we must be willing to make ourselves vulnerable. We must have a desire to be intimately involved in people’s lives. We must commit to removing whatever obstacles stand in our way.

Most people we meet will have some level of desire to be joyful and loving individuals.

What separates a person with this desire from someone who actually fulfills this desire is the commitment to change. This commitment creates action. Through taking positive action, our lives will change. Experiencing instant results from taking simple actions is extremely rewarding. There is no greater gratification than the feeling that comes from accomplishing a goal. What makes this feeling even sweeter is being able to share it with people who have a genuine concern for our well-being. The more meaningful friendships we are able to create and maintain, the deeper  joy is able to penetrate all levels of our being. Truly happy people seek opportunities to share the gifts they have been given. To be able to share knowledge and information creates a positive impact on large circles of people.

Any strong and meaningful friendship is built on the foundation of fun, genuine concern, and support. Friendships grow through shared experiences. They also enrich life because of the reinforcement ofconnection and commonality. Happiness isn’t determined by the number of friendships a person has, rather by the depth and quality of those relationships. It is dangerous to judge how connected someone is solely by the number of contacts in their database. Without shared goals, beliefs, or experiences there is no relationship. Forget about numbers, focus on connection.

Photo Credit by: by gerrygoal2008 via Flickr

Ready For A Romantic Relationship You Deserve?

Apr 21st, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Ready for romantic relationship you deserve? It is critical to have open discussions to find a healthy definition of a working relationship.



Romantic relationships can be subjects that are terrifying to talk about. However, it is critical to have open and honest discussions about this subject in order to find a healthy definition of a relationship that works. People often repeat destructive romance patterns due to an unwillingness to examine the limiting beliefs and faulty scripts that dictate romantic attraction and desire.Unfortunately, negative patterns can create a false sense of security. With a strong commitment to improve, it is possible to change these patterns permanently.

Ideally,  partnerships are formed by the combination of physical attraction, emotional compatibility, and spiritual connection.

Romantic relationships involve a tremendous amount of personal responsibility. There is no other type of relationship that requires a higher degree of intimacy. When people enter a romantic relationship without an awareness of the responsibility involved, people get unnecessarily hurt.  If people commit themselves to improving their lives and their relationships, their attitude toward romance will change for the better.

“Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect but always perfect for you.”

~ Author Unknown

The key to any healthy romantic relationship is the willingness to take responsibility for all decisions, actions, and responses.

By answering a couple of simple questions, a degree of clarity can be achieved.

1. What qualities would the ideal relationship possess? (This can include physical, emotional and spiritual qualities)

2. How important is it to be a secure individual before entering a romantic relationship?

3. How does a healthy relationship enhance a person’s life?

Although emotions are at the center of a romantic relationship, they can cloud judgment.  It is critical to have a clear perspective on a healthy romance before being intimately involved with anyone. In the spirit of spring cleaning relationships, take inventory of how an intimate relationship is defined.

Once this definition is established one can remove the clutter of limiting beliefs and attract a perefect relationship defined by success and happiness. This is the kind of a romantic relationship everyone deserves.

Photo Credit:fujisan3 (Mr.mt) via Flickr