relationships

Are Relationships 50/50? How To Build Connections For Happiness

Sep 1st, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
No comments yet

The belief that relationships are 50/50 is based on the premise that a positive and productive relationship is formed where two people meet at a half-way point.This belief can be dangerous because responsibility for one’s happiness is placed on another person.

Another problem in a 50/50 dynamic is the possibility of someone “keeping score.” When this is the case one party may withhold affection or build a resentment due to feeling like the relationship is out of balance. There can be an unwritten rule that “you owe me one.” In order for a relationship to feel whole each party needs to be aware of his role.  An attitude of service is diminished when someone feels that the favor must be returned.

If people are dependent upon others to “complete” them, it can be difficult to feel emotionally balanced without people performing for their satisfaction.Although it can be painful when a positive deed is not reciprocated the spirit of helpfulness shouldn’t be based solely on the philosophy of quid pro quo.

Although some relationships begin as a result of one person’s needs and another person’s ability to meet those needs, it still requires 100 percent participation in order for the relationship to become positive. Once a person finds someone who can help, he begins to open himself up and communicate what his needs are. The person who is able to meet these needs then empowers the other to make any necessary changes in life to move forward and deal with that problem.

This is not a 50/50 proposition. It is as a result of each person giving 100 percent. Both involved parties begin therelationship with some specific individual goals. Each individual finds a level of compatibility with the person to whom they are attracted. The relationship is able to begin in a healthy way because of this understanding. Do you believe relationships are 50/50?

Are Relationships Hard? How To Remove Negativity From Responsibility

Aug 25th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
No comments yet

A fundamental belief is that relationships are “hard work” and involve “sacrifice and compromise.” While building connections on any level can be a challenge , these negative attitudes are prevalent in today’s society because many people struggle to take responsibility for their own situations. It has become increasingly more common for people to blame someone or something else for their plight in life.

Forming unions is harder when someone is unwilling to accept that his decisions, words, and actions have a ripple effect. All relationships involve two people coming together, therefore flexibility is critical. This doesn’t necessarily mean that there must be “hard work” in order for a relationship to be successful. If a bond is extremely difficult to maintain, it is possible it shouldn’t exist. Before making that determination, however, it is imperative to make an honest self-appraisal.

  • Taking responsibility for actions and words is key.
  • Relationships are always a reflection of a person’s current state of mind.
  • When someone feels conflict with another person, the first responsibility is to look within himself to determine whether he has somehow wronged the other person.
  • If he discovers that his actions have been clean, he can find comfort in the awareness that his behavior or attitude is not at the root of this conflict.

Continuing to attempt to engage another person in conversations about conflicts may perpetuate the problem. At that point it can be helpful to take a step back and allow the other person the freedom to work out whatever issues they may have.Most people want to be liked; so this can be challenging. The other person may not respond positively and the disagreement may not be solved. A few points that may be helpful include:

  • The only actions anyone can truly control are his own.
  • Building relationships can be complicated.
  • In order to build strong relationships one must take responsibility for his own actions.

With this perspective and responsibility the building and maintaining of relationships is more a challenge than a chore. Removing the fear makes the entire experience much more rewarding.

How To Keep Personal Power And End Self-Deception In Relationships

Jun 30th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
No comments yet

No one can make you feel anything. Your personal power can only be given away by you. No one can take it from you.  Every time you utter a statement that claims: he (she, they, or anything else) makes or made you feel a certain way, you have entered the world of self-deception. This is a pattern that can be stopped. In order to create a high level of happiness it is imperative to maintain personal power.

Change Your Mentality

Many are conditioned to play the victim role in relationships.  As a result of this self-defeating mentality, people find themselves living out negative patterns over and over again.  If you find yourself stuck in relationship patterns in which you feel your emotions are being controlled, there are a few things you can do to begin breaking the victim mentality.

  • Make a list of the relationships which bring up negative thoughts or feelings.
  • For each one, write a specific event that occurred within each relationship when you last felt stressed, angry or sad.
  • As you look at each item, determine where you gave your power to the other person.
  • Write down what you believe might have occurred if you stayed calm, confident and in your power.  How might it shift the dynamic within therelationship?
  • Develop a simple plan of action to begin your transformation towards a more positive non-victim role in each relationship on your list.

Your Power Is Yours

If a person has the power to “make” you feel a certain way, it is because you have given your power away. It can seem as if it is impossible to remove yourself from this dynamic. It isn’t. If you want this to change you must decide it is no longer acceptable to be in this emotionally submissive position.  Don’t blame other people for your emotional state. Be responsible for the condition of your relationships and enjoy the positive change towards living authentically… no matter who you are with!

Commit to Connection: How to Effectively Build Friendships With Meaning

Apr 28th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
No comments yet

Do you want your friendships to have more meaning? Do you have a desire to feel supported in reaching your goals? Then make a commitment to connect more effectively.


All things in life are enriched when we are able to share them. There is a tremendous amount of power in the connection made between two people. This power is increased when we are connected to many more people. In order to make these connections, we must be willing to make ourselves vulnerable. We must have a desire to be intimately involved in people’s lives. We must commit to removing whatever obstacles stand in our way.

Most people we meet will have some level of desire to be joyful and loving individuals.

What separates a person with this desire from someone who actually fulfills this desire is the commitment to change. This commitment creates action. Through taking positive action, our lives will change. Experiencing instant results from taking simple actions is extremely rewarding. There is no greater gratification than the feeling that comes from accomplishing a goal. What makes this feeling even sweeter is being able to share it with people who have a genuine concern for our well-being. The more meaningful friendships we are able to create and maintain, the deeper  joy is able to penetrate all levels of our being. Truly happy people seek opportunities to share the gifts they have been given. To be able to share knowledge and information creates a positive impact on large circles of people.

Any strong and meaningful friendship is built on the foundation of fun, genuine concern, and support. Friendships grow through shared experiences. They also enrich life because of the reinforcement ofconnection and commonality. Happiness isn’t determined by the number of friendships a person has, rather by the depth and quality of those relationships. It is dangerous to judge how connected someone is solely by the number of contacts in their database. Without shared goals, beliefs, or experiences there is no relationship. Forget about numbers, focus on connection.

Photo Credit by: by gerrygoal2008 via Flickr

Spring Clean Your Relationships: Simple Tools With Immediate Results

Apr 15th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
1 comment

Today begins “Spring Cleaning Your Relationships” month.Between now and Mother’s Day, I will be sharing some simple tips and tools based on spring cleaning basics to repair or enhance any relationship. These tips and tools will be here, on my Facebook page, my Twitter posts, my You Tube channel, and my Weekly Perspectives on clintstonebraker.com. I would love for all of you to participate, so please make comments, ask questions, or just read along.I will also be making several appearances around Atlanta beginning on April 21st at The Coffee Pot in Alpharetta, Georgia. You can view my current schedule at clintstonebraker.com.

The Premise

Basic spring cleaning techniques involve removing clutter, organizing, scrubbing and polishing. We all know, getting started is the hardest part, yet in the end, we usually feel a whole lot better about our environment and ourselves. It is possible to apply these same simple methods to improve our relationships. Any spouse, romantic partner, friend, family member, boss or employee can immediately improve the quality of their relationships by following these four spring-cleaning basics:

  • remove the clutter (identify limiting beliefs)
  • organize (acknowledge and prioritize your needs)
  • scrub what’s dirty (take responsibility for one’s own behavior)
  • polish everything (pay close attention to everyday interactions)

How It Will Work

My posts over the next month will have a little different focus each week.

  • Week 1 (next week) will focus on romance and marriage
  • Week 2 will focus on  friendship
  • Week 3 will focus on business/work relationships
  • Week 4 will focus on family relationships

Check in often and participate. I look forward to hearing from all of you as we strengthen our connecting skills and Spring Clean Our Relationships!

Get the Patch or Take the Pill: Simple Tools to Enhance Relationships

Apr 5th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
No comments yet

One great feature of any cruise is that there are several excursions available at  different ports of call.  In St. Maarten, Royal Caribbean offers one called Snuba. “Snuba” is basically diving that doesn’t require certification. A tank sits on a raft and there are several tubes coming out attached to breathing regulators. Each person gets a regulator and can dive up to 20 feet.

On the day my family decided to “snuba”, the sea was a little rough. My wife, Wendy,  has a tendency to get seasick and she had mentioned that fact several times. But she was ill-prepared. There are several methods to avoid sea-sickness but Wendy chose to ignore them all. As we rode out to the snorkel and snuba spot, the little boat started rocking. I watched as Wendy’s complexion changed from normal, to Casper the Friendly Ghostish, to a not so flattering Incredible Hulk green. There were others who were a bit worse, but Wendy had it pretty bad.

The point is that in any relationship there is always a solution. There is always something that can be done to insure everyone’s best interests are met. This can be as challenging as sitting down for hours to hash out an agreement; sometimes it is as simple as agreeing with the person sitting across from you. If people are willing to be patient and take the time to communicate and work together, a solution will be found. Even if the end result is the relationship coming to an end, with preparation and communication the solution settled upon will be best for all concerned.

For example, those who are doing well in the current economic climate are people who get themselves out of the worrisome, scarcity driven mind set and ask for help. People who seek solutions rather than wait for disaster to strike before taking action. The businesses in which people take the pill or put the patches behind their ear are experiencing more success because they are prepared and take preventative measures. Individuals who are motivated by moving forward and creating relationships based in love and positivity find people who support their success. They are driven by solutions more than they are driven by fear.

Keep yourself prepared, that’s what “Get the Patch or Take the Pill” means. Just like Wendy could have easily avoided becoming sea sick, any person or business can steer clear of unnecessary conflict by taking simple measures:

  • Be clear about your definition of success and happiness
  • Make it a priority to surround yourself with people who support you and provide you with accountability
  • Evaluate your relationships regularly

Creating happy and joyful partnerships isn’t always as daunting a process as it seems. Most of the time it simply takes clarity,commitment, and flexibility. When situations are more complex, having a positive attitude can make the difference in how quickly a resolution is found. Your mind-set is something over which you always have control.


Be Prepared for the Death Spiral

Mar 26th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
No comments yet

Photo by: Just Ree via Flickr

Have you ever been ice skating in the Caribbean…. on a boat? A feature of the Royal Caribbean Liberty ship is an ice skating rink.Skating on this vessel was as odd an experience as it sounds. To feel the boat sway, just a little bit, while skating around this tiny little rink is something I think everyone should experience at least once.

One purpose of the rink was to hold an ice show. Around the ice rink was a tiny auditorium. As the show started I remember thinking, this is a tiny little rink, yet these skaters are gliding along, jumping, and spinning as if they were on a full size sheet of ice at Madison Square Garden. I was impressed with the skaters’ ability to maintain their balance and perform gracefully.

One of the skaters who stood out was a huge bald guy.  Of course, he was the main performer.He tossed  the female skaters around with no problem. At the climax of the show, the star was featured in a pair’s routine with a tiny female skater. They were darting around the ice, he was throwing her up and catching her, it was great to watch. At the end of their routine, however, I saw something I was not prepared for at all.

The Death Spiral

They maneuvered to the far side of the rink and as the star skater picked up this petite, little woman, he began to spin. The faster he spun, the faster she spun. I was convinced her head was going to slam into the ice and I would have to witness this horrible, violent event with my ten year old daughter. Fortunately, the routine ended, the skaters returned to their positions unscathed, and the audience was left cheering and in awe. Later, my wife excitedly said, “They did a death spiral?! I can’t believe I missed it! That’s awesome!” That wasn’t exactly my reaction.Photo by: Daniskates via Flickr

The Skaters Explanation

The next day on a tender boat from an excursion we happened to sit next to the skaters I had seen the day before doing the routine! I had to ask them about the death spiral. He called it “The Skull Cracker”, by the way. I was in awe about it, yet the skaters seemed so non-chalant. It turns out they have been skating together for eighteen years and are also married. They have built a lot of trust. I said to the male skater, “It’s a good thing you’re as strong as you are.” He responded, without a hint of false modesty, “Her strength is as important as mine. In order to keep her body as straight as she does above the ice has nothing to do with me, it’s all her strength.”

Applied to Relationships

Think about that in a relationship context. In a healthy  relationship you absolutely need trust. You also need mutuality. Everyone’s best interests must be kept in mind, if not someone feels taken advantage of and trust is destroyed. A successful relationship requires strength on both sides. There are unexpected challenges that arise which will need both parties to remain strong and committed. For the skater to not slam her head into the ice she had to have trust, mutuality, strength, and commitment. She had to know her husband had those characteristics as well. If either wavered, it would be disastrous. The same is true in your  relationships:

  • Be committed
  • Build trust
  • Know your strengths

Maintain these characteristics and you will always be prepared for the death spiral.

You Vill Get On Zee Board!

Mar 19th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
No comments yet

Photo by: jennifer_wilkinson via Flickr

One of my absolute favorite experiences on a cruise I went on last year was a surfing/boogie board simulator called the Flow Rider. On the Flow Rider the water is coming out at 35MPH which makes it easy to glide along on your boogie board. The person operating the ride was a big athletic guy with a thick accent. My wife and I called him the Arnold Schwarzenegger of the Flow Rider. He wasn’t as concerned about the time it took for people to get on the board as he was about people actually getting on the board.

Some of the younger kids, as you can imagine, just hopped up like it was nothing, but some people, like me, needed some guidance and coaching. Hearing “You Vill Get On Zee Board” was very reassuring. It was clear he meant what he said. There was little doubt he would do his part to make it happen.

His attitude is the essence of this technique:

Be aware of the value you bring to the relationship.

  • “Arnold” exuded confidence. He knew what he was doing, and as a result it was easy to have confidence in him.
  • He brought value in the form of being knowledgeable about the equipment, experience in being able to teach people how to have fun on the ride, and his physical presence which made you feel he could take care of you if something went wrong.

In any  relationship you are bringing something of value to the table. When you know this as fact, whomever you’re interacting with will be aware of your value and the relationship is more likely to be positive. Be like “Arnold.” Be confident in who you are and what you do,  and you’ll get people on the boogie board.

Don’t Get Caught Buck Naked (or Nekkid)

Mar 9th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
1 comment

“Don’t Get Caught Buck Naked.” Sounds like some pretty sound relationship advice, doesn’t it? In fact, this tool is effective in just about any relationship you can conceive; professional, friendship, parent to child, child to parent, or (unfortunately) some marriages and romances. I learned this valuable lesson, and how to apply this technique in relationships, through an embarrassing and avoidable situation.

How We Got There

In March of 2009  I went on a cruise with my in-laws Bob and Joy,my wife, and daughter. We had adjacent staterooms so we asked the attendant to open the divider between our balconies in order to have a mega-balcony for everyone to enjoy. This set up worked out great with the exception of one unfavorable encounter.

The Situation

When I get dressed I tend to take my time and dawdle a bit. This is especially true if I’m going to be wearing a suit. On one of the formal nights I had the room to myself and was just out of the shower. I took advantage of the opportunity to take my time and air dry. There I was, walking around buck naked not even considering the possibility of someone walking by the sliding glass door. I didn’t look to see if the blinds were closed. The last thing I expected to see was Bob standing at the door, frozen in place. But that is precisely what I saw. As our eyes locked, I realized the current physical state I was in.  I suddenly became conscious of the situation and immediately dropped to the floor yelling “Naked!” as he turned his back to the door.

The Lesson Learned

Of course, we never spoke of this again but I was able to learn some valuable lessons.

  1. In  any relationship, clear and honest communication is critical. The only way another human being can be aware of our wants, needs, or our boundaries is to be clear in our communication. Had I communicated clearly to my in-laws that they may want to knock before popping in front of our door, we could have avoided an embarrassing situation.
  2. If you are up front and clear with people you engage on any level, there are no misunderstandings.
  3. To have successful  relationships you must know where your partner stands and what is important to them.

For any relationship to work, the lines of communication must be wide open. This can’t be a one-way street. Both sides need to be open and both sides must listen. That way no one gets caught buck-naked.

Three Techniques To Improve Listening Skills: Listen to Connect

Feb 23rd, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
No comments yet

There is a time and a place to share your opinions. You have developed your perspectives from the many experiences you have gathered throughout your life. The lessons you have learned allow you to be of service to others who may benefit from your knowledge. In order to impart this information effectively, you must first be able to listen.

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”

~ Ralph Nichols

I am willing to bet you have never gotten into trouble for listening too much! In fact, your ability to be consciously attentive is what enables you to connect with those you love on a much deeper level. When you take the time to truly listen to whoever is speaking to you, the necessary response (if any) becomes clearer. Clarity is created for both of you when you are present for someone who needs to talk.

Connections are more easily made by effective listening

Techniques to improve listening:

  • Make eye contact, or if you are on the phone, turn off the TV, computer and take time out during your conversation to give your full attention.
  • Don’t try to “read between the lines.” If you aren’t sure about something, ask for clarity. Curiosity can create clarity for both of you.
  • Let go of any judgment you may have about the conversation. See it as an opportunity to connect with another person, instead of a debate.

Listening is a skill to practice. It can be difficult at first, so go easy on yourself. Just keep practicing because if close connections are a priority for you, it is definitely something worth doing well.

Photo by: bisgovuk via: Flickr

← Earlier Posts