July, 2009:

Rewrite Your Scripts

Jul 28th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
4 comments

Dealing with the past gives us some answers to the question of “why”. To create change, we must recognize the pattern and take action.

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As a child, our interactions with our families teach us how to relate to other people and establish patterns that appear later in life. If Dad always complains about Mom and launches into lengthy diatribes about the “craziness of women,” this will have an effect on how we relate to women. If Mom waxes poetic about the sad state of chauvinistic cavemen in her life, this will influence our relationships with men. Interests of parents, brothers and sisters all sway our perceptions. However, we are not slaves to these perceptions, and we must learn how to identify, and subsequently change, our negative scripts.

There are several ways to identify scripts:

Preferences or tastes
Often, the preferences we have are developed as a result of who we spend a significant amount of time with. Children will often take on the likes and dislikes of their parents or siblings. When we explore why we like or dislike certain people, places, or things, we often find our families feel the same way.
Forms of self-sabotage
Many forms of self-sabotage or self-destructive behavior are described as “hereditary.” A more accurate description would be scripting. I’ll use alcoholism, a common scripting pattern, as an example. Although there is an age-old debate about whether or not there is a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, I am going to focus on the behavioral aspect. When a child is raised in a home where alcohol abuse is prevalent, there is a strong likelihood he will react to his environment by abusing alcohol himself. Growing up in an alcoholic environment doesn’t guarantee the child will abuse alcohol, but it certainly increases the odds. When this person discovers he is abusing alcohol as a reaction to a scary or negative environment, he has begun the process of script identification. This reaction is a comfortable, familiar behavior, but comfortable and familiar do not necessarily mean positive.

Relationship choices
Most people are familiar with the saying, “We marry our mothers (or fathers).” What this means is we seek a partner who exhibits certain character traits with which we are comfortable. Remember, comfortable doesn’t necessarily mean positive. Many people find themselves involved in relationships with people who provide a sense of security, even when the relationship is very destructive. The flip-side to this example is seeking character traits in a partner that are familiar, secure, and very positive.

Career choices
Some tasks seem to come naturally to certain people. This often has a lot to do with scripting. When we are exposed to something regularly, we will understand it much better. This includes acquiring skills that seem extremely difficult to develop. Being exposed to something isn’t a guarantee we will prefer it, but it certainly predisposes someone to develop this preference.

In scripting, our actions stem from an emotional reaction. When there is a negative scripting pattern in our lives, we have emotions connected to it. For example, if someone grew up in a home where there was a lot of yelling, the same person may react emotionally to loud voices or shouting. The emotional reaction may never change, but the response certainly can. Changing our responses is how we can make powerful changes in our lives.
People become victims to their scripting when they allow their feelings to control what they do. Emotional reactions are often irrational and create many problems in relationships. Once an emotional reaction takes place, the people we are interacting with will generally react emotionally as well. As a result of an emotional exchange, we wind up saying things we don’t necessarily mean, and everyone involved walks away with hurt feelings. If we are emotional, it is best to pause and think about our response.

When we are able to separate our emotions from our actions, we take back our personal power.

Once we take back our personal power, we start to form more joyful definitions of success and happiness because these definitions will no longer be based solely on familiarity. When we form joyful definitions of success and happiness, we begin to choose more positive relationships.

Photo credit:lickyoats via Flickr

Intimacy and Connection

Jul 21st, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
No comments yet

“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.”
~ Gary Shandling

When most people hear the word intimacy they conjure up images of adults in “adult situations.” Because of the sexual connotation of the word intimacy, it can be difficult to engage someone in a conversation on this topic without becoming at least mildly uncomfortable. So let’s start by clarifying what I’m talking about when I refer to intimacy. I like to define intimacy as:

closeness and familiarity; closeness that comes as a result of having the courage to be completely engaged and connected

But how do we become completely engaged and connected in a relationship? It starts with a better understanding of ourselves.
Many people today have grown up in families with varying degrees of dysfunction. Whether due to alcoholism, drug addiction, neglect, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, or sheer coldness, many of us have been exposed to factors that have left us in a state of self-protection. In spite of these factors, many people are able to let go of their pasts and move forward in their lives by building close and intimate relationships firmly rooted in trust and love.
They are able to do this by realizing that they are not slaves to their family’s behavioral patterns or genetic pre-dispositions. Although these patterns and predispositions clearly have an effect on an individual’s behavior, they are not the only determining factors. They get to a point of finding their own definitions of success and happiness and begin surrounding themselves with people who support them in their decisions. Once you let go of your past, you too, will be able to identify the differences between what is a negative pattern or predisposition and what you want in the here and now.

Here are some simple things you can do to improve the level of intimacy in all your relationships:

  • Clarify your definition of happiness. Don’t borrow someone else’s, find your own
  • Write down the significant relationships in your life and determine whether they support this definition of happiness
  • If you decide a relationship doesn’t support you, deduce what changes you can make to alter the nature of the relationship

Remember that the level of intimacy in your life is predicated on your willingness to be open. A fear of intimacy is often created by circumstances out of your control, but you can seek help to resolve these issues whenever you choose. Intimacy and connection go hand in hand. As you become more open, the joy and happiness you experience will increase exponentially.

Taking Compliments

Jul 14th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
No comments yet

3351160843_890060319b“A compliment is verbal sunshine.” ~Robert Orben

There are few things that make a person feel better than hearing a compliment. A kind word of encouragement or a gracious accolade can change the course of a person’s day. Flattering remarks, when received at a critical time, may impact the direction of someone’s life.

What is often overlooked is how important it is to receive compliments. If you are someone who has been conditioned to prove humility through self-deprecation, being open to the admiration of others may be difficult. You may believe your head will obnoxiously expand with pride. You have undoubtedly practiced the art of “compliment deflection” in order to escape the temptation of undeserved acclaim.

It is vital to remember how vulnerable a person giving a compliment feels. The fear of rejection is common and when you fend off the kind words of an admirer, you risk reinforcing his negative self-perception. If  compliments are difficult for you to receive, the issue is your self esteem. View your avoidance as an indicator of the need to strengthen the way you see yourself.

  • Begin by paying attention to your self talk. What do you tell yourself about you?
  • Be aware of how often you compliment others
  • Pay attention to the first thing you think about someone when you are approached, is it judgmental or kind?

As you become more aware of your inner dialogue, you will begin to see the value of giving and receiving compliments. You will realize that commendations aren’t  exercises in inappropriate ego building, just like self-censure is not a sign of humility. The giving and receiving of compliments are key ingredients to building strong and lasting connections.The vulnerability involved brings people closer. Practice using this wonderful tool and recognize the improvement in all your relationships!

Photo Credit:Will S. via Flickr

On the Topic of Parenting….

Jul 3rd, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
1 comment

An easy trap for parents to fall into is the unrealistic expectation of perfection. We are conditioned to believe we should be equipped to handle any problems our children might have. We convince ourselves there shouldn’t be a question we are unable to answer. We read the testimonials of other parents or of parenting experts and immediately feel inadequate if our children aren’t living up to those written standards.

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In reality, parenting is subjective. Despite numerous sources from which we can glean ways of thinking or philosophies, how we parent is primarily dictated by the personalities of our children and ourselves.
Rather than trying to fit perfectly within a particular parenting philosophy, make an effort to learn from as many resources as possible. I don’t mean change on a whim; I mean put yourself in a position to respond to your children’s ever-changing needs.
Paying too much attention to “normal” developmental stages puts an unnecessary amount of pressure on you and your children. Always keep in mind that your children want to be close to you. They want to please you.
Sometimes this desire to please becomes a struggle for independence because children want to prove they are able to take care of themselves. If I, as a parent, keep this in mind then I will feel less of a need to control my daughter’s behavior to fit my chosen parenting philosophy.
Far too often what gets lost in the minutiae of parenting is the relationship between the parents and the child. There are many ways to gauge whether or not this is happening in your family. Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
•    Do I spend a lot of energy trying to make sure my child fits the “normal” developmental standards?
•    Do I try to strictly adhere to any one parenting philosophy?
•    Am I obsessed with the opinion of other people in regard to my child?
•    Do I try to limit things, such as video games and television?
•    Are my expectations based on the personality of my child or on what others say should be expected of my child?

Focus on the relationship first. The security created by this connection is what motivates people. The parent-child relationship can feel very complicated at times. One way to facilitate a harmonious and productive relationship is to deal with your emotions first. When you are able to do this, the urge to control the behavior of someone else is greatly reduced. I realize this is easier said than done in a lot of cases, but it is certainly an ideal we can all shoot for.

Have a wonderful holiday and enjoy your family!