letting go

Me, Scared?

The following post is taken from my upcoming book: Connected: The Art of Building Relationships. Connected is the updated edition of Relationships for the Intimately Challenged.

A grandiose ego is a common defense mechanism used to mask fear. When someone is insecure and has a fundamental fear around people, an easy way to keep others at arm’s length is to give the illu­sion of confidence through ego. For example, someone who is talented may not feel grateful for his ability or feel good about himself just because he is able to perform certain tasks well. He only responds to the adulation of others; and when he doesn’t receive this needed praise, he be­comes louder and angrier in order to gain at­tention.

How many prima donna professional athletes and entertainers fit this description? The sad reality is that these individuals are never able to fully appreciate or celebrate their talents in a meaningful way because they never allow themselves to completely share their gifts with others. They exist with a constant pressure to per­form. Therefore, everything they do is moti­vated by fear. Fear that if they somehow lose their ability, people will no longer love them. Fear that people are only there because of something (usually money) they can pro­vide.

This phenomenon is not limited to ath­letes and entertainers. We see these charac­teristics in people in all walks of life. Show me a tyrannical father at home, and I will show you a scared insecure man who only feels whole when he controls others. Employers who micro-manage also suffer from the same inse­curity and fear of people. It is expressed by forcing others to believe they are inferior and cannot adequately do their job without the constant supervision of the boss. Finally, parents who force their children to perform for them or other adults live in a per­petual state of fear. These children are per­ceived as extensions of the parents and must earn the parents’ praise.

Another way we manifest fear is through guilt. We look at past actions (be­cause of either embarrassment or retribution from others) and attempt to protect ourselves. Even though the intention is to keep himself safe, the person who holds on to guilt only accom­plishes isolation. Although this person may convince himself that people stay around him be­cause he is loved, deep inside he believes the only reason people are still around is because of a flawed sense of loyalty or pity.

The guilty person is extremely ma­nipulative. She is constantly trying to be helpful, but the people being “helped” only become resentful. The guilty person convinces herself she is “needed” so she will never be alone. Unfortunately, she may never feel a true sense of connection to others.

Ultimately, any of these manifestations of fear, anger, superiority, grandiosity, and guilt lead to the core belief: a fear of being alone. When people try to side step these issues, they stop themselves from deal­ing with what is ultimately the problem. We as human beings are social creatures. So much of what we do is motivated by a need to feel a sense of community and connection.

We all want to be loved and understood.

Many of us have spent much of our lives being slaves to our scripting and fears and therefore don’t know where to begin to feel fulfilled emotionally. When we are able to recognize the ways that we are “intimately challenged” we start down the path of finding some solu­tions. Those that stay in denial of their fears remain stuck in isolation.

As we are able to clearly see the difference between our definitions of success, happiness, intimacy, and relationships as opposed to those definitions that are simply conditioned reactions, we are able to take more responsibility for our lives. As we take more responsibility for our lives, our relationships become closer.

Change Happens

We must learn to define our own lives

by pursu­ing our joys and passions with people we love.


A tremendous amount of confusion happens when people look into their past ex­periences in order to initiate change in their lives today. They recognize destructive pat­terns and make the decision to further inves­tigate why they operate the way they do. The primary problem with this is that people become so stuck in their pasts, they wind up being obsessed with self-discovery. As a result of this obsession, their patterns don’t actually improve, but worsen.

I am not a believer in wallowing in our past. The past merely provides a frame of refer­ence. It gives an explanation as to how we form certain perceptions and opinions. The past alone cannot provide the appropriate motivation to change. Becoming obsessed with the past can create a situation in which a person actually reinforces the negative pat­tern. A person with this obsession can para­lyze his or her ability to take positive action. It is in action that we change. The negative behavior must change in order to let go of a pattern.

Action is in the now.

  • When you become aware of a repeating pattern of sabotage, become grateful! You are now empowered to change.
  • Becoming cognizant of relentless thoughts of self gives you the opportunity to value service to others. Breaking the pattern of self-centeredness is actually very simple: Help someone else!
  • In all likelihood, you are not the deplorable bane of the human race. You are probably a good person. Let go of the fatalistic inner-dialogue, someone looks up to you!
  • Change what you do. Today. Right now. The sooner you act, the sooner you find relief!

Rewrite Your Scripts

Dealing with the past gives us some answers to the question of “why”. To create change, we must recognize the pattern and take action.

378164726_eefdc2aba6
As a child, our interactions with our families teach us how to relate to other people and establish patterns that appear later in life. If Dad always complains about Mom and launches into lengthy diatribes about the “craziness of women,” this will have an effect on how we relate to women. If Mom waxes poetic about the sad state of chauvinistic cavemen in her life, this will influence our relationships with men. Interests of parents, brothers and sisters all sway our perceptions. However, we are not slaves to these perceptions, and we must learn how to identify, and subsequently change, our negative scripts.

There are several ways to identify scripts:

Preferences or tastes
Often, the preferences we have are developed as a result of who we spend a significant amount of time with. Children will often take on the likes and dislikes of their parents or siblings. When we explore why we like or dislike certain people, places, or things, we often find our families feel the same way.
Forms of self-sabotage
Many forms of self-sabotage or self-destructive behavior are described as “hereditary.” A more accurate description would be scripting. I’ll use alcoholism, a common scripting pattern, as an example. Although there is an age-old debate about whether or not there is a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, I am going to focus on the behavioral aspect. When a child is raised in a home where alcohol abuse is prevalent, there is a strong likelihood he will react to his environment by abusing alcohol himself. Growing up in an alcoholic environment doesn’t guarantee the child will abuse alcohol, but it certainly increases the odds. When this person discovers he is abusing alcohol as a reaction to a scary or negative environment, he has begun the process of script identification. This reaction is a comfortable, familiar behavior, but comfortable and familiar do not necessarily mean positive.

Relationship choices
Most people are familiar with the saying, “We marry our mothers (or fathers).” What this means is we seek a partner who exhibits certain character traits with which we are comfortable. Remember, comfortable doesn’t necessarily mean positive. Many people find themselves involved in relationships with people who provide a sense of security, even when the relationship is very destructive. The flip-side to this example is seeking character traits in a partner that are familiar, secure, and very positive.

Career choices
Some tasks seem to come naturally to certain people. This often has a lot to do with scripting. When we are exposed to something regularly, we will understand it much better. This includes acquiring skills that seem extremely difficult to develop. Being exposed to something isn’t a guarantee we will prefer it, but it certainly predisposes someone to develop this preference.

In scripting, our actions stem from an emotional reaction. When there is a negative scripting pattern in our lives, we have emotions connected to it. For example, if someone grew up in a home where there was a lot of yelling, the same person may react emotionally to loud voices or shouting. The emotional reaction may never change, but the response certainly can. Changing our responses is how we can make powerful changes in our lives.
People become victims to their scripting when they allow their feelings to control what they do. Emotional reactions are often irrational and create many problems in relationships. Once an emotional reaction takes place, the people we are interacting with will generally react emotionally as well. As a result of an emotional exchange, we wind up saying things we don’t necessarily mean, and everyone involved walks away with hurt feelings. If we are emotional, it is best to pause and think about our response.

When we are able to separate our emotions from our actions, we take back our personal power.

Once we take back our personal power, we start to form more joyful definitions of success and happiness because these definitions will no longer be based solely on familiarity. When we form joyful definitions of success and happiness, we begin to choose more positive relationships.

Photo credit:lickyoats via Flickr

On the Topic of Parenting….

An easy trap for parents to fall into is the unrealistic expectation of perfection. We are conditioned to believe we should be equipped to handle any problems our children might have. We convince ourselves there shouldn’t be a question we are unable to answer. We read the testimonials of other parents or of parenting experts and immediately feel inadequate if our children aren’t living up to those written standards.

3684670980_189b608aa6
In reality, parenting is subjective. Despite numerous sources from which we can glean ways of thinking or philosophies, how we parent is primarily dictated by the personalities of our children and ourselves.
Rather than trying to fit perfectly within a particular parenting philosophy, make an effort to learn from as many resources as possible. I don’t mean change on a whim; I mean put yourself in a position to respond to your children’s ever-changing needs.
Paying too much attention to “normal” developmental stages puts an unnecessary amount of pressure on you and your children. Always keep in mind that your children want to be close to you. They want to please you.
Sometimes this desire to please becomes a struggle for independence because children want to prove they are able to take care of themselves. If I, as a parent, keep this in mind then I will feel less of a need to control my daughter’s behavior to fit my chosen parenting philosophy.
Far too often what gets lost in the minutiae of parenting is the relationship between the parents and the child. There are many ways to gauge whether or not this is happening in your family. Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
•    Do I spend a lot of energy trying to make sure my child fits the “normal” developmental standards?
•    Do I try to strictly adhere to any one parenting philosophy?
•    Am I obsessed with the opinion of other people in regard to my child?
•    Do I try to limit things, such as video games and television?
•    Are my expectations based on the personality of my child or on what others say should be expected of my child?

Focus on the relationship first. The security created by this connection is what motivates people. The parent-child relationship can feel very complicated at times. One way to facilitate a harmonious and productive relationship is to deal with your emotions first. When you are able to do this, the urge to control the behavior of someone else is greatly reduced. I realize this is easier said than done in a lot of cases, but it is certainly an ideal we can all shoot for.

Have a wonderful holiday and enjoy your family!

Self Deceived No More

3104958433_1be544fa71

Self-deception is a common theme with people who are controlled by irrational fears. In order for someone to continue to live in a pattern of neurosis, they must be able to justify their fear to themselves and to others. A common characteristic with such people is self-righteousness and anger.

Suppose we were able to share meanings freely without a compulsive urge to impose our view or conform to those of others and without distortion and self deception. Would this not constitute a real revolution in culture?” ~ David Bohm

It is very important to remember we do not live in a vacuum. We deal with other people in all areas of our lives. One key to intimate relationships is accepting that we cannot convince everyone, even those who are closest to us, to see things exactly the way we do. When there are differences in opinion, we either choose to accept these disagreements or sabotage, and possibly end, the relationship. With each disagreement we must ask ourselves, “Is this worth the relationship?” It is important to determine whether the disagreement is a simple difference of opinion or a breach of principle. If I am willing to risk a relationship because of a difference in opinion, it is probable that I am allowing myself to be controlled by irrational fears. Perhaps my fear is that I am not important or what I have to say is not thought of highly. Either way the fear is self-centered and irrational.

One way irrational thought enters the equation is when we allow our opinions to justify our fears. For example, if someone is afraid that people are always trying to take advantage of them, they will isolate themselves to the point of having minimal interaction with other people. In their minds, they are insulating themselves from a world that is brutal and harsh. They convince themselves to not rely on anyone. Anyone trying to get close is doing so because of ulterior motives. They see anyone with a different opinion as a threat to their security. Their lives are controlled by their fear and their anger is always at a low boil. These people wind up lonely as a result of their unwillingness to be flexible.

Here are some simple ways to identify irrational fear and begin the process of change:

1.    Write down five ways you have made other people responsible for your inability to change. (Example: I can’t change because my partner abuses alcohol.)

2.    Write down an irrational fear you have held on to which puts other people in a position to be manipulated. How long have you had this fear? What/who are you able to avoid as a result of this fear?

3.    Write down how your life would be different if you didn’t have this fear.

Think about how free you feel whenever you let go of a false belief or a layer of self-deception. This liberation allows you to grow in ways you wouldn’t imagine. Give yourself the opportunity to move forward!

It Ain’t Happening Now

102074051_1b85095237

Photo Credit:andertho via Flickr

“What’s in the past is dead. Let the dead bury the dead.”

~Og Mandino from The Greatest Miracle in the World”

When afraid, we love to use our past as a way to justify our behavior in the present. There are those, too, who love to hold on to past hurts to use as ammunition to punish others. Our past experiences, relationships, and awareness provide a frame of reference for how to deal with our current situations. They give us useful insights into ways we may better handle life moving forward. The problem many people have is in allowing their past to weigh them down.

Many people have experienced traumatic situations. Others have survived abusive and destructive relationships. We can find people who have made and lost fortunes. Some people attempt to manipulate respect based on past glories. The simple truth is a person’s ability to succeed, create happiness, and share love exists in the now.

There are countless versions of “the past teaches” and “the future provides hope” axioms. This article is no different. It is, however, a fact people must be reminded of. Here are some simple ways to make positive use of the past:

  • Make note of how you identify yourself. How much of this is based on what you did or who you were?
  • Do these identifications give you a sense of hope and provide hope to others?( For example: I’m a recovering alcoholic or a cancer survivor)
  • Do you use these identifications as a way to justify negative behavior today?

There is a tremendous difference between the wisdom created as a result of past experiences and remaining stuck in negative, self-limiting patterns. The most telling sign is whether or not your experiences allow you more opportunities to teach and be of service to others. Be happy with yourself. Let go of any past experiences which no longer serve you or anyone else. Yes, these experiences are a part of who you are. However, they don’t tell your entire story.

Any Old A**hole Can Change

Ruckles Provincial Park, B.C.I have made some really dumb statements in my life. I mean some really, really narrow minded black and white statements. One of the doosies I used for a long time was about how my world was really small. I really said that. I meant it, too. Not only did I say it and mean it, I made it happen.

The premise of this statement was to live in principle. What I would tell myself is that as a result of standing by my principles that my path would become very narrow and my world would become small. The reality is that I allowed myself to live in more fear and to justify some very limiting beliefs.

I am a man of principle. I am very committed to the way I live. However, my life contains many layers. With these layers come a wonderful diversity in relationships. I no longer choose to limit myself under the rationalization of ” living in principle.” I realize today that not only do other people  have different opinions, but that based on their definition of happiness, they are right! 

In other words, it is cool that I have formed perceptions of life based on my experiences. I also know that other people can benefit from what I have learned based on these experiences. A part of my maturation process is realizing that I can benefit from the experience of others. This sounds so overly simple but it is very important to recognize the importance of building and maintaining diverse relationships in order to enhance the richness of life. If I limit myself to only spending time with people who share my opinions, I will never give myself the opportunity to widen my perspective. I don’t want to live that way. What do you think?

It Takes Action

Lately I have found myself in conversations with people who are struggling in various area of their lives. This should come as no surprise, I am a counselor after all. Sometimes I even amaze myself with my mastery of the obvious!

Anyway, I am reminded that in times of struggle or fear people will often disregard the most simple of tools, EVEN IF THESE TOOLS HAVE A PROVEN TRACK RECORD! For example, how often have you heard, and been reminded, that faith without works is dead ? That what truly creates change is action? That what creates tremendous change is SIMPLE action? When afraid we will try to find the most complex answers to the most uncomplicated dilemmas. This is a popular way to avoid taking REAL action. It is called mental masturbation.

Today I was reminded of an oldie but a goody. The God-box. This post is great. Do you feel conflicted? Are you struggling with some tough decisions? Do you need a little kick in the ass? Have you been whining so much that you’re sick of hearing yourself? 

TAKE ACTION! You are far too important to sit around and wait for someone else to do it for you.

It’s Good to Stretch

I had the opportunity to spend the past week at Jack Canfield’s Breakthrough to Success seminar. What an incredible experience. I had no idea what to expect. I have spent the past twenty-one years of my life being conscious of personal growth and the past week was an emotional challenge that allowed me to really stretch. It is in this stretching that I believe any human being’s personal and spiritual growth lies.

It is easy for anyone to find a comfort zone and stay there. We can even ignore the signs and symptoms of stagnation. We will rationalize our boredom, make excuses for our physical degeneration, and justify our spiritual sloth. Far too many people live by trying not to make mistakes rather than experiencing life. In other words, the challenge of life isn’t simply to see who reaches death unscathed.To me, the challenge is to experience as much growth as possible.

The path that my life has taken today is one of self-discovery. It has always been easy for me to limit my circle of influence because of fearful judgements. However, I realize today that no matter how different someone else’s experience may be, the perspectives they have gained will contain valuable lessons. I have a desire to learn. I have a desire to evolve on emotional, physical, and spiritual levels. A simple decision to let go of my petty fears and judgements allows this process to begin. It is as simple as answering a couple of questions:

  •  Is my desire to grow more powerful than my fear?
  • What is it that stops me from hearing your opinion?
  • Will I go along with what you say because I want your acceptance?
  • Is this something I really believe?

This could certainly be a much longer list, but it is a good starting point. One final thought: any person can change at any point. We are never limited by our past experiences or old worn out beliefs. This is a conscious decision. Decide that you will not be limited by old fears and your life will immediately change. You will find yourself on a much wider path that is filled with joy.

That Which Weighs You Down

I am fortunate to spend the majority of my time around very forward moving people. People who are interested in improving their lives emotionally, spiritually, and emotionally. As a result of this motivation they are able to remain idealistic and positive. There are some common characteristics that people I look up to and respect possess. 

  1. A desire to find a way to learn in any situation, positive or negative
  2. An ability to see the good in people
  3. A drive to recognize the deficiencies in their lives so that they can fix them
  4. Willingness to laugh
  5. Never blaming other people, or their past, for their current situation

I have allowed plenty of people and situations to run my life as a result of my fear,anger, and resentment. The problem is that I never feel good when I am choosing to hold on to these negative emotions. Today I know that my  life is a manifestation of my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.  In my opinion that which weighs a person down more than anything is the unwillingness to let go of past hurts, angers, or resentments.

Most people who are unhappy remain so because of they do not allow themselves to move forward. Sometimes letting go of the past is extremely difficult. I can think of plenty of situations that I believe I was treated unfairly or wrong. There are plenty of people with whom I have disagreed. In order for me to be truly free and happy I have had to let go of the idea that others must change first. I must be willing to own my successes and failures. I must be able to forgive. No one has to live feeling weighed down by fear or negativity. Anyone can let go at any time they choose. It’s a matter of being willing to make that choice.