Action steps

Are Personal Goals Important To You? Know What You Want Before You Start

Nov 10th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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There are thousands of resources available today for anyone seeking ways to learn how to set personal goals. Many of the philosophies are very helpful and extremely positive. Where people often run into trouble is when they hope the technique eliminates the need for personal responsibility and action.

Is It You Or The Program?

I had a recent conversation with a client that is unfortunately very common. She was explaining to me that a program her family was previously involved with didn’t work because her son didn’t successfully complete it. As the discussion continued, she informed me that she didn’t follow all the recommendations and her son didn’t participate in all required activities. This illustrates a pervasive mentality in today’s culture: The more responsibility an individual has, the less likely it is he will follow through with his obligations.

Simplify the Definitions of Goals

I am a firm believer in an individual’s responsibility for his own happiness. I also think the more simple one’s responsibilities are, the more likely he will reach his goals. Some basic tips to establish clear targets include:

  • Ask for the what, not the how: It is easy to focus on a particular object as a goal. However, the object simply represents a feeling. Make the emotion the focal point in order to maintain flexibility in how to achieve it.
  • Taking a different route will still get you there: There are usually several different routes to any destination. Choose the one that suits you. Your choices may not be the most commonly used path, but if it works for you it is the right one.
  • Reserve the right to change your mind: As you are pursuing a goal you may decide it is no longer something you strive for. It is okay to change your mind, after all it is your goal. This doesn’t mean you have failed.

Personal goals are important but they shouldn’t be sources of stress and anxiety. Relax and enjoy your pursuits. As you do, you will find plenty of motivation along the way. Happiness is both divinely inspired and the intrinsic right of everyone!

What Is A Successful Relationship? Learn To Connect With Confidence

Nov 3rd, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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How do you define a successful relationship? Some would say it is a connection in which both parties see eye to eye. Others may describe it as a partnership that has mutual trust and understanding. Most agree that opencommunication is a key ingredient to a positive association. All of these opinions about successful relationships are accurate, however the most important definition you can have… is yours.

Success As You Know It

Most people inherit a partial definition of success. You may have developed one over time that works very well. It is also common to pattern relationships after those we see as children. This doesn’t mean we are powerless to change, it merely provides a basic template. As we gain our own experiences, these interpretations are either enforced, discarded or seriously challenged. In order to gain a true understanding of prosperity on any level, we must own it for ourselves. This is also true in the formation of personal and professional relationships.

Connect From A Place Of Confidence

We all experience bouts of doubt and insecurity. Every person can understand that life contains difficult challenges. One task that contains particular difficulty is establishing intimacy and vulnerability in relationships. The key is to be confident in your definitions of success, happiness and personal growth. When you are clear about where you stand, you will seek colleagues who assist you in the direction you hope to grow. Relationships, like every aspect of life, continue to evolve. Some of these natural changes will strengthen the bonds that have been established. Other transformations signal the end of seemingly strong ties. Either way, the more self-assured you are, the more you will be aware of the benefits of these evolving relationships.

Creating a clear and personal definition of a successful relationship is worth the time it takes to produce. Just remember to be confident in your own ideas, allow yourself to evolve over time and trust yourself as you use this definition to increase the joy in those you share your life with.

Let Go Of Fear: How To Gain Power Over Emotion

Oct 27th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Fear is a very powerful emotion. In fact, some say fear is the primary motivator in many people’s lives. Because of the prevalence of this common state it is important to be aware of its potential effects.Two of the most dangerous characteristics born out of anxiety of any kind are self-centeredness and arrogance.

The Power Of Fixation

When a person allows his angst to consume his life, he traps himself into the position of thinking about and talking about what he is afraid of as often as possible. The people around him are held hostage by these constant conversations. He may become so consumed by his phobias that he builds protective walls around himself .These barriers usually consist of  self-righteous opinions and assertions that confuse those around him.

Whether a person becomes self-centered or arrogant as a result of his fears, the end result is the same: he will have a complete lack of intimacy in his life.

Learn To Respond

When you go in for a routine physical, a common experience is the reflex test. The doctor takes the rubber mallet and gently raps the knee. The leg instinctively kicks out as a reaction to this strike. If the doctor is standing in front he may take a direct kick as a result of this reaction.The result is similar when you react to  fear. There is an innate expectation for something to go dreadfully wrong and as a result, you may lash out at the people around you. The most common reaction to fear is anger. When you react out of anger, you generally say or do something you later regret. Some attitudes have developed after years of repeated actions. After much repetition these reactions become ingrained. People in your life are subject to emotional backlash.

Live In The Solution

Becoming aware of patterns of negative compensation for emotional instability is half the battle. The priority then becomes developing a plan of action to change. When you are able to act in a more positive manner you have the power to let go of any emotion. Seek the help and guidance of someone who can provide you with simple solutions. As you change what you do your emotions will follow suit. With consistency and practice you will gain confidence and see change in your relationships and other areas of your life.

Remove The Clutter From Relationships:How To Release Negative Patterns

Oct 20th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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In any relationship, the process of removing clutter starts within. It begins by identifying limiting beliefs and perceptions that no longer serve a useful purpose. These beliefs and perceptions may manifest in the form of scriptsthat have been handed down for generations. It is possible to suddenly realize negative relationship patterns in several areas that have been present for years.

When these patterns become evident, there may be a feeling akin to being cluttered. The thought of a specific person may create an immediate reaction of anxiety.  There may be a situation that needs to be addressed directly, but the prospect of candid communication is terrifying.This can be an indicator of limiting beliefs manifesting in relationships.

Removing the clutter allows you to determine which relationships fall into which category. With a quick assessment you may realize that there are negative patterns of behavior that you’ve wanted to change all along.  You may also discover that there are destructive relationships you’ve wanted to end.  However, you’re not going to know that until you stop for long enough to do an accurate assessment.  Some of these take a simple decision to change, followed by a plan of action. If you were cleaning your garage you would notice items out of place along with things you just want to get rid of. See box; remove box.  Discover C-clamp; place on shelf.The same is true when taking inventory of relationships.  Some may require more effort and extra help, but the willingness to take an honest look gets you started. Relationships are like spring cleaning in that once you have a plan and begin putting in the work, it flows.  Your confidence builds.  Your self-esteem builds.  You see some changes go on in your life.

It is possible to stop tripping over the emotional boxes in your life.  There will be relationships you rediscover andconnections that will be strengthened.  You will be able to finally deal with  toxic relationships that take up unwanted space in your head.  You will be open to more possibilities.  Removing the clutter creates the space needed to welcome what’s new and possible in your life. You’ll be amazed, as you remove the clutter, what opportunities begin to show up.

How To Define Success and Happiness: Pursue Your Passions And Dreams

Sep 29th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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One way to define success and happiness begins with identifying and pursuing your passions and dreams.  An extension of this definition can include doing what you love with people you love. When you are able to focus on these qualities moving forward seems to flow. This can be a challenge. It is normal to find yourself scared and insecure at times.  You may measure yourself against others and feel like you fall short of the mark.

Do You Know What You Want?

When I am secure with how I define success and happiness, I don’t have to scramble around trying to control every aspect of other people’s lives. I am more accepting of people I love going through whatever processes they need to in their lives to define success for themselves. My desire to micromanage and judge is lessened. My need for authority is in direct proportion to how I am dealing with my own self-doubt and fear.

Success Is Up To The Individual

I can’t own anyone else’s accomplishments or happiness. Regardless of the role I play as a parent, advisor, coach, boss, or friend, whomever I provide guidance to makes his or her own decisions. He or she will define success how they see fit. I may be emotionally affected by someone else’s decisions but I certainly can let go of my reactions. At the end of the day what I remember most is what I say or do, not someone else.

In order to be effective in leading others make sure you are clear about your own purpose and direction. As a result of this clarity you won’t need to focus on leadership, it is a quality which will come naturally. Satisfaction in life is something you probably desire. You may look to others for examples of how this can be achieved. People use you as a model for success as well. Honor these relationships by remaining persistent with your progress.

In what ways can you improve your focus?

How Do You React To Your Emotions? How To Change Repeated Actions

Sep 22nd, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Most of the time the ways people react to emotions follow a pattern.These patterns create habits. For example, when someone reacts to hurt or fear by becoming angry, the anger becomes habitual. The repeated actions form the custom. In order for real change to take place, the emotions behind a reaction have to be resolved.Change often starts with movement. Eventually the heart and mind, or the thinking, emotions,and deeds, must agree for a pattern to be permanently altered.

Do Your Emotions Run The Show?

It is common to react to difficult situations by becoming emotional. However, we lose personal power when emotions are in control of what we say and do. When we are able to take a step back, allow emotions to calm, and apply logic, we are less likely to say or do something we will later regret. Thinking before speaking is a challenge for most. No one is perfect in this endeavor. However, it is an area in which we can all progress.

You Choose How The Past Serves You

As years pass we gain wisdom through experience. Many of these events can be scary. It is easy to focus on how difficult certain situations were but the knowledge accrued enables better navigation through life’s events. When we choose to wallow in self-pity, the opportunity to share experiences that may benefit others is lost. How we deal with challenges is a matter of choice and perspective. We all have the power to

change our words, actions, thoughts, and feelings. If you are taking responsibility for your life and your happiness, you will use whatever steps are necessary to change your thoughts, words, and actions. This means finding a personal definition of success and happiness. The person who’s no longer reacting is moving toward something.  What is it that you’re moving toward?  What is it that you’re after?

Are Relationships Hard? How To Remove Negativity From Responsibility

Aug 25th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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A fundamental belief is that relationships are “hard work” and involve “sacrifice and compromise.” While building connections on any level can be a challenge , these negative attitudes are prevalent in today’s society because many people struggle to take responsibility for their own situations. It has become increasingly more common for people to blame someone or something else for their plight in life.

Forming unions is harder when someone is unwilling to accept that his decisions, words, and actions have a ripple effect. All relationships involve two people coming together, therefore flexibility is critical. This doesn’t necessarily mean that there must be “hard work” in order for a relationship to be successful. If a bond is extremely difficult to maintain, it is possible it shouldn’t exist. Before making that determination, however, it is imperative to make an honest self-appraisal.

  • Taking responsibility for actions and words is key.
  • Relationships are always a reflection of a person’s current state of mind.
  • When someone feels conflict with another person, the first responsibility is to look within himself to determine whether he has somehow wronged the other person.
  • If he discovers that his actions have been clean, he can find comfort in the awareness that his behavior or attitude is not at the root of this conflict.

Continuing to attempt to engage another person in conversations about conflicts may perpetuate the problem. At that point it can be helpful to take a step back and allow the other person the freedom to work out whatever issues they may have.Most people want to be liked; so this can be challenging. The other person may not respond positively and the disagreement may not be solved. A few points that may be helpful include:

  • The only actions anyone can truly control are his own.
  • Building relationships can be complicated.
  • In order to build strong relationships one must take responsibility for his own actions.

With this perspective and responsibility the building and maintaining of relationships is more a challenge than a chore. Removing the fear makes the entire experience much more rewarding.

Are You Having Fun? How To Move From The Got-Tos To The Get-Tos

Aug 4th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Are you having fun? Is your life filled with activities you look forward to? Most people would probably agree that anything worth doing should involve a degree of fun.  However, most of us create the majority of our lives with  “got-tos.” It’s time to focus on some of the “get-tos.”  For the sake of clarity, I will define a “get-to” as an activity you view with such a degree of excitement and enthusiasm, you can’t wait until you get to start.  Something that gives you butterflies when you think about it.

“It takes courage to play in a world that does not play.”

~Fred Donaldson


Do you find it more and more difficult to find “get-tos?”  Have the circumstances in your life become so stressful or filled with anxiety that you find very little joy throughout the day?  Have you become the dour figure you swore you would never be?  If this describes how you feel (even a little bit) make the decision to change.  Now!

Today, schedule in your next “get-to.”  This may feel ridiculous at first, but this is where your courage steps up.  The world is a balance of work and fun.  Play and toil.  It is up to you to create the balance.

Your current conditions may be difficult.  The challenges in your life may not be a great deal of fun or involve pain.  However, you have control over how you react to your life.  Even in the most difficult of times you can find something in your life to bring you joy.  Don’t let your guilt stop you from laughing.  Don’t let your seriousness stop you from a moment of silliness.  Get into the habit now of experiencing as much fun and laughter as possible.  Be the exciting, fun-machine you were born to be!

Photo Credit: sillygwailo via Flickr

What Is The Strength Of Relationships? Commitment To Personal Growth

Jul 28th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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What if I told you the strength of your relationships is contingent upon you and your partner’s commitmentto personal growth?  Let’s take a closer look.  Since many partnerships have dissolved as a result of stagnation, the simple act of stretching our knowledge and awareness can create the positive energy between two people to reinforce the choice to stay together. This is true for any kind of significant relationship or partnership, whether the relationship is personal or professional. Any successful partnership involves a degree of intimacy.

“If we’re growing, we’re always going to be out of our comfort zone.”

~ John Maxwell


So many of us believe we find security in the status quo.  However over time, people tend to develop resentment with those they feel are holding them back from the life they really want. Many come to realize the predictability they once cherished is no longer satisfying.  Although it is easy to blame our partners for this lack of growth, it is up to us to live the life we aspire to.  It is useful to look within to determine whether you feel stifled.

Here are a few simple questions to evaluate whether you are being intellectually and emotionally stretched:

  • Pay attention to your level of enthusiasm about the day ahead.  Is it high or low?
  • Do the activities you participate in offer the opportunity to be exposed to people outside of your normal circle?
  • Have you recently learned new information that enhances your life

If you find you are stuck in the same old routine, make the powerful decision to consciously expand your awareness. With this expansion of consciousness comes the opportunity for remarkable progress. Your relationships will be positively impacted by you making the decision to step outside of what is comfortable and challenge yourself to grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Simple Steps To Change Negative Patterns And Create Emotional Security

Jul 21st, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Wouldn’t it be relieving to know negative patterns of behavior could be changed? Most are afraid to make any kind of transformation due to the fear of the unknown. A feeling of emotional security can be created by staying within the status quo.  Many fight for predictability even though negative patterns can be created. Sometimes years fly by before we come to the realization that we are simply living the life expected of us, as opposed to seeking new experiences and awareness.  There is a degree of comfort in traditions and knowing that preceding generations have lived the same way.  This cyclical pattern affects all aspects of life, from a sense of self worth to the quality of relationships.

If you have become aware of yourself repeating negative patterns, there are some very simple steps you can take to create positive results:

  • Make a note of the pattern you want to change.
  • Write down several ways how this pattern manifests in your life.
  • Share this awareness with an objective person.
  • Make a simple plan of specific actions you can take to change your direction.

Involving the assistance of an objective person is critical. It is difficult to maintain any honest self-appraisal. It can be a challenge for anyone who is emotionally to close to your situation to offer direct and frank advice.  With the help of a trusted friend, coach or mentor, you will discover areas of your life you may not see on your own and you will establish accountability.  With this connection, you will feel empowered and more likely to make the real changes you desire. This outside perspective will remind you how far you have come and encourage you to keep moving forward.

So start today!   Begin to notice where you act without awareness. Observe situations in which you find yourself reacting in ways you do not like.  Choose to take the simple steps to begin a new chapter in your life.  One where you live the life you really want.

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