fear

Does Intimacy Scare You? Three Simple Tools To End Isolation

The biggest challenge facing people in establishing intimacy is having the willingness to let go of what no longer serves them: fear being the most powerful. If someone actually realizes no one wants to be around him, the solution is to take a look within and begin the process of letting go of the perceptions, ideas, and fears creating the isolation. Isolation is scary, and nothing breaks the human spirit faster. There is a reason prisons use isolation as a means of punishing inmates who break the prison rules. When a person who already feels isolated is left alone with his thoughts, regrets, and fears, he will reach a state of hopelessness.

Anyone is capable of reaching a state of openness and vulnerability.When a person has a desire to connect with others, he can then find the courage to begin taking a look at the blocks standing in his way. He will seek out people who can help him change his perceptions and preconceived judgments. He can discover what is truly important and begin to build a life based on the solid foundation of these principles. Intimacy will begin to become more of a natural state of being rather than something avoided. Finally, he can realize that through every intimate relationship formed, he becomes more and more capable of achieving the life of his dreams.

  • People remain stuck in a pattern of unhappiness when they are slaves to their fears.
  • A key to responding positively to fear is establishing clear communication.
  • A major challenge in establishing intimacy is learning to let go of fearful thinking.

A simple exercise to begin the process of letting go of fears that negatively affect relationships includes:

  1. List five fears you know have affected your relationships
  2. List five fearful behaviors you have changed and the effect this has had on your relationships. If you can’t think of any, list some fearful behaviors you want to change.
  3. Commit to letting go of at least one irrational fear you have held on to. Begin the process of letting go of this fear immediately. Consult with someone to devise a plan of action.

These simple tools can make a tremendous difference in anyone’s ability to establish closer relationships. It is possible to break the cycle of loneliness and isolation. These tools can be a powerful beginning.

Are Your Fears Running Your Life? How To Respond Instead Of React

People learn to either respond to or react to fears. When someone reacts to his fears, he generally expects something to go dreadfully wrong, and as a result may lash out at the people around him. The most common reaction to fear is anger. Because this reaction is typical, it is often accepted as being o.k. Anger isn’t inherently bad, but it is important to see it for what it is. Anger is a reaction to fear or hurt.

If someone only focuses on anger, rather than dealing with what is causing an angry reaction, a negative pattern is left unresolved. Only looking at symptoms doesn’t create real and lasting change.

In a routine physical, one of the first things the doctor does is the reflex test. The doctor takes the rubber mallet and gently raps the knee. The leg instinctively kicks out as a reaction to this strike. If the doctor is standing in front he may take a direct kick as a result of this reaction. How the reflexes respond gives the doctor some insight into a person’s overall condition. If something is wrong, the doctor will take the opportunity to see if there is a more serious problem.

When people hold onto a high level of fear, most of their perceptions are illogical; and they find it difficult to find people they can trust. In fact, they find people to be generally untrustworthy; therefore, they continue to attract people into their lives that reinforce this belief. They are on the whole unhappy and feel lonely. In order to be removed from this cycle of reaction:

  • a person must recognize that living in a constant state of fearful neurosis perpetuates loneliness
  • it is vital to realize anger hinders the ability to connect with anything positive. This includes people, places, and joyful experiences
  • there must be a desire to create a more positive outlook

It is possible to develop positive techniques to deal with anger. It begins with a sincere desire to change. When someone decides to make this transition the first steps toward a solution have already been made.

Photo Credit:Svadilfari via: Flickr

Me, Scared?

The following post is taken from my upcoming book: Connected: The Art of Building Relationships. Connected is the updated edition of Relationships for the Intimately Challenged.

A grandiose ego is a common defense mechanism used to mask fear. When someone is insecure and has a fundamental fear around people, an easy way to keep others at arm’s length is to give the illu­sion of confidence through ego. For example, someone who is talented may not feel grateful for his ability or feel good about himself just because he is able to perform certain tasks well. He only responds to the adulation of others; and when he doesn’t receive this needed praise, he be­comes louder and angrier in order to gain at­tention.

How many prima donna professional athletes and entertainers fit this description? The sad reality is that these individuals are never able to fully appreciate or celebrate their talents in a meaningful way because they never allow themselves to completely share their gifts with others. They exist with a constant pressure to per­form. Therefore, everything they do is moti­vated by fear. Fear that if they somehow lose their ability, people will no longer love them. Fear that people are only there because of something (usually money) they can pro­vide.

This phenomenon is not limited to ath­letes and entertainers. We see these charac­teristics in people in all walks of life. Show me a tyrannical father at home, and I will show you a scared insecure man who only feels whole when he controls others. Employers who micro-manage also suffer from the same inse­curity and fear of people. It is expressed by forcing others to believe they are inferior and cannot adequately do their job without the constant supervision of the boss. Finally, parents who force their children to perform for them or other adults live in a per­petual state of fear. These children are per­ceived as extensions of the parents and must earn the parents’ praise.

Another way we manifest fear is through guilt. We look at past actions (be­cause of either embarrassment or retribution from others) and attempt to protect ourselves. Even though the intention is to keep himself safe, the person who holds on to guilt only accom­plishes isolation. Although this person may convince himself that people stay around him be­cause he is loved, deep inside he believes the only reason people are still around is because of a flawed sense of loyalty or pity.

The guilty person is extremely ma­nipulative. She is constantly trying to be helpful, but the people being “helped” only become resentful. The guilty person convinces herself she is “needed” so she will never be alone. Unfortunately, she may never feel a true sense of connection to others.

Ultimately, any of these manifestations of fear, anger, superiority, grandiosity, and guilt lead to the core belief: a fear of being alone. When people try to side step these issues, they stop themselves from deal­ing with what is ultimately the problem. We as human beings are social creatures. So much of what we do is motivated by a need to feel a sense of community and connection.

We all want to be loved and understood.

Many of us have spent much of our lives being slaves to our scripting and fears and therefore don’t know where to begin to feel fulfilled emotionally. When we are able to recognize the ways that we are “intimately challenged” we start down the path of finding some solu­tions. Those that stay in denial of their fears remain stuck in isolation.

As we are able to clearly see the difference between our definitions of success, happiness, intimacy, and relationships as opposed to those definitions that are simply conditioned reactions, we are able to take more responsibility for our lives. As we take more responsibility for our lives, our relationships become closer.