letting go

Stop Resisting Change: What We Can Learn From The Pioneers

Jun 16th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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You can stop resisting change. Although any transition is scary, the fear doesn’t have to lead to debilitating resistance. Change means a phase of  life is coming to an end. This can apply to a job, a scholastic career or a relationship. In order to step into what is new or possible, it is imperative to recognize what needs to be released  in order to continue progressing in life.

Lessons Of The Oregon Trail

For 25 years, between 1841 and 1866, people uprooted themselves and their entire lives to head west. Estimates range between 250,000 to 650,000 people, who made the trip along the Oregon Trail.  They were looking for new opportunities they heard about through the grapevine. People had heard stories about the successes others had experienced from Oregon to California, Utah to Colorado and Montana to Washington. They were inspired to take the same journey, hoping for better lives.

What they might not have taken into consideration was how difficult the journey would be or what they would have to let go of in order to get there. Many wanted to bring their entire lives along with them. They brought all the precious items that would remind them of the people and places they left behind – grandfather clocks, pianos, books, china and more. Along the journey, as they realized how weighted down they were with material things, the trail became littered with any items not considered crucial to survival.

In order to get over the mountains, these pioneers realized there was a lot they needed to let go of. They had to release what was comfortable and familiar to be successful in completing their journey. After all, when creating a new world and adapting to a new reality, that’s what it takes.

Let Go Of Old Belief Systems

When we are going through any transition, large or small, pay particular attention to what is difficult to let go of. Notice the thoughts that come to the surface. Just like the pioneers had to let go of pianos, grandfather clocks and pot belly stoves to make it through the mountains, we must let go of our old belief systems and modes of operation which are no longer effective.

Sometimes, we must close old doors to allow new doors to open in our lives.

Don’t Judge Your Feelings!

Jan 25th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
1 comment

It is important to identify the fears stopping you from accomplishing your goals of falling in love with your life and building intimate relationships with others. Having a desire to change is essential to this process. It is also important to be aware of the feelings attached to these detrimental fears. For example, I know the feeling I get when I am manifesting my fear into anger. It’s the kind of fear that rests in the pit of your stomach. When I have that feeling I automatically go into a defensive mindset. When I am defensive, I want to attack someone or something.

Once I identify the feeling, I am alerted to what is happening. This feeling creates a level of discomfort which empowers me to change. Without it, I may not find the motivation to change. Through this acknowledgement I am able to let go of my fears and anger and return to joy.

Drop the Judgment

Don’t fall into the trap of believing your feelings are right or wrong, good or bad. Accept that they just are. By letting go of self judgment, you empower yourself to appropriately respond to your emotions. These feelings are guides. They are indicators as to whether you are moving in the direction of happiness and joy. You can change the way you associate with your feelings.

Three Simple Steps

  • Observe and acknowledge when you have strong emotional responses
  • Notice the labels you place on your emotions
  • When you find yourself in self-flagellation as a result of a feeling, remember it is words and actions that have an effect, not emotions. If you don’t like how you feel, change what you do

You possess the power to change the way you feel. It isn’t as complicated as it may seem. Keep things simple and take it easy with how you think of yourself.

Three Simple Steps To Immediately Improve All Of Your Relationships

Dec 18th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Parents want their kids to change but many of these same kids think their parents are idiots. Managers demand improved performance from their employees while the employees want their bosses to stop micro-managing. Business owners work tirelessly to build trust as some customers take advantage of the philosophy of “always being right.” Relationships can definitely present challenges. Some of these challenges are a bitch. There are times that we will all have to deal with difficult people. Sometimes those who are the most trying are the people we love the most.

One common mistake is assuming you will feel better if the other person changes. While this may provide temporary relief, the fact remains that the next time a similar situation arises you will probably react with the same level of agitation. The reaction is where the problem lies. Another person’s behavior can only affect you as much as you allow it to. However, you always have 100% control over how you react. There are three simple steps you can take to immediately improve all of your relationships. If you follow these steps, your relationship related anxiety will decrease exponentially.

Step 1: Take 100% Responsibility For Your Behavior. It is easy to fall into the trap of waiting for the other person to change. If there is a problem in a relationship, your feelings are creating discomfort. Whether another person’s actions are reprehensible or annoying is irrelevant. You only have the power to change yourself. Determine which of your emotional reactions are creating discomfort and begin to change them. There are thousands of techniques available to appropriately deal with emotions. Find which tools resonate with you and use them.

Step 2: Let Go of the Desire to Control the Other Person. Rarely do other people perform the way you want them to. It’s as if you are the director shouting instructions to a group of actors who don’t speak your language! Every human being, regardless of their relationship to you, is autonomous. Just as you create your own perceptions and make your own decisions, so does everyone else in your life. Your ability to control other people’s behavior is an illusion. If someone is giving you the authority to dictate to them, even this is as the result of their decision. By letting go of the idea that you are in charge of the happiness of another person, you allow the opportunity for a real relationship. Don’t confuse compliance with connection.

Step 3: Clearly Define the Relationship. When you have an idea of what you want from a particular relationship, you are able to create appropriate boundaries. Like anything else, a relationship is a living entity that needs to be cultivated and nurtured in order to flourish. With any relationship, answer some basic questions: why am I involved? what do I hope to gain from this? and what do I bring to the table?

Take the time to evaluate the significant relationships in your life. Determine which ones need some maintenance. Apply these three simple steps and see the immediate changes that take place. Finally, share these simple steps with others to reinforce the positive changes within you.

Me, Scared?

Oct 30th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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The following post is taken from my upcoming book: Connected: The Art of Building Relationships. Connected is the updated edition of Relationships for the Intimately Challenged.

A grandiose ego is a common defense mechanism used to mask fear. When someone is insecure and has a fundamental fear around people, an easy way to keep others at arm’s length is to give the illu­sion of confidence through ego. For example, someone who is talented may not feel grateful for his ability or feel good about himself just because he is able to perform certain tasks well. He only responds to the adulation of others; and when he doesn’t receive this needed praise, he be­comes louder and angrier in order to gain at­tention.

How many prima donna professional athletes and entertainers fit this description? The sad reality is that these individuals are never able to fully appreciate or celebrate their talents in a meaningful way because they never allow themselves to completely share their gifts with others. They exist with a constant pressure to per­form. Therefore, everything they do is moti­vated by fear. Fear that if they somehow lose their ability, people will no longer love them. Fear that people are only there because of something (usually money) they can pro­vide.

This phenomenon is not limited to ath­letes and entertainers. We see these charac­teristics in people in all walks of life. Show me a tyrannical father at home, and I will show you a scared insecure man who only feels whole when he controls others. Employers who micro-manage also suffer from the same inse­curity and fear of people. It is expressed by forcing others to believe they are inferior and cannot adequately do their job without the constant supervision of the boss. Finally, parents who force their children to perform for them or other adults live in a per­petual state of fear. These children are per­ceived as extensions of the parents and must earn the parents’ praise.

Another way we manifest fear is through guilt. We look at past actions (be­cause of either embarrassment or retribution from others) and attempt to protect ourselves. Even though the intention is to keep himself safe, the person who holds on to guilt only accom­plishes isolation. Although this person may convince himself that people stay around him be­cause he is loved, deep inside he believes the only reason people are still around is because of a flawed sense of loyalty or pity.

The guilty person is extremely ma­nipulative. She is constantly trying to be helpful, but the people being “helped” only become resentful. The guilty person convinces herself she is “needed” so she will never be alone. Unfortunately, she may never feel a true sense of connection to others.

Ultimately, any of these manifestations of fear, anger, superiority, grandiosity, and guilt lead to the core belief: a fear of being alone. When people try to side step these issues, they stop themselves from deal­ing with what is ultimately the problem. We as human beings are social creatures. So much of what we do is motivated by a need to feel a sense of community and connection.

We all want to be loved and understood.

Many of us have spent much of our lives being slaves to our scripting and fears and therefore don’t know where to begin to feel fulfilled emotionally. When we are able to recognize the ways that we are “intimately challenged” we start down the path of finding some solu­tions. Those that stay in denial of their fears remain stuck in isolation.

As we are able to clearly see the difference between our definitions of success, happiness, intimacy, and relationships as opposed to those definitions that are simply conditioned reactions, we are able to take more responsibility for our lives. As we take more responsibility for our lives, our relationships become closer.

The Security and (Sometime) Dysfunction of Family

Aug 12th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
1 comment

184665954_6e032f5ac8In any situation involving relationships, we are in pursuit of security. Security is neither positive nor negative. If we are comfortable with conflict, we will be secure in situations that are contentious and chaotic. If we operate well when our surroundings are calm, we will be secure in an environment that is calm and peaceful.
An outside observer may see someone in a violent situation and not understand why the person doesn’t simply leave. However, the person in the violent situation is familiar with these surroundings and has learned to adapt to them. As a result of this adaptation, he survives in this environment while any other situation is unfathomable and unrealistic. He simply accepts the fact his life is violent. By his own definition, he may seek out relationships where he will find conflict. Unless he directly confronts this belief system, he will continue to find security in violence.
The good news is he can shift his security. It is entirely possible for him to realize he doesn’t have to accept the violence as his reality. If he experiences enough discomfort, or sees a more attractive lifestyle, he can find the motivation to change his belief systems and his life.
In the media, we hear stories about people who have gone down a path of crime and self-destruction. We describe them as “victims of their environment”.

Although it is undeniable many people in our society are born with some severe disadvantages, to describe them as victims would not be completely accurate.

Your family background plays a major role in these scenarios. Your earliest definitions about life are formed at home. For some, these definitions are very positive. These individuals learn and understand the positive expressions of love, which form a solid foundation for them to build on for the rest of their lives. Their ability to make decisions from a stable and secure mind-set is evident. However, for many others, there are usually some flawed perceptions that develop from dysfunctional family situations.

•    The word family connotes relationships to which we are indelibly bound.
•    Being related provides the opportunity to have a strong connection but doesn’t guarantee this connection.
•    A dysfunctional family is one in which abuse, neglect, closed- mindedness, and absence of affection are characteristics which create the atmosphere at home.
Here are some simple things you can do to determine how your definition of family affects your life today:

1.    Write a brief (two or three sentences) description of an ideal family. Focus on the emotional characteristics.
2.    Compare this description to the environment in which you grew up; again focus on the emotional characteristics.
3.    Write down three positive characteristics you developed as a result of growing up in this environment.
4.    Write down three negative characteristics you have used to justify any negative patterns in your life.

You were not in control of the environment you were born into. However, you do possess the ability to alter the direction of your life today. Your awareness is a major key to taking control of the direction of your happiness. Although you may have been victimized in the past, you don’t have to remain in that state today.

Rewrite Your Scripts

Jul 28th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
4 comments

Dealing with the past gives us some answers to the question of “why”. To create change, we must recognize the pattern and take action.

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As a child, our interactions with our families teach us how to relate to other people and establish patterns that appear later in life. If Dad always complains about Mom and launches into lengthy diatribes about the “craziness of women,” this will have an effect on how we relate to women. If Mom waxes poetic about the sad state of chauvinistic cavemen in her life, this will influence our relationships with men. Interests of parents, brothers and sisters all sway our perceptions. However, we are not slaves to these perceptions, and we must learn how to identify, and subsequently change, our negative scripts.

There are several ways to identify scripts:

Preferences or tastes
Often, the preferences we have are developed as a result of who we spend a significant amount of time with. Children will often take on the likes and dislikes of their parents or siblings. When we explore why we like or dislike certain people, places, or things, we often find our families feel the same way.
Forms of self-sabotage
Many forms of self-sabotage or self-destructive behavior are described as “hereditary.” A more accurate description would be scripting. I’ll use alcoholism, a common scripting pattern, as an example. Although there is an age-old debate about whether or not there is a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, I am going to focus on the behavioral aspect. When a child is raised in a home where alcohol abuse is prevalent, there is a strong likelihood he will react to his environment by abusing alcohol himself. Growing up in an alcoholic environment doesn’t guarantee the child will abuse alcohol, but it certainly increases the odds. When this person discovers he is abusing alcohol as a reaction to a scary or negative environment, he has begun the process of script identification. This reaction is a comfortable, familiar behavior, but comfortable and familiar do not necessarily mean positive.

Relationship choices
Most people are familiar with the saying, “We marry our mothers (or fathers).” What this means is we seek a partner who exhibits certain character traits with which we are comfortable. Remember, comfortable doesn’t necessarily mean positive. Many people find themselves involved in relationships with people who provide a sense of security, even when the relationship is very destructive. The flip-side to this example is seeking character traits in a partner that are familiar, secure, and very positive.

Career choices
Some tasks seem to come naturally to certain people. This often has a lot to do with scripting. When we are exposed to something regularly, we will understand it much better. This includes acquiring skills that seem extremely difficult to develop. Being exposed to something isn’t a guarantee we will prefer it, but it certainly predisposes someone to develop this preference.

In scripting, our actions stem from an emotional reaction. When there is a negative scripting pattern in our lives, we have emotions connected to it. For example, if someone grew up in a home where there was a lot of yelling, the same person may react emotionally to loud voices or shouting. The emotional reaction may never change, but the response certainly can. Changing our responses is how we can make powerful changes in our lives.
People become victims to their scripting when they allow their feelings to control what they do. Emotional reactions are often irrational and create many problems in relationships. Once an emotional reaction takes place, the people we are interacting with will generally react emotionally as well. As a result of an emotional exchange, we wind up saying things we don’t necessarily mean, and everyone involved walks away with hurt feelings. If we are emotional, it is best to pause and think about our response.

When we are able to separate our emotions from our actions, we take back our personal power.

Once we take back our personal power, we start to form more joyful definitions of success and happiness because these definitions will no longer be based solely on familiarity. When we form joyful definitions of success and happiness, we begin to choose more positive relationships.

Photo credit:lickyoats via Flickr

Cynics Beware

Jun 30th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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We have all seen angry, tight-jawed people who live in a constant state of cynicism. They find no joy in life. They are constantly afraid of people trying to take advantage of them. They also happen to be the same people who manipulate and take advantage of others.

“What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.” ~ Oscar Wilde

We have all heard the expression, “misery loves company.” The miserable have relationships built on some common and unhealthy foundations. These foundations include: “blood is thicker than water,” “this relationship is mutually beneficial,” or “I need them/they need me.” Notice that none of those statements have anything to do with attraction, joy, or love. All of those types of relationships involve some form of coercion or manipulation. People engaged in these kinds of relationships rarely experience any kind of pleasure because they will always find something or someone to complain about.

Some use their cynicism as a point of pride. They actually like having a persona that elicits fear. I suppose this is o.k. for the person who wants to be alone. For those who desire a life filled with laughter,love, and fellowship, it is imperative to let go of misanthropic tendencies.

  • Make the decision to let go of excuses from the past you feel justify your anger
  • Do not surround yourself with other negative or cynical people
  • Find time throughout the day to focus on gratitude
  • Smile

I am not suggesting anyone become a blind Pollyanna. I am saying it is important to be positive no matter what comes along. There are many who face calamity with serenity. Find people who possess this ability and get to know them. The more relationships you have with genuinely happy people, the happier you will be.

Photo Credit: Kenny Maths via: Flickr

Self Deceived No More

Jun 24th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Self-deception is a common theme with people who are controlled by irrational fears. In order for someone to continue to live in a pattern of neurosis, they must be able to justify their fear to themselves and to others. A common characteristic with such people is self-righteousness and anger.

“Suppose we were able to share meanings freely without a compulsive urge to impose our view or conform to those of others and without distortion and self deception. Would this not constitute a real revolution in culture?” ~ David Bohm

It is very important to remember we do not live in a vacuum. We deal with other people in all areas of our lives. One key to intimate relationships is accepting that we cannot convince everyone, even those who are closest to us, to see things exactly the way we do. When there are differences in opinion, we either choose to accept these disagreements or sabotage, and possibly end, the relationship. With each disagreement we must ask ourselves, “Is this worth the relationship?” It is important to determine whether the disagreement is a simple difference of opinion or a breach of principle. If I am willing to risk a relationship because of a difference in opinion, it is probable that I am allowing myself to be controlled by irrational fears. Perhaps my fear is that I am not important or what I have to say is not thought of highly. Either way the fear is self-centered and irrational.

One way irrational thought enters the equation is when we allow our opinions to justify our fears. For example, if someone is afraid that people are always trying to take advantage of them, they will isolate themselves to the point of having minimal interaction with other people. In their minds, they are insulating themselves from a world that is brutal and harsh. They convince themselves to not rely on anyone. Anyone trying to get close is doing so because of ulterior motives. They see anyone with a different opinion as a threat to their security. Their lives are controlled by their fear and their anger is always at a low boil. These people wind up lonely as a result of their unwillingness to be flexible.

Here are some simple ways to identify irrational fear and begin the process of change:

1.    Write down five ways you have made other people responsible for your inability to change. (Example: I can’t change because my partner abuses alcohol.)

2.    Write down an irrational fear you have held on to which puts other people in a position to be manipulated. How long have you had this fear? What/who are you able to avoid as a result of this fear?

3.    Write down how your life would be different if you didn’t have this fear.

Think about how free you feel whenever you let go of a false belief or a layer of self-deception. This liberation allows you to grow in ways you wouldn’t imagine. Give yourself the opportunity to move forward!