belief systems

Taking Compliments

Jul 14th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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3351160843_890060319b“A compliment is verbal sunshine.” ~Robert Orben

There are few things that make a person feel better than hearing a compliment. A kind word of encouragement or a gracious accolade can change the course of a person’s day. Flattering remarks, when received at a critical time, may impact the direction of someone’s life.

What is often overlooked is how important it is to receive compliments. If you are someone who has been conditioned to prove humility through self-deprecation, being open to the admiration of others may be difficult. You may believe your head will obnoxiously expand with pride. You have undoubtedly practiced the art of “compliment deflection” in order to escape the temptation of undeserved acclaim.

It is vital to remember how vulnerable a person giving a compliment feels. The fear of rejection is common and when you fend off the kind words of an admirer, you risk reinforcing his negative self-perception. If  compliments are difficult for you to receive, the issue is your self esteem. View your avoidance as an indicator of the need to strengthen the way you see yourself.

  • Begin by paying attention to your self talk. What do you tell yourself about you?
  • Be aware of how often you compliment others
  • Pay attention to the first thing you think about someone when you are approached, is it judgmental or kind?

As you become more aware of your inner dialogue, you will begin to see the value of giving and receiving compliments. You will realize that commendations aren’t  exercises in inappropriate ego building, just like self-censure is not a sign of humility. The giving and receiving of compliments are key ingredients to building strong and lasting connections.The vulnerability involved brings people closer. Practice using this wonderful tool and recognize the improvement in all your relationships!

Photo Credit:Will S. via Flickr

Cynics Beware

Jun 30th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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We have all seen angry, tight-jawed people who live in a constant state of cynicism. They find no joy in life. They are constantly afraid of people trying to take advantage of them. They also happen to be the same people who manipulate and take advantage of others.

“What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.” ~ Oscar Wilde

We have all heard the expression, “misery loves company.” The miserable have relationships built on some common and unhealthy foundations. These foundations include: “blood is thicker than water,” “this relationship is mutually beneficial,” or “I need them/they need me.” Notice that none of those statements have anything to do with attraction, joy, or love. All of those types of relationships involve some form of coercion or manipulation. People engaged in these kinds of relationships rarely experience any kind of pleasure because they will always find something or someone to complain about.

Some use their cynicism as a point of pride. They actually like having a persona that elicits fear. I suppose this is o.k. for the person who wants to be alone. For those who desire a life filled with laughter,love, and fellowship, it is imperative to let go of misanthropic tendencies.

  • Make the decision to let go of excuses from the past you feel justify your anger
  • Do not surround yourself with other negative or cynical people
  • Find time throughout the day to focus on gratitude
  • Smile

I am not suggesting anyone become a blind Pollyanna. I am saying it is important to be positive no matter what comes along. There are many who face calamity with serenity. Find people who possess this ability and get to know them. The more relationships you have with genuinely happy people, the happier you will be.

Photo Credit: Kenny Maths via: Flickr

Self Deceived No More

Jun 24th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Self-deception is a common theme with people who are controlled by irrational fears. In order for someone to continue to live in a pattern of neurosis, they must be able to justify their fear to themselves and to others. A common characteristic with such people is self-righteousness and anger.

“Suppose we were able to share meanings freely without a compulsive urge to impose our view or conform to those of others and without distortion and self deception. Would this not constitute a real revolution in culture?” ~ David Bohm

It is very important to remember we do not live in a vacuum. We deal with other people in all areas of our lives. One key to intimate relationships is accepting that we cannot convince everyone, even those who are closest to us, to see things exactly the way we do. When there are differences in opinion, we either choose to accept these disagreements or sabotage, and possibly end, the relationship. With each disagreement we must ask ourselves, “Is this worth the relationship?” It is important to determine whether the disagreement is a simple difference of opinion or a breach of principle. If I am willing to risk a relationship because of a difference in opinion, it is probable that I am allowing myself to be controlled by irrational fears. Perhaps my fear is that I am not important or what I have to say is not thought of highly. Either way the fear is self-centered and irrational.

One way irrational thought enters the equation is when we allow our opinions to justify our fears. For example, if someone is afraid that people are always trying to take advantage of them, they will isolate themselves to the point of having minimal interaction with other people. In their minds, they are insulating themselves from a world that is brutal and harsh. They convince themselves to not rely on anyone. Anyone trying to get close is doing so because of ulterior motives. They see anyone with a different opinion as a threat to their security. Their lives are controlled by their fear and their anger is always at a low boil. These people wind up lonely as a result of their unwillingness to be flexible.

Here are some simple ways to identify irrational fear and begin the process of change:

1.    Write down five ways you have made other people responsible for your inability to change. (Example: I can’t change because my partner abuses alcohol.)

2.    Write down an irrational fear you have held on to which puts other people in a position to be manipulated. How long have you had this fear? What/who are you able to avoid as a result of this fear?

3.    Write down how your life would be different if you didn’t have this fear.

Think about how free you feel whenever you let go of a false belief or a layer of self-deception. This liberation allows you to grow in ways you wouldn’t imagine. Give yourself the opportunity to move forward!

Emotional Yoga

Jun 19th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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“The boldness of asking deep questions may require unforeseen flexibility if we are to accept the answers.” ~ Brian Greene

One of the primary purposes of yoga is to create flexibility and strength in the body. The same exercise is needed for our emotional well-being. Our emotional well-being is the primary key in building strong, healthy relationships. When we live in any degree of fear, we become defensive and rigid. We hold on to antiquated belief systems because they are familiar and safe. We follow our scripting because the direction is obvious and seems to be a low risk proposition.

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We always have the option to change our perspective. We also always have the option to broaden our horizons and expand our exposure to different ideas. When we are able to do this, we break the cycle of rigidity. By breaking this cycle we exercise our emotional muscles. The stronger and more flexible our emotional muscles become, the more we expand our ability to be open to intimacy. We no longer have to remain stuck in our patterns and we can allow our capacity of love to grow without any self-imposed limitations. I know that my ability to welcome new relationships is contingent upon my ability to be flexible. I also know that if I don’t want my current relationships to stagnate, I must continue to be willing to grow and change.

•    The two greatest motivators are love and fear
•    The willingness to risk a relationship due to different opinions is rooted in irrational fear
•    Love creates more love
•    If life seems difficult, it is due to your resistance to change

Be willing to stretch. This discomfort will lead to unexpected opportunities for unimaginable growth. The connections you will make as a result of your pliancy will be a reminder of the value of unity.

Following Threads

Jun 12th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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3518256175_60607e3222A year ago I facilitated a workshop for a parent group in St.Louis, Missouri. I had recently released my first book, Relationships for the Intimately Challenged, and led these meetings to support the ideas I had written about. I had no real speaking experience outside of my normal job setting, and quickly realized I had much to learn.

One of the workshop participants happens to be a professional author, facilitator, and executive coach. She took copious notes and offered to share her observations with me. I was open to hearing her opinion, after all this was new to me, and I wanted to learn as much as possible.

What she shared with me wasn’t very complimentary, but she communicated her criticism in a manner that was motivating. She offered to coach me and I eagerly hired her.

I made the decision to become an author and a professional speaker out of a desire to share insights I have gained throughout my life with as many people as possible. What I have realized as a result of responding to this inspiration is that I always have a lot to learn. As simple as this realization sounds, it is also very profound. I, like many others, can fall into the trap of security and predictability. The problem with security and predictability is the potential squelching of passion, enthusiasm, and, creativity.


I look at inspirations or good ideas as threads meant for me to follow. Some of them lead nowhere, but some lead me to amazing experiences and opportunities. As a direct result of making the decision to write my book and pursue professional speaking I have:

  • completed Jack Canfield‘s Breakthrough to Success Training along with the Advanced Breakthrough to Success. From attending these trainings I have gained a tremendous amount of awareness about personal transformation, which I have been able to share with my employees and friends, and made some valuable connections with people I never would have met.
  • joined the National Speaker’s Association, which has exposed me to incredible resources and mentors from a wide variety of backgrounds
  • begun providing workshops to various businesses along with parent’s groups

These are just a few results of some seemingly simple decisions. All of these actions involve following threads. I have been scared to do some of the things I have done. I have had to challenge many limiting beliefs about myself. I continue to stretch in ways that are uncomfortable. However, I am much happier,  more fulfilled, and my ability to serve other people has increased exponentially.

Is it a priority for you to grow as a person? Are there inspirations you have ignored because of self-limiting excuses? Look for the threads in your life. Muster the courage to follow them. At the very least you will discover new directions in which to go or passions to follow. Doesn’t that sound fun?

Photo Credit: *Evelina* via: Flickr


It Begins With You

May 13th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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“Love life and life will love you back. Love people and they will love you back.” ~Arthur Rubinstein


Are you in a lot of conflict right now? Does it seem like you’re swimming against the current?Do you feel resistance to your dreams and desires?

There are times when we all feel this way. To me these feelings are indicators of a lack of compassion and connection. When you are compassionate, there is a flow to life. Even if things aren’t going exactly the way you believe it should, you are able to find acceptance. We spend so much time focused on the performance and behavior of others that we forget a better world starts with me.

A sense of connection is vital to success. In order to connect with people we must find common ground on which to relate. When the common ground is discovered as a result of compassion the relationship has a much better chance to flourish. Some simple ways to remain aware of your level of compassion are:

  • Do you look for similarities or differences between you and others?
  • Are you able to find opportunities to allow your experiences to benefit people with whom you come in contact?
  • How often do you follow inspirations to perform acts of service?

There is no better time to love than right now. Circumstances and people respond to the energy generated by you. Pay attention, be present, and take advantage of the opportunities to make your world a better place.

Do What You Love, Because You Love It

May 7th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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“The worst prison would be a closed heart.”

~Pope John Paul II

In his book, The Success Principles, Jack Canfield writes about the benefits of having a “Ready, Fire, Aim”mentality. He isn’t encouraging people to be irresponsible or to act on every whim, the point is to remind people to get started and respond to feedback.

Change happens as a result of action. Action is motivated by inspiration. Inspiration is created by fear, love, or passion. One of the greatest gifts of life is that it is filled with constant opportunities to find inspiration and change.

I love the work I do. I have spent the past twenty-two years working with people affected by substance abuse. This work has allowed me to deal with a very diverse group of people dealing with a wide range of issues. Over the past several years I have become more interested in helping people improve their relationships. This is a topic in which I have a great deal of interest and a high level of passion.

When I wrote Relationships for the Intimately Challenged, I was motivated by my desire to share the knowledge I had acquired about relationships through the years. As a result of writing the book, I have created several opportunities to learn, grow, and expand my life. I have met a lot of people who have assisted me in the art of writing. I have joined the National Speaker’s Association, which has opened many doors. I continue to learn about writing, speaking, and managing a business every day. This has all come as a result of following what I love.

  • Are you doing what you love?
  • Do you feel a sense of vocational satisfaction?
  • Are you confident you are making a difference?

We all suffer from self-doubt from time to time. However, it is critical to answer these questions with a resounding yes. You will need guidance. You will need re-assurance. You will need to remind yourself of why you do what you do. If you start from a place of loving what you do you will find the guidance, re-assurance, and reminders you need.

  • Take the time to answer the above questions.
  • Find for yourself what is important to do.
  • Make a commitment to begin taking small steps to move in the direction of your passion.

Life is a beautiful experience. Make sure you take advantage of the opportunities to enjoy it to its fullest. Do what you love.

Peace Comes From Within

Apr 17th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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One of the most difficult things to do is to find peace.  It sounds very easy in theory, but we have a ton of distractions. Some of these distractions are positive, like falling in love or an exciting challenge at work, and some are very toxic, like resentment or anger. One of the keys to a fulfilling life is to remove as many toxic distractions as possible in order to focus on relationships and activities that bring us joy. Of course there are situations and actions of other people over which we have no power or control, but we always have control over our responses.

Resentment and anger waste more energy than any other emotional reactions. The time you spend focusing on the shortcomings and faults of others does nothing for anybody. One of the best tools I have found to stay out of anger and resentment comes from the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

The second agreement encourages you to “not take things personally.” This is wonderful advice. Any opinion someone has about you is based on their own projection and experience. Choosing to take someone else’s opinion on, whether it is positive or negative, is making the choice to give away your power. It feels good to receive compliments and it hurts to be criticized, but allowing outside influences to control your perception of yourself hinders your ability to be responsible for your own happiness.

Make the decision to stop taking things personally. When you find yourself affected by the opinions of others ask yourself a couple of simple questions:

  • Do I already believe this to be true about me?
  • Is this an aspect of my personality I would like to change?
  • If it is a compliment, am I using this compliment to make myself superior to others?

Ultimately, how you live and interact with others will be dictated by the way you see yourself. Focus on living simple, acknowledging when you make a positive change, and commit to using mistakes as opportunities to learn. When you follow these simple steps you will be less affected by the opinions of others and will feel more at peace.

It Ain’t Happening Now

Feb 25th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Photo Credit:andertho via Flickr

“What’s in the past is dead. Let the dead bury the dead.”

~Og Mandino from The Greatest Miracle in the World”

When afraid, we love to use our past as a way to justify our behavior in the present. There are those, too, who love to hold on to past hurts to use as ammunition to punish others. Our past experiences, relationships, and awareness provide a frame of reference for how to deal with our current situations. They give us useful insights into ways we may better handle life moving forward. The problem many people have is in allowing their past to weigh them down.

Many people have experienced traumatic situations. Others have survived abusive and destructive relationships. We can find people who have made and lost fortunes. Some people attempt to manipulate respect based on past glories. The simple truth is a person’s ability to succeed, create happiness, and share love exists in the now.

There are countless versions of “the past teaches” and “the future provides hope” axioms. This article is no different. It is, however, a fact people must be reminded of. Here are some simple ways to make positive use of the past:

  • Make note of how you identify yourself. How much of this is based on what you did or who you were?
  • Do these identifications give you a sense of hope and provide hope to others?( For example: I’m a recovering alcoholic or a cancer survivor)
  • Do you use these identifications as a way to justify negative behavior today?

There is a tremendous difference between the wisdom created as a result of past experiences and remaining stuck in negative, self-limiting patterns. The most telling sign is whether or not your experiences allow you more opportunities to teach and be of service to others. Be happy with yourself. Let go of any past experiences which no longer serve you or anyone else. Yes, these experiences are a part of who you are. However, they don’t tell your entire story.

Collective Consciousness

Jan 20th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
1 comment

This is not a political post. The point of this article is to discuss the power of the collective consciousness and the strength of unity.

Today’s inauguration is another example of the collective consciousness creating a societal change. Whether you agree or disagree with the outcome of November’s election, it is impossible to deny the overwhelming collective desire to shift the consciousness of our country and of the world.

This kind of change is possible in every individual’s life and relationships. First of all, ask yourself some simple questions:

 

  • Are you frustrated with your current state of affairs( financial, professional, romantic, and/or family relationships)?
  • Do you blame others for this current state?
  • Do you have a desire to feel more connected to people in your life?
  • Do you feel like you are in constant conflict with others?

 

There are certainly more questions you can ask yourself but this provides a starting point.

282473498_1bb8a2dc3cBe the Change You Desire

Conflict never feels good. Frustration is a state which stymies creativity and free thinking. Only those who take no responsibility for their lives blame others. Those who feel disconnected and alone have lost their sense of self.

  • Make a decision to resolve conflicts in your life by identifying where you have made mistakes
  • Find a definition of success and happiness which reflects your essence rather than attempting to please others
  • Be a strong “I” in order to build connections which will be strong partnerships

Be a winner, stick with winners, and find security in the fact that your life reflects who you truly are. Use today as a reminder to remain diligent in your beliefs, to dream big, and know that anything is possible.

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