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The Security and (Sometime) Dysfunction of Family

Aug 12th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
1 comment

184665954_6e032f5ac8In any situation involving relationships, we are in pursuit of security. Security is neither positive nor negative. If we are comfortable with conflict, we will be secure in situations that are contentious and chaotic. If we operate well when our surroundings are calm, we will be secure in an environment that is calm and peaceful.
An outside observer may see someone in a violent situation and not understand why the person doesn’t simply leave. However, the person in the violent situation is familiar with these surroundings and has learned to adapt to them. As a result of this adaptation, he survives in this environment while any other situation is unfathomable and unrealistic. He simply accepts the fact his life is violent. By his own definition, he may seek out relationships where he will find conflict. Unless he directly confronts this belief system, he will continue to find security in violence.
The good news is he can shift his security. It is entirely possible for him to realize he doesn’t have to accept the violence as his reality. If he experiences enough discomfort, or sees a more attractive lifestyle, he can find the motivation to change his belief systems and his life.
In the media, we hear stories about people who have gone down a path of crime and self-destruction. We describe them as “victims of their environment”.

Although it is undeniable many people in our society are born with some severe disadvantages, to describe them as victims would not be completely accurate.

Your family background plays a major role in these scenarios. Your earliest definitions about life are formed at home. For some, these definitions are very positive. These individuals learn and understand the positive expressions of love, which form a solid foundation for them to build on for the rest of their lives. Their ability to make decisions from a stable and secure mind-set is evident. However, for many others, there are usually some flawed perceptions that develop from dysfunctional family situations.

•    The word family connotes relationships to which we are indelibly bound.
•    Being related provides the opportunity to have a strong connection but doesn’t guarantee this connection.
•    A dysfunctional family is one in which abuse, neglect, closed- mindedness, and absence of affection are characteristics which create the atmosphere at home.
Here are some simple things you can do to determine how your definition of family affects your life today:

1.    Write a brief (two or three sentences) description of an ideal family. Focus on the emotional characteristics.
2.    Compare this description to the environment in which you grew up; again focus on the emotional characteristics.
3.    Write down three positive characteristics you developed as a result of growing up in this environment.
4.    Write down three negative characteristics you have used to justify any negative patterns in your life.

You were not in control of the environment you were born into. However, you do possess the ability to alter the direction of your life today. Your awareness is a major key to taking control of the direction of your happiness. Although you may have been victimized in the past, you don’t have to remain in that state today.

Connections are Reflections

Aug 4th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
No comments yet

I realize today that my security is internal. It comes as a result of living a life that is based on success and happiness as I define it. My definitions of success and happiness are centered around love, peace of mind, and a strong sense of connection to others. My relationships both reflect and reinforce that fact.

The more we are able to recognize our patterns of fear and negativity,
the more we can create positive and loving relationships in our lives.3033176540_da53b54fc9

Fear and negativity are fed by false and negative beliefs about the motives of other people. As a result of these limiting and fearful beliefs, many people use flawed definitions of relationships, such as “Relationships are hard work” and “Relationships are 50/50,” to justify isolation and loneliness. If we see other people as enemies who are trying to take advantage of us, then it will be very difficult to feel a true sense of connection and closeness. When we are able to truly take responsibility for our decisions and actions, we can form definitions of relationships that are rooted in love and enhancement.
Relationships can certainly be complicated. When people come together at any level, there are belief systems, preferences, and motives to be acknowledged. This process does not have to be painful. Although it can be scary, and sometimes frustrating, building positive healthy relationships is one of the key factors in a joyous life experience. The biggest challenge is deciding whether you have the willingness to take responsibility for your behavior.

•    How we live and perceive life is a choice.
•    A close relationship consists of each individual’s 100% commitment to its success.
•    Flexibility is essential in building strong relationships.
•    The only actions I can truly control are my own.
•    Building relationships can be complicated. In order to build strong relationships I must take responsibility for my own actions.

Here are some simple steps to assist you in this area:

  • Answer this question, “Am I cynical about other people’s motives in wanting to get to know me?”  Write down the ways you notice your reaction to meeting someone new.
  • Name five rigid beliefs you have that stop you from forming relationships with people. (Example: I would never talk to him because he is ________)
  • Write down a few examples of how you expect other people to meet you half-way. Are these realistic expectations?
  • If people don’t live up to these expectations, do you sabotage the relationship?

You can disengage from negativity at whatever point you choose. Your relationships will reflect how you define happiness. Don’t expect other people to spend their time and energy pleasing you. Let go of your expectations and live free!

Rewrite Your Scripts

Jul 28th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
4 comments

Dealing with the past gives us some answers to the question of “why”. To create change, we must recognize the pattern and take action.

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As a child, our interactions with our families teach us how to relate to other people and establish patterns that appear later in life. If Dad always complains about Mom and launches into lengthy diatribes about the “craziness of women,” this will have an effect on how we relate to women. If Mom waxes poetic about the sad state of chauvinistic cavemen in her life, this will influence our relationships with men. Interests of parents, brothers and sisters all sway our perceptions. However, we are not slaves to these perceptions, and we must learn how to identify, and subsequently change, our negative scripts.

There are several ways to identify scripts:

Preferences or tastes
Often, the preferences we have are developed as a result of who we spend a significant amount of time with. Children will often take on the likes and dislikes of their parents or siblings. When we explore why we like or dislike certain people, places, or things, we often find our families feel the same way.
Forms of self-sabotage
Many forms of self-sabotage or self-destructive behavior are described as “hereditary.” A more accurate description would be scripting. I’ll use alcoholism, a common scripting pattern, as an example. Although there is an age-old debate about whether or not there is a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, I am going to focus on the behavioral aspect. When a child is raised in a home where alcohol abuse is prevalent, there is a strong likelihood he will react to his environment by abusing alcohol himself. Growing up in an alcoholic environment doesn’t guarantee the child will abuse alcohol, but it certainly increases the odds. When this person discovers he is abusing alcohol as a reaction to a scary or negative environment, he has begun the process of script identification. This reaction is a comfortable, familiar behavior, but comfortable and familiar do not necessarily mean positive.

Relationship choices
Most people are familiar with the saying, “We marry our mothers (or fathers).” What this means is we seek a partner who exhibits certain character traits with which we are comfortable. Remember, comfortable doesn’t necessarily mean positive. Many people find themselves involved in relationships with people who provide a sense of security, even when the relationship is very destructive. The flip-side to this example is seeking character traits in a partner that are familiar, secure, and very positive.

Career choices
Some tasks seem to come naturally to certain people. This often has a lot to do with scripting. When we are exposed to something regularly, we will understand it much better. This includes acquiring skills that seem extremely difficult to develop. Being exposed to something isn’t a guarantee we will prefer it, but it certainly predisposes someone to develop this preference.

In scripting, our actions stem from an emotional reaction. When there is a negative scripting pattern in our lives, we have emotions connected to it. For example, if someone grew up in a home where there was a lot of yelling, the same person may react emotionally to loud voices or shouting. The emotional reaction may never change, but the response certainly can. Changing our responses is how we can make powerful changes in our lives.
People become victims to their scripting when they allow their feelings to control what they do. Emotional reactions are often irrational and create many problems in relationships. Once an emotional reaction takes place, the people we are interacting with will generally react emotionally as well. As a result of an emotional exchange, we wind up saying things we don’t necessarily mean, and everyone involved walks away with hurt feelings. If we are emotional, it is best to pause and think about our response.

When we are able to separate our emotions from our actions, we take back our personal power.

Once we take back our personal power, we start to form more joyful definitions of success and happiness because these definitions will no longer be based solely on familiarity. When we form joyful definitions of success and happiness, we begin to choose more positive relationships.

Photo credit:lickyoats via Flickr

Intimacy and Connection

Jul 21st, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.”
~ Gary Shandling

When most people hear the word intimacy they conjure up images of adults in “adult situations.” Because of the sexual connotation of the word intimacy, it can be difficult to engage someone in a conversation on this topic without becoming at least mildly uncomfortable. So let’s start by clarifying what I’m talking about when I refer to intimacy. I like to define intimacy as:

closeness and familiarity; closeness that comes as a result of having the courage to be completely engaged and connected

But how do we become completely engaged and connected in a relationship? It starts with a better understanding of ourselves.
Many people today have grown up in families with varying degrees of dysfunction. Whether due to alcoholism, drug addiction, neglect, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, or sheer coldness, many of us have been exposed to factors that have left us in a state of self-protection. In spite of these factors, many people are able to let go of their pasts and move forward in their lives by building close and intimate relationships firmly rooted in trust and love.
They are able to do this by realizing that they are not slaves to their family’s behavioral patterns or genetic pre-dispositions. Although these patterns and predispositions clearly have an effect on an individual’s behavior, they are not the only determining factors. They get to a point of finding their own definitions of success and happiness and begin surrounding themselves with people who support them in their decisions. Once you let go of your past, you too, will be able to identify the differences between what is a negative pattern or predisposition and what you want in the here and now.

Here are some simple things you can do to improve the level of intimacy in all your relationships:

  • Clarify your definition of happiness. Don’t borrow someone else’s, find your own
  • Write down the significant relationships in your life and determine whether they support this definition of happiness
  • If you decide a relationship doesn’t support you, deduce what changes you can make to alter the nature of the relationship

Remember that the level of intimacy in your life is predicated on your willingness to be open. A fear of intimacy is often created by circumstances out of your control, but you can seek help to resolve these issues whenever you choose. Intimacy and connection go hand in hand. As you become more open, the joy and happiness you experience will increase exponentially.

Taking Compliments

Jul 14th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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3351160843_890060319b“A compliment is verbal sunshine.” ~Robert Orben

There are few things that make a person feel better than hearing a compliment. A kind word of encouragement or a gracious accolade can change the course of a person’s day. Flattering remarks, when received at a critical time, may impact the direction of someone’s life.

What is often overlooked is how important it is to receive compliments. If you are someone who has been conditioned to prove humility through self-deprecation, being open to the admiration of others may be difficult. You may believe your head will obnoxiously expand with pride. You have undoubtedly practiced the art of “compliment deflection” in order to escape the temptation of undeserved acclaim.

It is vital to remember how vulnerable a person giving a compliment feels. The fear of rejection is common and when you fend off the kind words of an admirer, you risk reinforcing his negative self-perception. If  compliments are difficult for you to receive, the issue is your self esteem. View your avoidance as an indicator of the need to strengthen the way you see yourself.

  • Begin by paying attention to your self talk. What do you tell yourself about you?
  • Be aware of how often you compliment others
  • Pay attention to the first thing you think about someone when you are approached, is it judgmental or kind?

As you become more aware of your inner dialogue, you will begin to see the value of giving and receiving compliments. You will realize that commendations aren’t  exercises in inappropriate ego building, just like self-censure is not a sign of humility. The giving and receiving of compliments are key ingredients to building strong and lasting connections.The vulnerability involved brings people closer. Practice using this wonderful tool and recognize the improvement in all your relationships!

Photo Credit:Will S. via Flickr

Cynics Beware

Jun 30th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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We have all seen angry, tight-jawed people who live in a constant state of cynicism. They find no joy in life. They are constantly afraid of people trying to take advantage of them. They also happen to be the same people who manipulate and take advantage of others.

“What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.” ~ Oscar Wilde

We have all heard the expression, “misery loves company.” The miserable have relationships built on some common and unhealthy foundations. These foundations include: “blood is thicker than water,” “this relationship is mutually beneficial,” or “I need them/they need me.” Notice that none of those statements have anything to do with attraction, joy, or love. All of those types of relationships involve some form of coercion or manipulation. People engaged in these kinds of relationships rarely experience any kind of pleasure because they will always find something or someone to complain about.

Some use their cynicism as a point of pride. They actually like having a persona that elicits fear. I suppose this is o.k. for the person who wants to be alone. For those who desire a life filled with laughter,love, and fellowship, it is imperative to let go of misanthropic tendencies.

  • Make the decision to let go of excuses from the past you feel justify your anger
  • Do not surround yourself with other negative or cynical people
  • Find time throughout the day to focus on gratitude
  • Smile

I am not suggesting anyone become a blind Pollyanna. I am saying it is important to be positive no matter what comes along. There are many who face calamity with serenity. Find people who possess this ability and get to know them. The more relationships you have with genuinely happy people, the happier you will be.

Photo Credit: Kenny Maths via: Flickr

Emotional Yoga

Jun 19th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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“The boldness of asking deep questions may require unforeseen flexibility if we are to accept the answers.” ~ Brian Greene

One of the primary purposes of yoga is to create flexibility and strength in the body. The same exercise is needed for our emotional well-being. Our emotional well-being is the primary key in building strong, healthy relationships. When we live in any degree of fear, we become defensive and rigid. We hold on to antiquated belief systems because they are familiar and safe. We follow our scripting because the direction is obvious and seems to be a low risk proposition.

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We always have the option to change our perspective. We also always have the option to broaden our horizons and expand our exposure to different ideas. When we are able to do this, we break the cycle of rigidity. By breaking this cycle we exercise our emotional muscles. The stronger and more flexible our emotional muscles become, the more we expand our ability to be open to intimacy. We no longer have to remain stuck in our patterns and we can allow our capacity of love to grow without any self-imposed limitations. I know that my ability to welcome new relationships is contingent upon my ability to be flexible. I also know that if I don’t want my current relationships to stagnate, I must continue to be willing to grow and change.

•    The two greatest motivators are love and fear
•    The willingness to risk a relationship due to different opinions is rooted in irrational fear
•    Love creates more love
•    If life seems difficult, it is due to your resistance to change

Be willing to stretch. This discomfort will lead to unexpected opportunities for unimaginable growth. The connections you will make as a result of your pliancy will be a reminder of the value of unity.

Lessons From Modern Technology

Jun 5th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
3 comments

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So I was having one of those mornings. The kind where a series of events unfold that challenge your ability to stay peaceful and serene. You know, those times you shouldn’t be permitted to interact with other humans. Allow me to explain:

This week, after months of diligent research and the purposeful delay of gratification, I purchased a MacBook Pro. This was a wise purchase, by the way, the computer is awesome. However, there have been some hiccups along the way.

First of all, the package holding my new prized possession arrived on Wednesday. I had eagerly tracked the shipment and expected its prompt delivery. U.P.S. is the best. As I excitedly unwrapped my newest instrument of technology, visions of new found creativity ran through my head. I couldn’t wait to connect the old computer to the new one and unleash the power I knew this beast of a machine would deliver. What I didn’t anticipate was…… a different size FireWire oulet.

Seriously, my long awaited date with my BRAND NEW COMPUTER was being delayed by having the wrong size cord (insert your own joke here)! “Oh well, what’s another day,” I said to myself.

The next day, yesterday, I drove to the local Apple Store with complete confidence that they would have the precise cord I needed. After all, they had always stocked any product I was in search of in the past. I love that store. Much to my chagrin, they were out of the 6-9 FireWire cable. This was a travesty. The young lady at the Apple Store was kind enough to recommend a couple of electronic stores who may carry the cord I sought. After three more stops, the cord was mine!

Yesterday afternoon I began the process of information transferal. With my brand new, right sized cord I began. I was proud of my patience, it’s usually difficult for me to temper my excitement. After a few hours the transfer, registration, and other odds and ends, were complete. My speedy computer journey had begun!

Alas, this morning my entry into the world of technological superiority received a severe blow. The machine operated slower than my first IBM word processor. It did not respond to anything. In my annoyance, frustration, and disappointment, I called on my knight in shining armor, my wife Wendy. Any sophisticated technological issue I have ever had, she has been able to solve. Wendy is much brighter than me. As she patiently called Apple customer service, I paced the room like an expectant father outside of  a delivery room. To relieve my angst, I picked up my guitar to strum for a minute, a little creative stress relief. Of course, the guitar was horribly out of tune. As I turned the keys to bring the strings to their optimum pitch, the high E string snapped. IT SNAPPED. All I wanted was five minutes of mindless relaxation after a severe bout of disappointment and helplessness, but the six year old, overly stretched, and under-used high E string had the AUDACITY to snap. Unbelievable.

Wendy knows me very well. She saw me gently (yeah right) place the guitar on its stand and get up. She then gave me a look. I immediately took a breath and calmed down. It wasn’t a look of anger or an expression of fear. It was simply an understanding, “Dude your being an idiot” kind of a look.She knows me very well and I was able to quickly recognize what I was doing and change my behavior.

I learned a lot from this entire situation. Here are a few of the more valuable lessons:

  • the MacBook Pro is awesome and worth the wait
  • U.P.S. kicks serious a**
  • when I build up too much expectation and get overly excited I set myself up to react negatively
  • my wife knows how immature I really am and what a tool I can be
  • it is really important to let the people in my life know me well because my wife isn’t always there

From the simplest situations come the greatest lessons. It is fun to see the areas of my life in which I need improvement. I am grateful to have relationships with people who are as interested in loving their lives as I am. It leads to a lot of excitement and many good times.

Photo Credit : CCBImages via Flickr (although the photo kind of looks like me, it isn’t me)

Commitment is the Key

May 29th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
1 comment

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Elena found herself in an extremely difficult situation. After making the decision to change the dynamic of a relationship with a long-term supplier, she realized it would be a tough sell. Elena wanted to alter the connection because she had noticed a degree of mistrust in her dealings with the supplier, and she thought she knew why.
Elena had completed “Relationships for the Intimately Challenged” and decided to seek consultation from me in order to improve her business relationships. Particularly interested in examining relationships, Elena had discovered when interactions are viewed as 50/50 someone is always in a state of reaction and someone is always keeping score.
“It is impossible to maintain a true attitude of trust and service if both parties view the relationship as 50/50,” Elena explained, adding “I knew this supplier viewed us with a degree of paranoia. From their perspective, they believed if a problem ever arose, we would simply take their expertise and find a cheaper alternative to rectify the problem.”
Because Elena was aware of the supplier’s fears, she came up with a simple plan.
“I knew that I would need to be very clear in the explanation of my company’s commitment to their service,” Elena said. “I worked very close with the supplier to create some shared objectives, which I knew would illustrate that we were partners and show my 100 percent commitment to our shared success.”
This relationship included several components, such as equipment, processes and maintenance. Several people were involved. However, my client knew if the department heads were on the same page and dedicated, they would be able to work together.
The first time there was a major problem – an equipment breakdown – these new commitments were put to the test. The knee-jerk reaction was to start finger pointing and determine who was to blame. Was it the supplier’s responsibility for providing faulty equipment or systems? Was it my client’s company’s fault as a result of poor maintenance?
Of course it was important to figure out where the problem started, but both sides realized that in order to have a true partnership they must work together to identify the problem and develop a solution.
“The initial conversations were a bit contentious,” Elena said. “But, because I was aware of the supplier’s fears, I was able to reiterate my commitment to our relationship. I realized it was a little difficult for the supplier to completely buy what I was saying, so I put it in writing and sent it to him.”
Elena believed it was important to shift the nature of the relationship and create a system of accountability. As a result of her clear assurance, the supplier was able to relax. But the supplier’s change didn’t stop there.
“After receiving my written explanation, the supplier was a little blown away,” Elena explained.
“They were so impressed that they agreed to replace the equipment at a reduced cost and provide additional support. I wasn’t necessarily seeking this kind of solution, but I certainly took it!” she continued.
This story illustrates the importance of viewing any relationship as a commitment. Although Elena would have been disappointed had the partnership dissolved, she would be able to walk away knowing she did everything in her power to make it a success. Because of Elena’s commitment, the supplier was able to build trust, which made the supplier willing to go the extra mile to provide quality service.
Always be aware of your level of commitment in a relationship. When you focus on your value, commitment and strength, you will create an atmosphere of trust and mutuality. In the end, everyone is a success.

Photo credit: Eschipul via:Flickr

Improve Any Relationship (Even Those at Work)

May 26th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
No comments yet

Last week I had the opportunity to facilitate a seminar at Advanced Services, a pest control company in Augusta, Georgia. I was invited by Jeff Annis, the owner, to speak about healthy communication in the work place. Jeff didn’t invite me due to problems at Advanced, he simply wanted to see if there were ways in which they could improve the communication on the management team. Based on my interview with Jeff and his general manager, Pat VanHooser, I developed a plan of action for the day.

I came up with “Five Techniques to Improve Any Relationship (Even Those at Work)”. Over the next month I will go through each technique in a blog post, a short video, and a podcast. This is valuable information and I want to share it in whatever medium is best for you. So check in periodically and you will have the opportunity to learn about these Five Techniques. Here they are:

  1. Listen, No Really Listen, to the Other Person
  2. Avoid Contempt Prior to Investigation, If You Think Something……Ask!
  3. Remember You Don’t Work in a Community of Mind Readers
  4. Warm Fuzzies vs. Real Change
  5. Understand then Be Understood

All of these techniques are tried and true. They do work. They apply to any relationship. I will explain them in a work environment context but don’t allow that to exclude your participation. I’ll check in soon!

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