family

Respond To Family Crisis: How To Avoid Drama At Home

When does a situation at home become a true family crisis? Is there a distinction between a disagreement and a fundamental problem? There are some circumstances that may be simple differences of opinion that escalate into full-blown catastrophes. Some situations that need attention get swept under the rug that lead to deeper troubles. A challenge within any family is learning how to curtail drama in order to handle conditions as they arise.

Where To Start?

One of the primary causes of family crisis is a lack of cohesion within the unit. Regardless of the make-up of a family, it is important that every individual involved be aware of the wants and needs of other members. Without clarity in this area everyone is left guessing, which only increases insecurity. This emotional instability can fracture relationships and cause long-term damage to trust. For example, when parents aren’t on the same page in terms of what is acceptable behavior, children will take advantage of this split in opinion. This isn’t because kids are naturally manipulative. It is due to the fact that human beings draw security from consistency. There are several ways to demonstrate love. One important method is clear and steady communication of values. When combined with flexibility this creates an environment of assurance and sanctuary.

Now What?

There are no relationships more important than those most immediate. One of the keys to maintaing peace and cohesion at home is having a collective awareness. Everyone may not agree on every issue but if conversations are open and honest it will be possible to resolve most problems. Begin by following a few simple steps:

  • Be clear about which issues are truly important to you
  • Don’t leave others guessing about how you feel
  • Be willing to admit when your are wrong
  • Avoid the temptation to jump to conclusions

Being able to face challenges is difficult when those you love are involved. Because of this fact it is imperative to try to think before reacting. When this is accomplished the chances for a situation to escalate are diminished. As a result, relationships grow closer and harmony is achieved.

Spring Clean Your Relationships: Simple Tools With Immediate Results

Today begins “Spring Cleaning Your Relationships” month.Between now and Mother’s Day, I will be sharing some simple tips and tools based on spring cleaning basics to repair or enhance any relationship. These tips and tools will be here, on my Facebook page, my Twitter posts, my You Tube channel, and my Weekly Perspectives on clintstonebraker.com. I would love for all of you to participate, so please make comments, ask questions, or just read along.I will also be making several appearances around Atlanta beginning on April 21st at The Coffee Pot in Alpharetta, Georgia. You can view my current schedule at clintstonebraker.com.

The Premise

Basic spring cleaning techniques involve removing clutter, organizing, scrubbing and polishing. We all know, getting started is the hardest part, yet in the end, we usually feel a whole lot better about our environment and ourselves. It is possible to apply these same simple methods to improve our relationships. Any spouse, romantic partner, friend, family member, boss or employee can immediately improve the quality of their relationships by following these four spring-cleaning basics:

  • remove the clutter (identify limiting beliefs)
  • organize (acknowledge and prioritize your needs)
  • scrub what’s dirty (take responsibility for one’s own behavior)
  • polish everything (pay close attention to everyday interactions)

How It Will Work

My posts over the next month will have a little different focus each week.

  • Week 1 (next week) will focus on romance and marriage
  • Week 2 will focus on  friendship
  • Week 3 will focus on business/work relationships
  • Week 4 will focus on family relationships

Check in often and participate. I look forward to hearing from all of you as we strengthen our connecting skills and Spring Clean Our Relationships!

Share the Gratitude

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Last year I got the idea to write a weekly gratitude post on my blog leading up to Thanksgiving. I read about it on another blog and loved the idea. Sandra Dodd joined me, and this year I would love as many people to participate as possible. Let’s link up our blogs and share the gratitude.

Do whatever feels good to you, what I am going to do is post 5 things I am grateful for every Wednesday leading up to Thanksgiving. It’s a fun tradition I hope you will share with me! So here I go:

  1. I am grateful for my wonderful family
  2. I am grateful I get to participate in so many groups
  3. I am grateful I have so much support from friends
  4. I am grateful I live in Georgia and get to experience these beautiful fall days
  5. I am grateful I get so many opportunities for adventure

It is a joy to share my gratitude with as many people as possible. I look forward to reading everything you share!

Rewrite Your Scripts

Dealing with the past gives us some answers to the question of “why”. To create change, we must recognize the pattern and take action.

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As a child, our interactions with our families teach us how to relate to other people and establish patterns that appear later in life. If Dad always complains about Mom and launches into lengthy diatribes about the “craziness of women,” this will have an effect on how we relate to women. If Mom waxes poetic about the sad state of chauvinistic cavemen in her life, this will influence our relationships with men. Interests of parents, brothers and sisters all sway our perceptions. However, we are not slaves to these perceptions, and we must learn how to identify, and subsequently change, our negative scripts.

There are several ways to identify scripts:

Preferences or tastes
Often, the preferences we have are developed as a result of who we spend a significant amount of time with. Children will often take on the likes and dislikes of their parents or siblings. When we explore why we like or dislike certain people, places, or things, we often find our families feel the same way.
Forms of self-sabotage
Many forms of self-sabotage or self-destructive behavior are described as “hereditary.” A more accurate description would be scripting. I’ll use alcoholism, a common scripting pattern, as an example. Although there is an age-old debate about whether or not there is a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, I am going to focus on the behavioral aspect. When a child is raised in a home where alcohol abuse is prevalent, there is a strong likelihood he will react to his environment by abusing alcohol himself. Growing up in an alcoholic environment doesn’t guarantee the child will abuse alcohol, but it certainly increases the odds. When this person discovers he is abusing alcohol as a reaction to a scary or negative environment, he has begun the process of script identification. This reaction is a comfortable, familiar behavior, but comfortable and familiar do not necessarily mean positive.

Relationship choices
Most people are familiar with the saying, “We marry our mothers (or fathers).” What this means is we seek a partner who exhibits certain character traits with which we are comfortable. Remember, comfortable doesn’t necessarily mean positive. Many people find themselves involved in relationships with people who provide a sense of security, even when the relationship is very destructive. The flip-side to this example is seeking character traits in a partner that are familiar, secure, and very positive.

Career choices
Some tasks seem to come naturally to certain people. This often has a lot to do with scripting. When we are exposed to something regularly, we will understand it much better. This includes acquiring skills that seem extremely difficult to develop. Being exposed to something isn’t a guarantee we will prefer it, but it certainly predisposes someone to develop this preference.

In scripting, our actions stem from an emotional reaction. When there is a negative scripting pattern in our lives, we have emotions connected to it. For example, if someone grew up in a home where there was a lot of yelling, the same person may react emotionally to loud voices or shouting. The emotional reaction may never change, but the response certainly can. Changing our responses is how we can make powerful changes in our lives.
People become victims to their scripting when they allow their feelings to control what they do. Emotional reactions are often irrational and create many problems in relationships. Once an emotional reaction takes place, the people we are interacting with will generally react emotionally as well. As a result of an emotional exchange, we wind up saying things we don’t necessarily mean, and everyone involved walks away with hurt feelings. If we are emotional, it is best to pause and think about our response.

When we are able to separate our emotions from our actions, we take back our personal power.

Once we take back our personal power, we start to form more joyful definitions of success and happiness because these definitions will no longer be based solely on familiarity. When we form joyful definitions of success and happiness, we begin to choose more positive relationships.

Photo credit:lickyoats via Flickr

Tell Me What You Think

I would love to hear your opinions on a couple of questions. Comment and read other’s comments. 

  1. What quality is MOST important to you in a spouse?
  2. What quality do you believe is most important to nurture in children?
  3.  Which of your relationships provides insight into your definition of happiness?
  4. What defines success for you TODAY?

To help out, here are my answers:

  1. Honesty
  2. clear and compassionate communication skills
  3. my relationships at home
  4. mental clarity

Have fun and feel free to share this with others!

Drop the Agenda, Grumpy Guy

Disneyworld bills itself as “the happiest place on earth.” For many of us who visit Disneyworld, that statement rings true. The sounds of laughter, the scent of funnel cake and popcorn, and the excited expressions on children’s faces combine to create a magical atmosphere. Why is it that some people can’t help but to sabotage what may be the most rewarding time of their family’s life?

Some people are so self-centered that their agenda takes precedence over fun and relaxation. I agree that having a plan is important. It can provide a road map with which to organize activities for everyone to enjoy. However if the person making the plan lacks flexibility it is a recipe for disaster.

Think about the tight-jawed, red faced man wearing the obligatory Grumpy t-shirt with his concerned looking wife and silent children following close behind.  His intense gait lets you know that he is on a mission. Although the tightly gripped map in his right hand is crumpled and wet, it is still legible. No time to look through the Mickey Mouse gift shop, he has Fast Passes for the new ride and by God he won’t miss his time. He’s the guy that will periodically TELL his family how much fun they are having while ignoring the expressions on their faces which tell a very different story.

Did you grow up with this guy? Are you this guy? Does anyone like this guy? Hell no, nobody likes this guy. People get as far away from him as quickly as possible. He is a drag. There are some very easy ways to make sure that you are never that guy. By the way ladies, you can be that guy, too. 

  • When making plans, leave room for flexibility
  • Understand why you are where you are. For example, if you are somewhere with your kids, their agenda should always come first. This isn’t at the expense of your fun and happiness, this is your fun and happiness
  • Along the lines of planning with flexibility, be willing to adapt to the conditions in which you find yourself. It may rain. The show may get cancelled. The people you are with may decide what you are doing sucks. Adapt and you will maintain peace of mind
  • Finally, and this is extremely important, lose the Grumpy t-shirt. It’s not funny. It’s hackneyed.If you are an asshole you certainly don’t need a t-shirt to prove it.

By dropping or adjusting your agenda you leave room for fun and joy. Hopefully that is why you are planning your activity to begin with. Enjoy the people you are around and be someone others enjoy.