Parents want their kids to change but many of these same kids think their parents are idiots. Managers demand improved performance from their employees while the employees want their bosses to stop micro-managing. Business owners work tirelessly to build trust as some customers take advantage of the philosophy of “always being right.” Relationships can definitely present challenges. Some of these challenges are a bitch. There are times that we will all have to deal with difficult people. Sometimes those who are the most trying are the people we love the most.
One common mistake is assuming you will feel better if the other person changes. While this may provide temporary relief, the fact remains that the next time a similar situation arises you will probably react with the same level of agitation. The reaction is where the problem lies. Another person’s behavior can only affect you as much as you allow it to. However, you always have 100% control over how you react. There are three simple steps you can take to immediately improve all of your relationships. If you follow these steps, your relationship related anxiety will decrease exponentially.
Step 1: Take 100% Responsibility For Your Behavior. It is easy to fall into the trap of waiting for the other person to change. If there is a problem in a relationship, your feelings are creating discomfort. Whether another person’s actions are reprehensible or annoying is irrelevant. You only have the power to change yourself. Determine which of your emotional reactions are creating discomfort and begin to change them. There are thousands of techniques available to appropriately deal with emotions. Find which tools resonate with you and use them.
Step 2: Let Go of the Desire to Control the Other Person. Rarely do other people perform the way you want them to. It’s as if you are the director shouting instructions to a group of actors who don’t speak your language! Every human being, regardless of their relationship to you, is autonomous. Just as you create your own perceptions and make your own decisions, so does everyone else in your life. Your ability to control other people’s behavior is an illusion. If someone is giving you the authority to dictate to them, even this is as the result of their decision. By letting go of the idea that you are in charge of the happiness of another person, you allow the opportunity for a real relationship. Don’t confuse compliance with connection.
Step 3: Clearly Define the Relationship. When you have an idea of what you want from a particular relationship, you are able to create appropriate boundaries. Like anything else, a relationship is a living entity that needs to be cultivated and nurtured in order to flourish. With any relationship, answer some basic questions: why am I involved? what do I hope to gain from this? and what do I bring to the table?
Take the time to evaluate the significant relationships in your life. Determine which ones need some maintenance. Apply these three simple steps and see the immediate changes that take place. Finally, share these simple steps with others to reinforce the positive changes within you.