relationships

Your Parents Were Right About Assuming

Oct 14th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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“To assume is to make an ass out of you and me” is a quote you probably heard at some point in your childhood. It may have been annoying at the time, maybe you rolled your eyes at the bothersome adult who spewed this statement, but think about how much assumption affects your life today. Conjecture of any kind changes the way you respond to people and circumstances outside of your control. If you are insecure or unsure about where you stand, it is easy to fall back on assumption or judgment in order to feel protected or safe.

“Every issue, belief, attitude or assumption is precisely the issue that stands between you and your relationship to another human being; and between you and yourself.”

As human beings we all have preferences. We have definitions of moral standards, acceptable behaviors, and ideas about how others should behave. We form these ideas based on the combination of the opinions of those we look to for guidance and our own life experiences. Once a conception is internalized, it is easy to become rigid. At this point we begin to form assumptions based on certain traits. The danger is being so rigid in these assumptions that there is no possibility of connecting with people who fall into certain categories.

If it is your priority to connect with as many people as possible, it is critical to look at your assumptions. It’s not that you will let go of presumptions completely, the challenge is to recognize and manage them. Your initial judgment of someone does not have to dictate whether you pursue a relationship. Sometimes you’re wrong. Some suggestions to manage assumptions effectively include:

  • Be aware of harsh judgments you have
  • Ask yourself if this an opinion you have taken on from the people you are around
  • Think about what people may assume about you
  • When you assume something about another person, consider what you may be afraid of
  • Make it a priority to practice patience with others, everyone has a story

Cynical people will always find evidence to reinforce their negative perceptions. If you are pessimistic or disillusioned, you will operate under assumptions all of the time. You don’t have to live that way. If you feel lonely, afraid, or paranoid, letting go of assumptions is a good place to start the journey of re-connection.

Secrets Breed Sickness

Sep 16th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Secret keeping always breeds sickness. No matter what lengths a person may go to in order to protect himself or someone else, if he is keeping secrets, he will create harm. Often people make the decision to keep secrets be­cause of a fear of embarrassment. No one wants his own reputation, or his family’s reputation, to be tarnished.


This fear is un­derstandable, because embarrassment can be painful. However, when we allow ourselves to operate from a foundation that en­courages pathological dishonesty, we shouldn’t be surprised when someone spends his or her life lying or cheating. I’m not saying it is always a parent’s fault when a child grows up and becomes a dishonest person, but when someone grows up in an environ­ment that allows dishonesty to flourish, he may have a difficult time breaking that pattern.


Family relationships are the most criti­cal aspect of anyone’s early psychological and emotional development. Patterns of behavior are established at a very early age. These pat­terns are rooted in the perceptions formed from our relationships with our fami­lies of origin. If we are unwilling to investigate these parts of our lives, we will severely limit our ability to break the patterns of dysfunc­tion with which we have become accus­tomed. This can have a life-long effect on our ability to form healthy relationships.


Everyone doesn’t come from a dysfunctional family. In fact, there are many people who choose to abuse the term in order to justify negative or antisocial behavior. For those of you who do come from dysfunctional family backgrounds, it is imperative you realize your own power to break the cycle of dysfunction and let it go forever. It all begins with a willingness to change.


· A dysfunctional family is one in which abuse, neglect, closed- mindedness, and absence of affection are characteristics which create the atmosphere at home.


· Relationships built on a foundation of honesty, understanding, and love will flourish.


· The cycle of dysfunction is broken when an individual recognizes he possesses the power to let go of his negative patterns.

Do you continue to excuse negative behavior today because of family situations from the past? Do you want to let go of the pattern of victimization? Start by making the decision to change now.

Balance,Beliefs,and Relationships

Sep 2nd, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Relationships can be very complicated, and these complications are increased when your life is out of balance.

Balance is achieved through being aware of your belief systems and noticing how they affect your physical, emotional and spiritual states. Belief systems include everything from perceptions of spirituality to the value of money. When you have a strong belief about something, you form your opinions, make decisions and form relationships based on these beliefs.

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For example, if I believe in order to have success in life I must achieve a certain level of financial income, I will make it my mission to reach that financial goal. I will believe my happiness depends upon that goal. People who are severely religious base their entire lives on the dogma of their chosen religion. Anything that deviates from that belief system is unacceptable and is subsequently rejected.

Our external life is a reflection of our internal belief systems, and the same holds true for our relationships: they reflect our internal belief systems and these beliefs form our reality.

It is very important to know what you believe and why you believe it. Throughout my life, my belief systems have changed. For example, I grew up in a specific religion; however, as I got older, this particular religion stopped meeting my spiritual needs. It’s not because the religion is flawed or because everyone who participates in it is wrong; it simply stopped providing me with what I was seeking. Rather than blame this religion and do everything in my power to debunk it, I chose to look in a different direction to find spiritual fulfillment.
It doesn’t make sense to automatically try to destroy something because we don’t agree with its philosophy or because we have chosen to find something else. We try to fight it out of fear, and fear creates a very limited scope of the world. People who are negative about what they don’t believe never seem to find pleasure or joy in anything. Having a solid idea of what you believe and why you believe it, without the fight, will enable you to pursue ideas with joy to further your growth. Focusing on what you disagree with will only stop you from having an open mind and being able to relate to others.

Here are a few important points to keep in mind:

•    Your belief systems are reinforced by your actions. The combination of action and belief forms your reality.
•    Once you are aware of your limiting belief systems, you have the power to let them go!
•    Your relationships will become more intimate as you form a clearer definition of success and happiness.
•    Your personal mission statement is formed by your definitions of success and happiness.

Pay attention to what you believe and how you reinforce these beliefs. Your actions will provide you with the guidance you need to determine what is truly important to you. With this knowledge you are empowered to enhance all of your relationships.

Inspiration

Aug 26th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Beautiful sky

Inspiration comes in many forms. It may come from a beautiful sunset, a certain smell, or a piece of music. It is difficult to predict when or how a revelation will arrive, but you know it will.

Most ingenuity is created by partnership. Great ideas are rarely created in a vacuum. Are you taking advantage of the genius you are surrounded by? Do you realize the people in your life possess all of the information you will ever need to be an absolute success?

Zen gardenRemember that you have created relationships with people who support your success. They want you to achieve your dreams. If they don’t know exactly how to advise you, they will point you in the direction to go so you can find the information you need. Does this sound like your relationships? If not, change who you surround yourself with.

Keep it very simple.

  • Determine whether you are honest about the direction that you want your life to go in. If you feel resistance it is probably due to you withholding information about what you are seeking.
  • Listen to your muse and share what you learn in detail with people you trust
  • Tap into the love that surrounds you. Your relationships provide the strength you need to continue to move forward.

Inspiration is energy. It is not accidental when it comes to you. Learn to trust and focus it. You will enjoy life much more!

The Security and (Sometime) Dysfunction of Family

Aug 12th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
1 comment

184665954_6e032f5ac8In any situation involving relationships, we are in pursuit of security. Security is neither positive nor negative. If we are comfortable with conflict, we will be secure in situations that are contentious and chaotic. If we operate well when our surroundings are calm, we will be secure in an environment that is calm and peaceful.
An outside observer may see someone in a violent situation and not understand why the person doesn’t simply leave. However, the person in the violent situation is familiar with these surroundings and has learned to adapt to them. As a result of this adaptation, he survives in this environment while any other situation is unfathomable and unrealistic. He simply accepts the fact his life is violent. By his own definition, he may seek out relationships where he will find conflict. Unless he directly confronts this belief system, he will continue to find security in violence.
The good news is he can shift his security. It is entirely possible for him to realize he doesn’t have to accept the violence as his reality. If he experiences enough discomfort, or sees a more attractive lifestyle, he can find the motivation to change his belief systems and his life.
In the media, we hear stories about people who have gone down a path of crime and self-destruction. We describe them as “victims of their environment”.

Although it is undeniable many people in our society are born with some severe disadvantages, to describe them as victims would not be completely accurate.

Your family background plays a major role in these scenarios. Your earliest definitions about life are formed at home. For some, these definitions are very positive. These individuals learn and understand the positive expressions of love, which form a solid foundation for them to build on for the rest of their lives. Their ability to make decisions from a stable and secure mind-set is evident. However, for many others, there are usually some flawed perceptions that develop from dysfunctional family situations.

•    The word family connotes relationships to which we are indelibly bound.
•    Being related provides the opportunity to have a strong connection but doesn’t guarantee this connection.
•    A dysfunctional family is one in which abuse, neglect, closed- mindedness, and absence of affection are characteristics which create the atmosphere at home.
Here are some simple things you can do to determine how your definition of family affects your life today:

1.    Write a brief (two or three sentences) description of an ideal family. Focus on the emotional characteristics.
2.    Compare this description to the environment in which you grew up; again focus on the emotional characteristics.
3.    Write down three positive characteristics you developed as a result of growing up in this environment.
4.    Write down three negative characteristics you have used to justify any negative patterns in your life.

You were not in control of the environment you were born into. However, you do possess the ability to alter the direction of your life today. Your awareness is a major key to taking control of the direction of your happiness. Although you may have been victimized in the past, you don’t have to remain in that state today.

Connections are Reflections

Aug 4th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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I realize today that my security is internal. It comes as a result of living a life that is based on success and happiness as I define it. My definitions of success and happiness are centered around love, peace of mind, and a strong sense of connection to others. My relationships both reflect and reinforce that fact.

The more we are able to recognize our patterns of fear and negativity,
the more we can create positive and loving relationships in our lives.3033176540_da53b54fc9

Fear and negativity are fed by false and negative beliefs about the motives of other people. As a result of these limiting and fearful beliefs, many people use flawed definitions of relationships, such as “Relationships are hard work” and “Relationships are 50/50,” to justify isolation and loneliness. If we see other people as enemies who are trying to take advantage of us, then it will be very difficult to feel a true sense of connection and closeness. When we are able to truly take responsibility for our decisions and actions, we can form definitions of relationships that are rooted in love and enhancement.
Relationships can certainly be complicated. When people come together at any level, there are belief systems, preferences, and motives to be acknowledged. This process does not have to be painful. Although it can be scary, and sometimes frustrating, building positive healthy relationships is one of the key factors in a joyous life experience. The biggest challenge is deciding whether you have the willingness to take responsibility for your behavior.

•    How we live and perceive life is a choice.
•    A close relationship consists of each individual’s 100% commitment to its success.
•    Flexibility is essential in building strong relationships.
•    The only actions I can truly control are my own.
•    Building relationships can be complicated. In order to build strong relationships I must take responsibility for my own actions.

Here are some simple steps to assist you in this area:

  • Answer this question, “Am I cynical about other people’s motives in wanting to get to know me?”  Write down the ways you notice your reaction to meeting someone new.
  • Name five rigid beliefs you have that stop you from forming relationships with people. (Example: I would never talk to him because he is ________)
  • Write down a few examples of how you expect other people to meet you half-way. Are these realistic expectations?
  • If people don’t live up to these expectations, do you sabotage the relationship?

You can disengage from negativity at whatever point you choose. Your relationships will reflect how you define happiness. Don’t expect other people to spend their time and energy pleasing you. Let go of your expectations and live free!

Rewrite Your Scripts

Jul 28th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
4 comments

Dealing with the past gives us some answers to the question of “why”. To create change, we must recognize the pattern and take action.

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As a child, our interactions with our families teach us how to relate to other people and establish patterns that appear later in life. If Dad always complains about Mom and launches into lengthy diatribes about the “craziness of women,” this will have an effect on how we relate to women. If Mom waxes poetic about the sad state of chauvinistic cavemen in her life, this will influence our relationships with men. Interests of parents, brothers and sisters all sway our perceptions. However, we are not slaves to these perceptions, and we must learn how to identify, and subsequently change, our negative scripts.

There are several ways to identify scripts:

Preferences or tastes
Often, the preferences we have are developed as a result of who we spend a significant amount of time with. Children will often take on the likes and dislikes of their parents or siblings. When we explore why we like or dislike certain people, places, or things, we often find our families feel the same way.
Forms of self-sabotage
Many forms of self-sabotage or self-destructive behavior are described as “hereditary.” A more accurate description would be scripting. I’ll use alcoholism, a common scripting pattern, as an example. Although there is an age-old debate about whether or not there is a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, I am going to focus on the behavioral aspect. When a child is raised in a home where alcohol abuse is prevalent, there is a strong likelihood he will react to his environment by abusing alcohol himself. Growing up in an alcoholic environment doesn’t guarantee the child will abuse alcohol, but it certainly increases the odds. When this person discovers he is abusing alcohol as a reaction to a scary or negative environment, he has begun the process of script identification. This reaction is a comfortable, familiar behavior, but comfortable and familiar do not necessarily mean positive.

Relationship choices
Most people are familiar with the saying, “We marry our mothers (or fathers).” What this means is we seek a partner who exhibits certain character traits with which we are comfortable. Remember, comfortable doesn’t necessarily mean positive. Many people find themselves involved in relationships with people who provide a sense of security, even when the relationship is very destructive. The flip-side to this example is seeking character traits in a partner that are familiar, secure, and very positive.

Career choices
Some tasks seem to come naturally to certain people. This often has a lot to do with scripting. When we are exposed to something regularly, we will understand it much better. This includes acquiring skills that seem extremely difficult to develop. Being exposed to something isn’t a guarantee we will prefer it, but it certainly predisposes someone to develop this preference.

In scripting, our actions stem from an emotional reaction. When there is a negative scripting pattern in our lives, we have emotions connected to it. For example, if someone grew up in a home where there was a lot of yelling, the same person may react emotionally to loud voices or shouting. The emotional reaction may never change, but the response certainly can. Changing our responses is how we can make powerful changes in our lives.
People become victims to their scripting when they allow their feelings to control what they do. Emotional reactions are often irrational and create many problems in relationships. Once an emotional reaction takes place, the people we are interacting with will generally react emotionally as well. As a result of an emotional exchange, we wind up saying things we don’t necessarily mean, and everyone involved walks away with hurt feelings. If we are emotional, it is best to pause and think about our response.

When we are able to separate our emotions from our actions, we take back our personal power.

Once we take back our personal power, we start to form more joyful definitions of success and happiness because these definitions will no longer be based solely on familiarity. When we form joyful definitions of success and happiness, we begin to choose more positive relationships.

Photo credit:lickyoats via Flickr

Intimacy and Connection

Jul 21st, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.”
~ Gary Shandling

When most people hear the word intimacy they conjure up images of adults in “adult situations.” Because of the sexual connotation of the word intimacy, it can be difficult to engage someone in a conversation on this topic without becoming at least mildly uncomfortable. So let’s start by clarifying what I’m talking about when I refer to intimacy. I like to define intimacy as:

closeness and familiarity; closeness that comes as a result of having the courage to be completely engaged and connected

But how do we become completely engaged and connected in a relationship? It starts with a better understanding of ourselves.
Many people today have grown up in families with varying degrees of dysfunction. Whether due to alcoholism, drug addiction, neglect, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, or sheer coldness, many of us have been exposed to factors that have left us in a state of self-protection. In spite of these factors, many people are able to let go of their pasts and move forward in their lives by building close and intimate relationships firmly rooted in trust and love.
They are able to do this by realizing that they are not slaves to their family’s behavioral patterns or genetic pre-dispositions. Although these patterns and predispositions clearly have an effect on an individual’s behavior, they are not the only determining factors. They get to a point of finding their own definitions of success and happiness and begin surrounding themselves with people who support them in their decisions. Once you let go of your past, you too, will be able to identify the differences between what is a negative pattern or predisposition and what you want in the here and now.

Here are some simple things you can do to improve the level of intimacy in all your relationships:

  • Clarify your definition of happiness. Don’t borrow someone else’s, find your own
  • Write down the significant relationships in your life and determine whether they support this definition of happiness
  • If you decide a relationship doesn’t support you, deduce what changes you can make to alter the nature of the relationship

Remember that the level of intimacy in your life is predicated on your willingness to be open. A fear of intimacy is often created by circumstances out of your control, but you can seek help to resolve these issues whenever you choose. Intimacy and connection go hand in hand. As you become more open, the joy and happiness you experience will increase exponentially.

Taking Compliments

Jul 14th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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3351160843_890060319b“A compliment is verbal sunshine.” ~Robert Orben

There are few things that make a person feel better than hearing a compliment. A kind word of encouragement or a gracious accolade can change the course of a person’s day. Flattering remarks, when received at a critical time, may impact the direction of someone’s life.

What is often overlooked is how important it is to receive compliments. If you are someone who has been conditioned to prove humility through self-deprecation, being open to the admiration of others may be difficult. You may believe your head will obnoxiously expand with pride. You have undoubtedly practiced the art of “compliment deflection” in order to escape the temptation of undeserved acclaim.

It is vital to remember how vulnerable a person giving a compliment feels. The fear of rejection is common and when you fend off the kind words of an admirer, you risk reinforcing his negative self-perception. If  compliments are difficult for you to receive, the issue is your self esteem. View your avoidance as an indicator of the need to strengthen the way you see yourself.

  • Begin by paying attention to your self talk. What do you tell yourself about you?
  • Be aware of how often you compliment others
  • Pay attention to the first thing you think about someone when you are approached, is it judgmental or kind?

As you become more aware of your inner dialogue, you will begin to see the value of giving and receiving compliments. You will realize that commendations aren’t  exercises in inappropriate ego building, just like self-censure is not a sign of humility. The giving and receiving of compliments are key ingredients to building strong and lasting connections.The vulnerability involved brings people closer. Practice using this wonderful tool and recognize the improvement in all your relationships!

Photo Credit:Will S. via Flickr

On the Topic of Parenting….

Jul 3rd, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
1 comment

An easy trap for parents to fall into is the unrealistic expectation of perfection. We are conditioned to believe we should be equipped to handle any problems our children might have. We convince ourselves there shouldn’t be a question we are unable to answer. We read the testimonials of other parents or of parenting experts and immediately feel inadequate if our children aren’t living up to those written standards.

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In reality, parenting is subjective. Despite numerous sources from which we can glean ways of thinking or philosophies, how we parent is primarily dictated by the personalities of our children and ourselves.
Rather than trying to fit perfectly within a particular parenting philosophy, make an effort to learn from as many resources as possible. I don’t mean change on a whim; I mean put yourself in a position to respond to your children’s ever-changing needs.
Paying too much attention to “normal” developmental stages puts an unnecessary amount of pressure on you and your children. Always keep in mind that your children want to be close to you. They want to please you.
Sometimes this desire to please becomes a struggle for independence because children want to prove they are able to take care of themselves. If I, as a parent, keep this in mind then I will feel less of a need to control my daughter’s behavior to fit my chosen parenting philosophy.
Far too often what gets lost in the minutiae of parenting is the relationship between the parents and the child. There are many ways to gauge whether or not this is happening in your family. Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
•    Do I spend a lot of energy trying to make sure my child fits the “normal” developmental standards?
•    Do I try to strictly adhere to any one parenting philosophy?
•    Am I obsessed with the opinion of other people in regard to my child?
•    Do I try to limit things, such as video games and television?
•    Are my expectations based on the personality of my child or on what others say should be expected of my child?

Focus on the relationship first. The security created by this connection is what motivates people. The parent-child relationship can feel very complicated at times. One way to facilitate a harmonious and productive relationship is to deal with your emotions first. When you are able to do this, the urge to control the behavior of someone else is greatly reduced. I realize this is easier said than done in a lot of cases, but it is certainly an ideal we can all shoot for.

Have a wonderful holiday and enjoy your family!

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