intimacy

Does Intimacy Scare You? Three Simple Tools To End Isolation

The biggest challenge facing people in establishing intimacy is having the willingness to let go of what no longer serves them: fear being the most powerful. If someone actually realizes no one wants to be around him, the solution is to take a look within and begin the process of letting go of the perceptions, ideas, and fears creating the isolation. Isolation is scary, and nothing breaks the human spirit faster. There is a reason prisons use isolation as a means of punishing inmates who break the prison rules. When a person who already feels isolated is left alone with his thoughts, regrets, and fears, he will reach a state of hopelessness.

Anyone is capable of reaching a state of openness and vulnerability.When a person has a desire to connect with others, he can then find the courage to begin taking a look at the blocks standing in his way. He will seek out people who can help him change his perceptions and preconceived judgments. He can discover what is truly important and begin to build a life based on the solid foundation of these principles. Intimacy will begin to become more of a natural state of being rather than something avoided. Finally, he can realize that through every intimate relationship formed, he becomes more and more capable of achieving the life of his dreams.

  • People remain stuck in a pattern of unhappiness when they are slaves to their fears.
  • A key to responding positively to fear is establishing clear communication.
  • A major challenge in establishing intimacy is learning to let go of fearful thinking.

A simple exercise to begin the process of letting go of fears that negatively affect relationships includes:

  1. List five fears you know have affected your relationships
  2. List five fearful behaviors you have changed and the effect this has had on your relationships. If you can’t think of any, list some fearful behaviors you want to change.
  3. Commit to letting go of at least one irrational fear you have held on to. Begin the process of letting go of this fear immediately. Consult with someone to devise a plan of action.

These simple tools can make a tremendous difference in anyone’s ability to establish closer relationships. It is possible to break the cycle of loneliness and isolation. These tools can be a powerful beginning.

Me, Scared?

The following post is taken from my upcoming book: Connected: The Art of Building Relationships. Connected is the updated edition of Relationships for the Intimately Challenged.

A grandiose ego is a common defense mechanism used to mask fear. When someone is insecure and has a fundamental fear around people, an easy way to keep others at arm’s length is to give the illu­sion of confidence through ego. For example, someone who is talented may not feel grateful for his ability or feel good about himself just because he is able to perform certain tasks well. He only responds to the adulation of others; and when he doesn’t receive this needed praise, he be­comes louder and angrier in order to gain at­tention.

How many prima donna professional athletes and entertainers fit this description? The sad reality is that these individuals are never able to fully appreciate or celebrate their talents in a meaningful way because they never allow themselves to completely share their gifts with others. They exist with a constant pressure to per­form. Therefore, everything they do is moti­vated by fear. Fear that if they somehow lose their ability, people will no longer love them. Fear that people are only there because of something (usually money) they can pro­vide.

This phenomenon is not limited to ath­letes and entertainers. We see these charac­teristics in people in all walks of life. Show me a tyrannical father at home, and I will show you a scared insecure man who only feels whole when he controls others. Employers who micro-manage also suffer from the same inse­curity and fear of people. It is expressed by forcing others to believe they are inferior and cannot adequately do their job without the constant supervision of the boss. Finally, parents who force their children to perform for them or other adults live in a per­petual state of fear. These children are per­ceived as extensions of the parents and must earn the parents’ praise.

Another way we manifest fear is through guilt. We look at past actions (be­cause of either embarrassment or retribution from others) and attempt to protect ourselves. Even though the intention is to keep himself safe, the person who holds on to guilt only accom­plishes isolation. Although this person may convince himself that people stay around him be­cause he is loved, deep inside he believes the only reason people are still around is because of a flawed sense of loyalty or pity.

The guilty person is extremely ma­nipulative. She is constantly trying to be helpful, but the people being “helped” only become resentful. The guilty person convinces herself she is “needed” so she will never be alone. Unfortunately, she may never feel a true sense of connection to others.

Ultimately, any of these manifestations of fear, anger, superiority, grandiosity, and guilt lead to the core belief: a fear of being alone. When people try to side step these issues, they stop themselves from deal­ing with what is ultimately the problem. We as human beings are social creatures. So much of what we do is motivated by a need to feel a sense of community and connection.

We all want to be loved and understood.

Many of us have spent much of our lives being slaves to our scripting and fears and therefore don’t know where to begin to feel fulfilled emotionally. When we are able to recognize the ways that we are “intimately challenged” we start down the path of finding some solu­tions. Those that stay in denial of their fears remain stuck in isolation.

As we are able to clearly see the difference between our definitions of success, happiness, intimacy, and relationships as opposed to those definitions that are simply conditioned reactions, we are able to take more responsibility for our lives. As we take more responsibility for our lives, our relationships become closer.

Intimacy and Connection

“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.”
~ Gary Shandling

When most people hear the word intimacy they conjure up images of adults in “adult situations.” Because of the sexual connotation of the word intimacy, it can be difficult to engage someone in a conversation on this topic without becoming at least mildly uncomfortable. So let’s start by clarifying what I’m talking about when I refer to intimacy. I like to define intimacy as:

closeness and familiarity; closeness that comes as a result of having the courage to be completely engaged and connected

But how do we become completely engaged and connected in a relationship? It starts with a better understanding of ourselves.
Many people today have grown up in families with varying degrees of dysfunction. Whether due to alcoholism, drug addiction, neglect, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, or sheer coldness, many of us have been exposed to factors that have left us in a state of self-protection. In spite of these factors, many people are able to let go of their pasts and move forward in their lives by building close and intimate relationships firmly rooted in trust and love.
They are able to do this by realizing that they are not slaves to their family’s behavioral patterns or genetic pre-dispositions. Although these patterns and predispositions clearly have an effect on an individual’s behavior, they are not the only determining factors. They get to a point of finding their own definitions of success and happiness and begin surrounding themselves with people who support them in their decisions. Once you let go of your past, you too, will be able to identify the differences between what is a negative pattern or predisposition and what you want in the here and now.

Here are some simple things you can do to improve the level of intimacy in all your relationships:

  • Clarify your definition of happiness. Don’t borrow someone else’s, find your own
  • Write down the significant relationships in your life and determine whether they support this definition of happiness
  • If you decide a relationship doesn’t support you, deduce what changes you can make to alter the nature of the relationship

Remember that the level of intimacy in your life is predicated on your willingness to be open. A fear of intimacy is often created by circumstances out of your control, but you can seek help to resolve these issues whenever you choose. Intimacy and connection go hand in hand. As you become more open, the joy and happiness you experience will increase exponentially.