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Do Your Children Communicate Clearly? How To Help Positive Communication

May 19th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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What is one of the most important skills human beings develop? It is the ability to communicate. People  first learn to communicate at home. When a parent’s priorities are centered on building a loving relationship with his child, he works to set up an environment conducive to everyone feeling safe to express themselves openly and honestly.

Often the adults in a household have the freedom to scream, holler, rant, and rave; but when their child so much as raises her voice, she is punished.


Consider the mixed message sent to the child. An adult has the right to express his or her emotions in any way seen fit; but a child is worth less than an adult, therefore, she must learn to behave herself and be quiet.

The parent rationalizes this with the idea he is teaching his child respect or discipline. The parent is probably living out of his own negative family scripting.

He is teaching his child a very dangerous coping mechanism, how to misplace her emotions. The child is upset or angry, but is told she cannot express her feelings. No matter what the child was upset about initially, her anger will be directed at her parents. This misplaced anger will be manifested in some way, shape, or form. No human being is able to bottle up feelings and maintain any semblance of mental or emotional well-being. These emotions come out at some point.

• A key to ending negative scripting patterns within a family is to create a safe and loving environment.

• When the focus of parenting is on the relationship it is easier to avoid unrealistic expectations.

  • A child’s feelings are as real and powerful as an adult’s; they should not be discounted.

Three Tips To Encourage Positive Communication With Children

  1. Remember children’s feelings are as powerful as adults but kids lack the same coping skills
  2. Children who are free to express emotions at home are less likely to act out away from home, provide them with a safe place to vent their feelings
  3. Support children, don’t try to change the way they feel

Emotions aren’t right or wrong. When children have the freedom to talk about their feelings they will, most likely, talk. Adults should remain aware to not judge a child’s emotions, the child will process the feelings if given the chance.

Photo Credit: Kris Hoet via: Flickr

What Other Parents And Parenting Experts Can’t Tell You About Your Child

May 12th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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An easy trap for parents to fall into is the unrealistic expectation of perfection. Parents are conditioned to believe they should be equipped to handle any problem their children might have. Parents become convinced that there shouldn’t be a question they are unable to answer. Many read the testimonials of other parents, or of parenting experts, and immediately feel inadequate if their children aren’t living up to what are considered normal developmental standards.

In reality, parenting is subjective. Despite numerous sources from which ways of thinking or philosophies are gleaned, how an individual chooses to parent is primarily dictated by the personalities of the children being parented.

Rather than trying to fit perfectly within a particular parenting philosophy,one could make an effort to learn from as many resources as possible. That doesn’t mean change on a whim; it means to be in a position to respond to children’s ever-changing needs.

Paying too much attention to “normal” developmental stages puts an unnecessary amount of pressure on the parent and the child. It is important to keep in mind that children want to be close to their parents. They have a sincere desire to please their care-givers.

Sometimes this desire to please becomes a struggle for independence because children want to prove they are able to take care of themselves. If a parent is able to keep this in mind there will be less of a need to control the child’s behavior to fit a chosen parenting philosophy.

Far too often what gets lost in the minutiae of parenting is the relationship between the parent and the child. There are many ways to gauge whether or not this is happening. Some questions include:

• Does a lot of energy get spent trying to make sure the child fits the “normal” developmental standards?

• Is there an attempt to strictly adhere to any one parenting philosophy?

• Are expectations based on the personality of the child or on what others say should be expected of the child?

The parent-child relationship can feel very complicated at times. One way to facilitate a harmonious and productive relationship is for the parent to deal with his own emotions first. When able to do this, the urge to control the behavior of someone else is greatly reduced. This is easier said than done in a lot of cases, but it is certainly an ideal worth shooting for.
Photo: © Copyright Adrian Bailey and
licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence.

On the Topic of Parenting….

Jul 3rd, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
1 comment

An easy trap for parents to fall into is the unrealistic expectation of perfection. We are conditioned to believe we should be equipped to handle any problems our children might have. We convince ourselves there shouldn’t be a question we are unable to answer. We read the testimonials of other parents or of parenting experts and immediately feel inadequate if our children aren’t living up to those written standards.

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In reality, parenting is subjective. Despite numerous sources from which we can glean ways of thinking or philosophies, how we parent is primarily dictated by the personalities of our children and ourselves.
Rather than trying to fit perfectly within a particular parenting philosophy, make an effort to learn from as many resources as possible. I don’t mean change on a whim; I mean put yourself in a position to respond to your children’s ever-changing needs.
Paying too much attention to “normal” developmental stages puts an unnecessary amount of pressure on you and your children. Always keep in mind that your children want to be close to you. They want to please you.
Sometimes this desire to please becomes a struggle for independence because children want to prove they are able to take care of themselves. If I, as a parent, keep this in mind then I will feel less of a need to control my daughter’s behavior to fit my chosen parenting philosophy.
Far too often what gets lost in the minutiae of parenting is the relationship between the parents and the child. There are many ways to gauge whether or not this is happening in your family. Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
•    Do I spend a lot of energy trying to make sure my child fits the “normal” developmental standards?
•    Do I try to strictly adhere to any one parenting philosophy?
•    Am I obsessed with the opinion of other people in regard to my child?
•    Do I try to limit things, such as video games and television?
•    Are my expectations based on the personality of my child or on what others say should be expected of my child?

Focus on the relationship first. The security created by this connection is what motivates people. The parent-child relationship can feel very complicated at times. One way to facilitate a harmonious and productive relationship is to deal with your emotions first. When you are able to do this, the urge to control the behavior of someone else is greatly reduced. I realize this is easier said than done in a lot of cases, but it is certainly an ideal we can all shoot for.

Have a wonderful holiday and enjoy your family!

I Turned Out O.K.

Dec 22nd, 2008
by Clint Stonebraker.
1 comment

In my book, Relationships for the Intimately Challenged, I discuss limiting beliefs that affect people’s relationships at length. One of the main points I get into is negative scripting patterns that families hold on to in order to maintain security and the status quo. These scripting patterns are made abundantly clear through the ways adults view children and child rearing.

One of the most common limiting beliefs, and justifications for the mis-treatment of children, is “That’s how I was raised and I turned out o.k.” First of all, kudos to anyone who is able to rise above environmental limitations in order to create a life which is wrought with success and happiness. People with this kind of transcendent nature are not the ones who use this statement. The”I turned out o.k.” defense is normally reserved for the angry and jealous power hungry adult who yearns for the glory days of yester year when the rod was not spared and the child was not spoiled. You know him(or her), they’re the people with the terminal scowl on their face, their nose ever so slightly turned to the air.

My problem with the “I turned out o.k.” mode of parenting is that anger is justified with “love.”  Emotionally irresponsible adults give themselves permission to act out angrily towards those who rely on them for security because children need to know “who’s in charge.” We all need the security of parameters, no doubt. However, to assume that children’s feelings are less important than those of adults is indeed dangerous.

We learn how to process emotions and respond appropriately as a result of experience in combination with guidance. Children who are raised in an environment in which their feelings are less valid than those of adults will find a way to be heard.If a child chooses this route it is rarely positive. My suggestion is to be in a position in which you are able and have a desire to communicate ( speak and listen) to your children. You will see far more results from clear communication than from adhering to the antiquated “because I’m the adult, that’s why” mentality.

With all due respect to those in denial, the world is a different place today. To pine for the values of generations past is a waste of time and energy. It is also squandering an opportunity to open yourself up to a world which is ever-changing. Younger generations respect older generations because of the wisdom and experience they share. It is not because of the older generations ability to enforce it’s will. Every generation believes the world was better way back when. It wasn’t. It was a time that helped to create the perception of a collective mind-set. One of the keys to effective and loving parenting is the ability to adapt to the world in which we live today.

Are They Pets or People?

Dec 2nd, 2008
by Clint Stonebraker.
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After reading this article on Saturday in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, I was reminded why there is still a market for the work that I do. I am amazed at the general disdain of children. There seems to be an obsessive attitude in regard to children being “normal” and “well-adjusted.” Time and time again parents are instructed to create adversarial dynamics in their relationships with children and the results speak for themselves. I have been in the drug and alcohol treatment business for over twenty years and I can say with a great deal of confidence that techniques used to create “well-adjusted” children have resulted in the widening of the gap within families. 

Whether the belief is “children are meant to be seen and not heard” or that “leadership is more important than the relationship,” broken belief systems destroy self-worth. When an adult attempts to present him- or herself as having all of the answers and he or she refuses to admit when they are wrong, they destroy the foundation of honesty and integrity. This is not effective leadership, it is lying. When a child is sent the message that his or her feelings, thoughts, or ideas are worth less than those of adults, he or she develops feelings of inadequacy. He or she will either lash out at authority figures later or be forever passive.

The bottom line is that human beings thrive in loving and open relationships. Families remain close as a result of clear and honest communication. As generations of self-centered, angry, and power mongering adults continue to abuse children through acts of physical violence and demeaning words, less people want to have children. Does a better world start at home? If so, rather than being fixated on your children being “well-adjusted” focus on their ability to be honest, have integrity, communicate clearly, and treat others with love. 

Radically Change

Sep 6th, 2008
by Clint Stonebraker.
1 comment

I am currently at the annual Live and Learn Conference in Black Mountain, North Carolina. Live and Learn is a conference my family and I have attended for the past four years. Through it we have made many valuable connections and gained vital validation for the direction we have chosen to  build our family. In case you were wondering, Live and Learn is a conference for families who adhere to a philosophy called “radical un-schooling.”

Without going into an entire explanation of radical un-schooling, which would be very subjective anyway, I am going to share a synopsis of my experiences at these conferences from an emotional and awareness based perspective. 

Wendy, my wife, and I discussed our philosophies in regard to child rearing long before our daughter was born. Neither one of us bought into the classically accepted educational practices that are common in our society and we wanted our daughter to know that she is an equal member of our family from day one. I combined both of these thoughts into one sentence for a reason. Our society has an obsession with catergorizing people, children in particular. A large part of this catergorization begins the first day a child steps into a classroom. From standardized tests to standardized lessons, people are taught to seek the status quo and “rise” to the level of normal. While this phenomenon is taking place children are also reminded daily that they are less important than the adults in their lives on all levels. Their thoughts, feelings, ideas, and desires are dismissed as childish whims or as a waste of valuable time. These messages are reinforced every time a child is reprimanded and told to be quiet or to leave adults alone.

It is unbelievable to me that people act confused as to how we have the societal problems we have. The values of creativity, compassion, and communication are sold out to the gods of compliance, status quo, and secret keeping. By the way, if you disagree with the secret keeping part ask yourself if you believe in the limiting, yet popular, belief of “it’s nobody’s business.” There are some simple solutions that begin at home. These solutions are simple to understand but hard to do. For many people it means challenging some belief systems that have existed for generations. However if your life is filled with acrimony and you are having a difficult time making connections with people, children in particular, keep reading.

  1. Love is a much more powerful influence than societal pressure. Simply stop and realize that no matter how badly you may desire the acceptance of society as a whole, you are surrounded by people who want what is best for you all of the time. If you truly believe this you will continue to attract more people to you who share this belief
  2. Life is not a race. It is neither a 50 yard dash or a marathon. Don’t you love hackneyed cliches? Although I understand what people are trying to explain with this statement, it is still a limiting belief. Life, as an experience, is not a competition of any variety. Live through love. Love through understanding. Understand through connecting. Catch my drift?
  3. Your mind is yours. Experience your life. Control, judgement, criticism, and complaining create jaded and lonely people. I have been all of these things before. It sucks. Joy and happiness are free to anyone who seeks them. If you are a negative person you have the power to change right now. It doesn’t matter what your process may be, you can change right now. What does it take? A decision. Decide that you want a life filled with laughter and love and it is yours. 

Radically un-learn. Many people have developed entire belief systems on lack and negativity. Always know that this is a choice. There is always someone who understands. There is always a way to change. There is always someone who loves you, even those who are convinced that they are unloveable.

Until next time…..