change

Let Go Of Fear: How To Gain Power Over Emotion

Oct 27th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Fear is a very powerful emotion. In fact, some say fear is the primary motivator in many people’s lives. Because of the prevalence of this common state it is important to be aware of its potential effects.Two of the most dangerous characteristics born out of anxiety of any kind are self-centeredness and arrogance.

The Power Of Fixation

When a person allows his angst to consume his life, he traps himself into the position of thinking about and talking about what he is afraid of as often as possible. The people around him are held hostage by these constant conversations. He may become so consumed by his phobias that he builds protective walls around himself .These barriers usually consist of  self-righteous opinions and assertions that confuse those around him.

Whether a person becomes self-centered or arrogant as a result of his fears, the end result is the same: he will have a complete lack of intimacy in his life.

Learn To Respond

When you go in for a routine physical, a common experience is the reflex test. The doctor takes the rubber mallet and gently raps the knee. The leg instinctively kicks out as a reaction to this strike. If the doctor is standing in front he may take a direct kick as a result of this reaction.The result is similar when you react to  fear. There is an innate expectation for something to go dreadfully wrong and as a result, you may lash out at the people around you. The most common reaction to fear is anger. When you react out of anger, you generally say or do something you later regret. Some attitudes have developed after years of repeated actions. After much repetition these reactions become ingrained. People in your life are subject to emotional backlash.

Live In The Solution

Becoming aware of patterns of negative compensation for emotional instability is half the battle. The priority then becomes developing a plan of action to change. When you are able to act in a more positive manner you have the power to let go of any emotion. Seek the help and guidance of someone who can provide you with simple solutions. As you change what you do your emotions will follow suit. With consistency and practice you will gain confidence and see change in your relationships and other areas of your life.

Remove The Clutter From Relationships:How To Release Negative Patterns

Oct 20th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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In any relationship, the process of removing clutter starts within. It begins by identifying limiting beliefs and perceptions that no longer serve a useful purpose. These beliefs and perceptions may manifest in the form of scriptsthat have been handed down for generations. It is possible to suddenly realize negative relationship patterns in several areas that have been present for years.

When these patterns become evident, there may be a feeling akin to being cluttered. The thought of a specific person may create an immediate reaction of anxiety.  There may be a situation that needs to be addressed directly, but the prospect of candid communication is terrifying.This can be an indicator of limiting beliefs manifesting in relationships.

Removing the clutter allows you to determine which relationships fall into which category. With a quick assessment you may realize that there are negative patterns of behavior that you’ve wanted to change all along.  You may also discover that there are destructive relationships you’ve wanted to end.  However, you’re not going to know that until you stop for long enough to do an accurate assessment.  Some of these take a simple decision to change, followed by a plan of action. If you were cleaning your garage you would notice items out of place along with things you just want to get rid of. See box; remove box.  Discover C-clamp; place on shelf.The same is true when taking inventory of relationships.  Some may require more effort and extra help, but the willingness to take an honest look gets you started. Relationships are like spring cleaning in that once you have a plan and begin putting in the work, it flows.  Your confidence builds.  Your self-esteem builds.  You see some changes go on in your life.

It is possible to stop tripping over the emotional boxes in your life.  There will be relationships you rediscover andconnections that will be strengthened.  You will be able to finally deal with  toxic relationships that take up unwanted space in your head.  You will be open to more possibilities.  Removing the clutter creates the space needed to welcome what’s new and possible in your life. You’ll be amazed, as you remove the clutter, what opportunities begin to show up.

How Do You React To Your Emotions? How To Change Repeated Actions

Sep 22nd, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Most of the time the ways people react to emotions follow a pattern.These patterns create habits. For example, when someone reacts to hurt or fear by becoming angry, the anger becomes habitual. The repeated actions form the custom. In order for real change to take place, the emotions behind a reaction have to be resolved.Change often starts with movement. Eventually the heart and mind, or the thinking, emotions,and deeds, must agree for a pattern to be permanently altered.

Do Your Emotions Run The Show?

It is common to react to difficult situations by becoming emotional. However, we lose personal power when emotions are in control of what we say and do. When we are able to take a step back, allow emotions to calm, and apply logic, we are less likely to say or do something we will later regret. Thinking before speaking is a challenge for most. No one is perfect in this endeavor. However, it is an area in which we can all progress.

You Choose How The Past Serves You

As years pass we gain wisdom through experience. Many of these events can be scary. It is easy to focus on how difficult certain situations were but the knowledge accrued enables better navigation through life’s events. When we choose to wallow in self-pity, the opportunity to share experiences that may benefit others is lost. How we deal with challenges is a matter of choice and perspective. We all have the power to

change our words, actions, thoughts, and feelings. If you are taking responsibility for your life and your happiness, you will use whatever steps are necessary to change your thoughts, words, and actions. This means finding a personal definition of success and happiness. The person who’s no longer reacting is moving toward something.  What is it that you’re moving toward?  What is it that you’re after?

How To Navigate Through Times of Transition and Reorientation

Sep 15th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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The world is in a major time of transition. Many have trouble in figuring out how to navigate these phases. How disruptive it will be for you is determined by two things: the inherent importance of the change that triggers those disruptive times of reorientation; and whether these changes coincide with a developmental shift happening within you. If major changes happen around you at the same time there’s a developmental shift happening within you, any reorientation will be disruptive. If your inner change coincides with the reorientation outside of you, you will find it will be disruptive for the better.

Relationships are always structured by unspoken agreements, although people are seldom conscious of it.  For example, an unspoken agreement between a new employee and a more experienced employer is that the employer will communicate clearly with the new employee and counsel, coach and guide him through how to do his job well and progress in his career. Even though this is sometimes a spoken agreement, it is certainly assumed. When the employer doesn’t live up to this unspoken (or spoken) agreement all involved parties suffer. The company is less productive, the employer is angry due to unmet expectations and the new employee remains in a state of insecurity.

Although times of transition can feel insecure for individual and groups, it is a great time to reassess priorities. Take the time to ask yourself what is important to you and why. It may be helpful to write down your answers. This helps to see whether your life and relationships reflect your priorities. When applying this to an organization, write down whether the service your organization provides is reflecting its mission.

Once you have an accurate assessment it is possible to develop a simple plan of action. Once you begin taking action, you begin to change internally with the reorientation going on around you. When you change with the times, you create a more harmonious world both in and out. Best of all, it’s a much better ride!

Respond To Transitions: How To Adapt To Life’s Changes

Sep 8th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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How do you respond to transitions? Because you are in a constant state of renewal, it is important to be aware of how well you adapt.  In his book, Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes, William Bridges points out that transitions are comprised of an ending, a period of confusion and distress and a new beginning.

Everyone at some time in their life finds endings to be difficult. If you struggle with change, don’t worry. It is not a sign that you have some unusual problem that others don’t. There are many inspirational sayings designed to clarify that change, though necessary and survivable, is something we all struggle with. Transitions are uncomfortable, especially when they start with an ending.  The truth is, if you’re moving toward something new, you’re letting go of something else. The act of letting go, especially if a change is forced upon you, can be a difficult process.

Think about the child who deals with the divorce of his or her parents. It is a change that’s been forced upon him. Not only has the life he knows ended, he has zero power or control over that ending. The entire course of his life has been altered permanently and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Even if we haven’t been the child of divorce, we can all relate to the emotions involved in this kind of change. The feelings of powerlessness, anger, fear and hopelessness affect everyone at some point. These are common emotions that come with transitions created by outside circumstances.

The more adept you become at seeing the opportunities that change brings, the more positive those transitions of letting go will be. The more you are able to accept that moving toward something will end something else, the more welcoming you are of upcoming changes in your life.

Be Honest With Yourself: Your Responses Create Your Reality

Aug 18th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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To begin the process of self-discovery it is vital to recognize the areas of your life that need some direct attention. When you are able to be honest with yourself about what these areas are, you will begin to find the power to initiate change. Positive responses to awareness rely on the willingness to face whatever qualities may be hindering your personal growth and development. A common hurdle is believing other people have caused your life to be less than what you want.

The Danger Of Blaming Others

If you find yourself blaming others for your loneliness or if you are in constant conflict with other people, look closely and see whether you can be honest with yourself. Remember that it is impossible for anyone to control what you say or do. Realize it is only  you creating your problems. Your current situation, good or bad, is a result of a series of decisions you have made and actions you have taken. It is also a result of either negatively reacting or positively responding to your emotions. You are not a puppet on strings or a trained animal. Although past circumstances have a part to play in how you have developed, your reactions create your reality. Ultimately your life is yours to own.

Begin To Take Responsibility

In order to move away from the victim role it is important to pause and take a deeper look at how you may experience conflict in your relationships today. A simple exercise to find clarity may include:

  • Take inventory of those relationships creating conflict in your life.
  • Be honest about your part in this conflict. What can you change in order to feel balanced within these relationships?
  • As you make changes be aware of how much less you are concerned about the behavior of the other person.

It may not always feel like you have a choice as to how you react or respond, but you always do. Be patient with yourself and others. Take the time to think through how to best handle whatever situation you find yourself in. Ultimately you will find more peace and all of your relationships will benefit.

Simple Steps To Change Negative Patterns And Create Emotional Security

Jul 21st, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Wouldn’t it be relieving to know negative patterns of behavior could be changed? Most are afraid to make any kind of transformation due to the fear of the unknown. A feeling of emotional security can be created by staying within the status quo.  Many fight for predictability even though negative patterns can be created. Sometimes years fly by before we come to the realization that we are simply living the life expected of us, as opposed to seeking new experiences and awareness.  There is a degree of comfort in traditions and knowing that preceding generations have lived the same way.  This cyclical pattern affects all aspects of life, from a sense of self worth to the quality of relationships.

If you have become aware of yourself repeating negative patterns, there are some very simple steps you can take to create positive results:

  • Make a note of the pattern you want to change.
  • Write down several ways how this pattern manifests in your life.
  • Share this awareness with an objective person.
  • Make a simple plan of specific actions you can take to change your direction.

Involving the assistance of an objective person is critical. It is difficult to maintain any honest self-appraisal. It can be a challenge for anyone who is emotionally to close to your situation to offer direct and frank advice.  With the help of a trusted friend, coach or mentor, you will discover areas of your life you may not see on your own and you will establish accountability.  With this connection, you will feel empowered and more likely to make the real changes you desire. This outside perspective will remind you how far you have come and encourage you to keep moving forward.

So start today!   Begin to notice where you act without awareness. Observe situations in which you find yourself reacting in ways you do not like.  Choose to take the simple steps to begin a new chapter in your life.  One where you live the life you really want.

Tools For A Happy Life: Three Simple Steps to Change

Jun 23rd, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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I remember one major epiphany that impacted my entire life. It was the realization that I had the power to overcome my obstacles and participate in creating a life I truly desire. All of a sudden, it seemed so simple; I needed to take responsibility for myself, define success clearly for myself and build solid relationships with supportive people. Prior to this realization, I felt like a victim of my circumstances without the power to change it. After a series of self-inflicted misfortunes and countless attempts from others to reach out, I made the decision and created real change.

The three simple steps to start your journey towards change are:

Step 1: Take Responsibility

By taking responsibility for what we can change, we open ourselves up to numerous possibilities. If we focus on having been dealt a bad hand or what others have done to us, we stay grounded in dysfunction. It is impossible to move forward while we are weighed down by misfortune; real or perceived. Taking responsibility for our part in our journey, gives us the power to start the process of real growth.

Step 2: Find a Personal Definition of Success

Many of us get caught in the trap of comparing our definition of success to others. When we clarify success for ourselves, we build a life we will truly appreciate and enjoy. When we trust our personal definition, we no longer are we subject to the judgments and opinions of others. No one is on the exact same path, so be confident in yours.

Step 3: Build Relationships with People on a Similar Path

With this new found sense of responsibility and a sense of what success is, it is vital to find support. Relationships based on shared passions and enthusiasm, help us to grow. It is not healthy to stick around those who want us to stay the same forever. Having relationships with people on a similar path of growth allows us to remain humble and teachable.

These three important steps can be the key ingredients to a solid foundation for living. With the awareness of self-responsibility, our personal definition of success and finding healthy support systems, it is much easier to create and live a life of powerful change.

Stop Resisting Change: What We Can Learn From The Pioneers

Jun 16th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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You can stop resisting change. Although any transition is scary, the fear doesn’t have to lead to debilitating resistance. Change means a phase of  life is coming to an end. This can apply to a job, a scholastic career or a relationship. In order to step into what is new or possible, it is imperative to recognize what needs to be released  in order to continue progressing in life.

Lessons Of The Oregon Trail

For 25 years, between 1841 and 1866, people uprooted themselves and their entire lives to head west. Estimates range between 250,000 to 650,000 people, who made the trip along the Oregon Trail.  They were looking for new opportunities they heard about through the grapevine. People had heard stories about the successes others had experienced from Oregon to California, Utah to Colorado and Montana to Washington. They were inspired to take the same journey, hoping for better lives.

What they might not have taken into consideration was how difficult the journey would be or what they would have to let go of in order to get there. Many wanted to bring their entire lives along with them. They brought all the precious items that would remind them of the people and places they left behind – grandfather clocks, pianos, books, china and more. Along the journey, as they realized how weighted down they were with material things, the trail became littered with any items not considered crucial to survival.

In order to get over the mountains, these pioneers realized there was a lot they needed to let go of. They had to release what was comfortable and familiar to be successful in completing their journey. After all, when creating a new world and adapting to a new reality, that’s what it takes.

Let Go Of Old Belief Systems

When we are going through any transition, large or small, pay particular attention to what is difficult to let go of. Notice the thoughts that come to the surface. Just like the pioneers had to let go of pianos, grandfather clocks and pot belly stoves to make it through the mountains, we must let go of our old belief systems and modes of operation which are no longer effective.

Sometimes, we must close old doors to allow new doors to open in our lives.

Create Strong Relationships: How To Define The Life You Desire

Jun 9th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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In order to create strong relationships, it is vital to clearly define what kind of life you desire. You can decide to be a lonely, friendless and curmudgeonly old hermit who complains all of the time. If this isn’t the kind of life you want it is possible to change course at any time.

Chances are you want to lead a joyful, exciting, and fun life. You probably long to have relationships with people who can support you when needed and with whom you can share any triumphs you experience. A full life is at least partially defined by the relationships you have. One way to define success and happiness is by being able to fulfill and share your dreams and desires.

An important part of this definition is learning to create enough flexibility to change direction when it will benefit you and the people with whom you are involved. It is important to have principles and convictions to live by. It is equally important  to have the ability to differentiate between contrasting opinions and fundamental disagreements of principle.

When you compromise principles in order to have a relationship, a tremendous amount of energy can be wasted trying to convince the other person your opinions are right. When you form relationships with people you are emotionally compatible with, you can recognize differences in opinion without becoming angry. Your opinions, principles, and definitions of happiness have been formed through your life experiences. When these definitions are solid, there is less of a need to defend them. As a result of not being defensive, you will be much more open to the opinions of others. With this openness, you can attract people into your life with whom you can build strong relationships, even if you don’t agree on everything.You are also able to avoid potentially harmful relationships. You stay in touch with the only life you need to concern yourself with: your own.

Exercise

Make a wish list of the kind of life you want. How do you envision your relationships in five years? What steps could you take today to begin living that life?

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