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relationships

Emotional Yoga

Jun 19th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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“The boldness of asking deep questions may require unforeseen flexibility if we are to accept the answers.” ~ Brian Greene

One of the primary purposes of yoga is to create flexibility and strength in the body. The same exercise is needed for our emotional well-being. Our emotional well-being is the primary key in building strong, healthy relationships. When we live in any degree of fear, we become defensive and rigid. We hold on to antiquated belief systems because they are familiar and safe. We follow our scripting because the direction is obvious and seems to be a low risk proposition.

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We always have the option to change our perspective. We also always have the option to broaden our horizons and expand our exposure to different ideas. When we are able to do this, we break the cycle of rigidity. By breaking this cycle we exercise our emotional muscles. The stronger and more flexible our emotional muscles become, the more we expand our ability to be open to intimacy. We no longer have to remain stuck in our patterns and we can allow our capacity of love to grow without any self-imposed limitations. I know that my ability to welcome new relationships is contingent upon my ability to be flexible. I also know that if I don’t want my current relationships to stagnate, I must continue to be willing to grow and change.

•    The two greatest motivators are love and fear
•    The willingness to risk a relationship due to different opinions is rooted in irrational fear
•    Love creates more love
•    If life seems difficult, it is due to your resistance to change

Be willing to stretch. This discomfort will lead to unexpected opportunities for unimaginable growth. The connections you will make as a result of your pliancy will be a reminder of the value of unity.

Lessons From Modern Technology

Jun 5th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
3 comments

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So I was having one of those mornings. The kind where a series of events unfold that challenge your ability to stay peaceful and serene. You know, those times you shouldn’t be permitted to interact with other humans. Allow me to explain:

This week, after months of diligent research and the purposeful delay of gratification, I purchased a MacBook Pro. This was a wise purchase, by the way, the computer is awesome. However, there have been some hiccups along the way.

First of all, the package holding my new prized possession arrived on Wednesday. I had eagerly tracked the shipment and expected its prompt delivery. U.P.S. is the best. As I excitedly unwrapped my newest instrument of technology, visions of new found creativity ran through my head. I couldn’t wait to connect the old computer to the new one and unleash the power I knew this beast of a machine would deliver. What I didn’t anticipate was…… a different size FireWire oulet.

Seriously, my long awaited date with my BRAND NEW COMPUTER was being delayed by having the wrong size cord (insert your own joke here)! “Oh well, what’s another day,” I said to myself.

The next day, yesterday, I drove to the local Apple Store with complete confidence that they would have the precise cord I needed. After all, they had always stocked any product I was in search of in the past. I love that store. Much to my chagrin, they were out of the 6-9 FireWire cable. This was a travesty. The young lady at the Apple Store was kind enough to recommend a couple of electronic stores who may carry the cord I sought. After three more stops, the cord was mine!

Yesterday afternoon I began the process of information transferal. With my brand new, right sized cord I began. I was proud of my patience, it’s usually difficult for me to temper my excitement. After a few hours the transfer, registration, and other odds and ends, were complete. My speedy computer journey had begun!

Alas, this morning my entry into the world of technological superiority received a severe blow. The machine operated slower than my first IBM word processor. It did not respond to anything. In my annoyance, frustration, and disappointment, I called on my knight in shining armor, my wife Wendy. Any sophisticated technological issue I have ever had, she has been able to solve. Wendy is much brighter than me. As she patiently called Apple customer service, I paced the room like an expectant father outside of  a delivery room. To relieve my angst, I picked up my guitar to strum for a minute, a little creative stress relief. Of course, the guitar was horribly out of tune. As I turned the keys to bring the strings to their optimum pitch, the high E string snapped. IT SNAPPED. All I wanted was five minutes of mindless relaxation after a severe bout of disappointment and helplessness, but the six year old, overly stretched, and under-used high E string had the AUDACITY to snap. Unbelievable.

Wendy knows me very well. She saw me gently (yeah right) place the guitar on its stand and get up. She then gave me a look. I immediately took a breath and calmed down. It wasn’t a look of anger or an expression of fear. It was simply an understanding, “Dude your being an idiot” kind of a look.She knows me very well and I was able to quickly recognize what I was doing and change my behavior.

I learned a lot from this entire situation. Here are a few of the more valuable lessons:

  • the MacBook Pro is awesome and worth the wait
  • U.P.S. kicks serious a**
  • when I build up too much expectation and get overly excited I set myself up to react negatively
  • my wife knows how immature I really am and what a tool I can be
  • it is really important to let the people in my life know me well because my wife isn’t always there

From the simplest situations come the greatest lessons. It is fun to see the areas of my life in which I need improvement. I am grateful to have relationships with people who are as interested in loving their lives as I am. It leads to a lot of excitement and many good times.

Photo Credit : CCBImages via Flickr (although the photo kind of looks like me, it isn’t me)

Improve Any Relationship (Even Those at Work)

May 26th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Last week I had the opportunity to facilitate a seminar at Advanced Services, a pest control company in Augusta, Georgia. I was invited by Jeff Annis, the owner, to speak about healthy communication in the work place. Jeff didn’t invite me due to problems at Advanced, he simply wanted to see if there were ways in which they could improve the communication on the management team. Based on my interview with Jeff and his general manager, Pat VanHooser, I developed a plan of action for the day.

I came up with “Five Techniques to Improve Any Relationship (Even Those at Work)”. Over the next month I will go through each technique in a blog post, a short video, and a podcast. This is valuable information and I want to share it in whatever medium is best for you. So check in periodically and you will have the opportunity to learn about these Five Techniques. Here they are:

  1. Listen, No Really Listen, to the Other Person
  2. Avoid Contempt Prior to Investigation, If You Think Something……Ask!
  3. Remember You Don’t Work in a Community of Mind Readers
  4. Warm Fuzzies vs. Real Change
  5. Understand then Be Understood

All of these techniques are tried and true. They do work. They apply to any relationship. I will explain them in a work environment context but don’t allow that to exclude your participation. I’ll check in soon!

Relationships and Progress

May 19th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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As your life continues to change, and as you get better, there will be people who fight to keep you the same. Human beings strive for security. We want  things to be as predictable as possible. This is why it is vital to our happiness to be diligent about who we spend time with.

“Progress always involves risk; you can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first base.”

~Frederick Wilcox

The condition of our relationships is a key to making progress. There are times when we need the advice, encouragement, and feedback from our most trusted connections in order to move forward. Making significant changes is scary and we need support. How do we determine whether our relationships are meeting our needs?

  • Start by answering this question: How do you define success and happiness? You must be able to answer this for yourself. Too many people sell themselves short trying to live up to the expectations of others.
  • Do you surround yourself with people who are afraid to be honest with you?
  • Are you receiving extreme feedback (hyper-critical or super sweet)?
  • Whether the feedback you receive is critical or supportive, does it boost your confidence? In my most positive relationships when I receive feedback that is appropriately critical, it may sting a little but it provides me with a direction in which to go. Knowing a direction gives me confidence.

Your relationships will always reflect how you are doing. As you grow and become a better person your relationships will change. This is good. Emrace and welcome it. You ,and those you love, will benefit.

You are Creative

Apr 30th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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2382760547_d9c8995a21I was recently recommended a book, Walking in this World, by Julia Cameron. I am grateful I have read this amazing book. It has reminded me that I am a creative person and why it is important to nurture this part of me.

Do you consider yourself to be “creative” or “artistic?”Many people have the idea that in order to be creative one must have a specific and special talent.They discount their own creativity because of their perceived inability to draw, sing, write, play an instrument, or perform any other act they consider creative or artistic. Some dismiss creativity as whimsical or childish and believe the pursuit of artistic endeavors to be irresponsible. Here are a few creative actions everyone can take, which nurture the soul and positively affect relationships.

  1. Pay attention to what you say. Your words carry tremendous power. What you say has the ability to immediately change lives. There are people in your life who hang on your opinions and listen to what you say. Create harmony and peace with your words.
  2. Give. Do something for someone. Anything. Creative energy is life affirming. When you give, the recipient of your gift experiences gratitude. Gratitude heals, inspires, and empowers. Gratitude is also contagious.
  3. Receive. It is as important to receive graciously. Again, receiving allows you to experience gratitude.
  4. Clean or fix something. The idea is creativity. When you clean a mess or fix something that is broken, you participate in healing.Healing creates and renews.

Simple actions help you get in touch with your inner creator. There is no such thing as a non-artistic or non-creative person. It is merely a matter of perspective. When you are in touch with your inner creator, you will be amazed with the creative ideas and divine inspirations which come to you. Pay attention and act on your creative whims!

Photo credit for top picture:honey 77 via Flickr, Second picture taken by me (being creative) in San Juan

Connect

Apr 22nd, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
3 comments

2855271953_e32f64d1b7Connection is vital to a fulfilling and joyful life. We connect with people, spirit, and purpose. When we don’t feel a sense of connection, we feel adrift and without direction. It is so easy to get caught in the trap of trying to please others while neglecting our own sense of self. Re- establishing a sense of connection is not difficult. It may be uncomfortable, or sometimes painful, but not difficult.  The two most important factors are to keep things simple and to be honest with yourself. Here are some exercises which can help simplify this process:

  • Make a list of your most common activities, such as work, school, hobbies, etc. Next to each of these activities write down why you do them. This is just for you (unless you want to share it), so be honest.
  • Make a list of what you would love to do (if there were no limitations)
  • Write down the names of the significant relationships in your life and determine if these relationships support your purpose (if not, dig a little deeper to determine if this lack of support is due to your lack of communication)

The idea with these exercises is to provide you with some insight into your definition of happiness. When you have a clearer definition of happiness, it is easier to figure out how to connect with your purpose. It is also easier to connect your purpose with spirit and to connect with people who nurture your purpose.

Everyone is important. Your presence in the world is vital to someone, probably more people than you could possibly be aware. Take the time to let go of any limitations you place on yourself and any walls you put between yourself and others. Take the time to connect.

Photo Credit: alles-schlumpf via Flickr

Success in Business Part I: Work Together and Everyone Wins

Mar 12th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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3169262303_de9262f5d8I started my company, Stonebraker’s Inc., in 1993. At the time, I had no idea how to run a business, much less sustain it for this long. Today I am able to recognize some of the steps I have taken and communicate them in a useful way. It is imperative to share any insights, ideas, and wisdom that may be beneficial to people if we hope to build a strong and supportive community. Over the next several weeks I will dedicate a post per week to share some of what I have learned, along with some of the mistakes I have made. I will continue to write on other topics but I feel it is important to focus some attention on this particular area.

Many people are afraid. Several companies are operating from a collective consciousness of fear, negative competition, and lack. I believe that companies which place a high value on the morale of its employees, along with its relationships with other companies, will not only survive, they will thrive.

My next post will explore this topic deeper. Think about your relationship with your company, whether you are an employer or an employee. Do you feel a sense of connection? Are you able to maintain a sense of enthusiasm about what you do and those who work with you? Is your primary focus on beating the competition or creating relationships in which everyone is able to prosper (if they so choose)?

Photo Credit: galleryquantum via Flickr

Walt Disney World and Relationships

Feb 12th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Last night I arrived Walt Disney World to attend the National Speaker’s Association Winter Conference. I am extremely excited, as this is my first NSA conference and Walt Disney World is perhaps my favorite place in the world. 

Walt Disney World is a place built on the characteristics I consider to be critical building blocks to a happy and joyful life:

  • Fun is contagious. When someone, or something, is fun we want to participate. We are attracted. We forget about whatever problems we may currently have. Fun is critical to happy lives and happy relationships.
  • Service. At Walt Disney World I always feel taken care of. Sure, I’ve had problems here before but over all my experiences are always positive and the people strive to provide good service. Think about your relationships; are you of service?
  • Acceptance. Don’t you love being in situations in which you are not being judged? When you know you are accepted simply because of who you are? Again, think about your relationships. All of them; friends, family, spouses or romantic partners, clients, service providers, and any other relationship in your life. Those in which we practice acceptance are harmonious and positive, even when disagreements occur.

There are always ways to improve our lives and our relationships if we pay attention. One of the reasons I love coming to Disney World as much as I do is because I am reminded of what is really important in my life. I feel at my best when I am having fun, when I’m of service, and practicing acceptance.

Thoughts on Humility

Feb 6th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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2325686115_9baa8eafd4Photo credit:Toni VC via Flickr

This will involve a paradigm shift for most people. This idea is certainly a shift for me. I, like most people I know, have always been aware of the importance of humility. Although humility is sometimes difficult to achieve or maintain, it is critical to peaceful living. Unfortunately most people believe in order to be humble we must put ourselves down. The idea behind this concept is to deflate the ego.

I agree that too much pride can be extremely destructive. I have certainly made many mistakes as a result of holding on to too much of it. However, to believe humiliation is the key to humility is an unfortunate mistake. Many are taught to be hard on themselves and gentle to others. I understand the idea behind this philosophy, but I completely disagree.

Kindness creates kindness. When I attempt to practice humility through self -deprecation, being kind to others becomes an act of desperation. This desperation is due to the need for any positive interaction. The problem is the humility seems false and the other person feels used. It may not be obvious but this has a tremendously negative effect on all relationships.

Seeing your own positive characteristics does not make you vain. What makes someone vain, or inappropriately prideful, is when the actions do not match the internal beliefs. In other words, if I am attempting to convince the world of what a good person I am but internally I am constantly judging others, I will come across as arrogant and prideful.

Listening to the positive feedback you receive from people will strengthen your character. Many believe that “reading your own press clippings” will create inevitable self-destruction.” It is important to hear positive feedback. The problem occurs when someone feels they have earned praise dishonestly or through means of manipulation. There are many simple ways to achieve and maintain humility. Here are a few:

  • Be honest in all situations
  • Be genuinely you
  • Seek feedback as often as possible
  • Respond to the feedback you receive, positive or negative
  • Be vulnerable so you connect with others 

All of these steps are simple and can be practiced daily. Do your best to be exactly who you are today. When this is the case, humility comes naturally.

.477956183_2f43df7e0dPhoto credit:Jaimie Sun via Flickr

The Moment is What Matters

Jan 26th, 2009
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Yesterday was my daughter’s tenth birthday. It was a wonderful day and a true celebration of the wonderful relationships our family has. Ten years is a long time. Many things change and evolve. If you remember to pay attention, your gratitude grows exponentially.

I remember throughout my wife’s pregnancy the wise words many parents shared with me about the importance of staying present mentally and emotionally. The advice they shared was invaluable and has reminded me how quickly time passes if you don’t pay attention. Blink and it’s gone, is a statement we have all heard. Because of this awareness, I decided long ago to be conscious of putting my family first.

Nothing is more important than our connections. We are defined by our relationships. Our relationships reflect our internal condition. The deeper we connect with people the fuller our lives become. Particularly our relationships with our partners and children.

Your kids don’t care about your professional accomplishments and your partner wants to connect with you. Two things your children and your partner have in common is their desire to be close to you and their need to be involved in your life. It is too easy to justify isolation with the word “responsibility.” Work, grow, and accomplish. These are important and admirable things to do. First and foremost pay attention to those who rely on the connection they have with you. Be present and don’t miss any moments. This is where true success, happiness, and accomplishment lives.

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