relationships

Drop the Agenda, Grumpy Guy

Sep 27th, 2008
by Clint Stonebraker.
3 comments

Disneyworld bills itself as “the happiest place on earth.” For many of us who visit Disneyworld, that statement rings true. The sounds of laughter, the scent of funnel cake and popcorn, and the excited expressions on children’s faces combine to create a magical atmosphere. Why is it that some people can’t help but to sabotage what may be the most rewarding time of their family’s life?

Some people are so self-centered that their agenda takes precedence over fun and relaxation. I agree that having a plan is important. It can provide a road map with which to organize activities for everyone to enjoy. However if the person making the plan lacks flexibility it is a recipe for disaster.

Think about the tight-jawed, red faced man wearing the obligatory Grumpy t-shirt with his concerned looking wife and silent children following close behind.  His intense gait lets you know that he is on a mission. Although the tightly gripped map in his right hand is crumpled and wet, it is still legible. No time to look through the Mickey Mouse gift shop, he has Fast Passes for the new ride and by God he won’t miss his time. He’s the guy that will periodically TELL his family how much fun they are having while ignoring the expressions on their faces which tell a very different story.

Did you grow up with this guy? Are you this guy? Does anyone like this guy? Hell no, nobody likes this guy. People get as far away from him as quickly as possible. He is a drag. There are some very easy ways to make sure that you are never that guy. By the way ladies, you can be that guy, too. 

  • When making plans, leave room for flexibility
  • Understand why you are where you are. For example, if you are somewhere with your kids, their agenda should always come first. This isn’t at the expense of your fun and happiness, this is your fun and happiness
  • Along the lines of planning with flexibility, be willing to adapt to the conditions in which you find yourself. It may rain. The show may get cancelled. The people you are with may decide what you are doing sucks. Adapt and you will maintain peace of mind
  • Finally, and this is extremely important, lose the Grumpy t-shirt. It’s not funny. It’s hackneyed.If you are an asshole you certainly don’t need a t-shirt to prove it.

By dropping or adjusting your agenda you leave room for fun and joy. Hopefully that is why you are planning your activity to begin with. Enjoy the people you are around and be someone others enjoy.

Viral Gratitude

Sep 11th, 2008
by Clint Stonebraker.
1 comment

We all have certain days or holidays that remind us of the importance of gratitude. I am not writing this to scold anyone with some self-righteous “it shouldn’t take a special day to make you grateful!” statement. I am, however, taking advantage of the opportunity to point out how important it is to share our gratitude with those we love.

Gratitude empowers. It galvanizes. When words of gratitude are spoken both the person sharing the feeling and the one receiving the message benefit. As a result of this strength, anybody else who comes in contact with either of these people is affected. They feel better and may not even know why. The more grateful people there are out and about will allow these feelings to spread like a virus.

The term “viral marketing” is very popular. It describes how one person’s opinion and the willingness to share that opinion has far-reaching effects. I challenge everyone to practice viral gratitude. If there is someone you are grateful for today, share it with them. Just one person. Ask them to share it with someone else. Don’t limit yourself to sharing your gratitude with a list that only you see. As this gratitude spreads, know that you have made the world a better place.

Is there a better way to honor today?

Radically Change

Sep 6th, 2008
by Clint Stonebraker.
1 comment

I am currently at the annual Live and Learn Conference in Black Mountain, North Carolina. Live and Learn is a conference my family and I have attended for the past four years. Through it we have made many valuable connections and gained vital validation for the direction we have chosen to  build our family. In case you were wondering, Live and Learn is a conference for families who adhere to a philosophy called “radical un-schooling.”

Without going into an entire explanation of radical un-schooling, which would be very subjective anyway, I am going to share a synopsis of my experiences at these conferences from an emotional and awareness based perspective. 

Wendy, my wife, and I discussed our philosophies in regard to child rearing long before our daughter was born. Neither one of us bought into the classically accepted educational practices that are common in our society and we wanted our daughter to know that she is an equal member of our family from day one. I combined both of these thoughts into one sentence for a reason. Our society has an obsession with catergorizing people, children in particular. A large part of this catergorization begins the first day a child steps into a classroom. From standardized tests to standardized lessons, people are taught to seek the status quo and “rise” to the level of normal. While this phenomenon is taking place children are also reminded daily that they are less important than the adults in their lives on all levels. Their thoughts, feelings, ideas, and desires are dismissed as childish whims or as a waste of valuable time. These messages are reinforced every time a child is reprimanded and told to be quiet or to leave adults alone.

It is unbelievable to me that people act confused as to how we have the societal problems we have. The values of creativity, compassion, and communication are sold out to the gods of compliance, status quo, and secret keeping. By the way, if you disagree with the secret keeping part ask yourself if you believe in the limiting, yet popular, belief of “it’s nobody’s business.” There are some simple solutions that begin at home. These solutions are simple to understand but hard to do. For many people it means challenging some belief systems that have existed for generations. However if your life is filled with acrimony and you are having a difficult time making connections with people, children in particular, keep reading.

  1. Love is a much more powerful influence than societal pressure. Simply stop and realize that no matter how badly you may desire the acceptance of society as a whole, you are surrounded by people who want what is best for you all of the time. If you truly believe this you will continue to attract more people to you who share this belief
  2. Life is not a race. It is neither a 50 yard dash or a marathon. Don’t you love hackneyed cliches? Although I understand what people are trying to explain with this statement, it is still a limiting belief. Life, as an experience, is not a competition of any variety. Live through love. Love through understanding. Understand through connecting. Catch my drift?
  3. Your mind is yours. Experience your life. Control, judgement, criticism, and complaining create jaded and lonely people. I have been all of these things before. It sucks. Joy and happiness are free to anyone who seeks them. If you are a negative person you have the power to change right now. It doesn’t matter what your process may be, you can change right now. What does it take? A decision. Decide that you want a life filled with laughter and love and it is yours. 

Radically un-learn. Many people have developed entire belief systems on lack and negativity. Always know that this is a choice. There is always someone who understands. There is always a way to change. There is always someone who loves you, even those who are convinced that they are unloveable.

Until next time…..

If There’s Trouble, You Can Resolve It

Jul 30th, 2008
by Clint Stonebraker.
3 comments

      Most relationships that go sour are usually sabotaged by poor communication. Whether it is due to someone’s inability (or unwillingness) to be openly expressive or a misinterpretation of emotions, with better tools we can not only salvage certain relationships but enhance all of them. In my book, Relationships for the Intimately Challenged, I provide an overview of how people’s faulty belief systems and scripting lead to the repetition of useless and negative habits. I also point out the value of having a personal definition of success and happiness based on your individual experiences and beliefs rather than on scripts or other limiting codes of behavior. 

     In the series of workshops that I am facilitating right now, I provide some insight into ten techniques that I believe can help resolve most conflicts that come up in any relationship.

·      Pause before speaking

·      Listen to the other person…….no, seriously listen to the other person

·      Avoid accusatory statements based on assumptions

·      Avoid ”should” statements

·      Discuss rules/guidelines rather than impose rules/guidelines

·      Communicate concerns rather than attempt to arbitrarily control behavior

·      Understand the other person’s perspective (kind of an extension of #2)

·      Be willing to walk away to allow emotions to calm

·      NEVER speak out of anger

·      Own your behavior first

       If you are experiencing conflict in any of your relationships, try one or more of these techniques. If you are willing to take action and make the necessary changes in your life you can find the joy you seek in any significant relationship. Never limit yourself with beliefs that no longer serve you.

Learn, Live, Love

Jul 10th, 2008
by Clint Stonebraker.
1 comment

Recently I have been in a position to learn a ton of new skills. I have expanded what I do professionally into areas that are relatively unfamiliar to me. What is exciting about these new ventures is the reminder that as human beings we never stop learning. Many people, myself included, fall into patterns in which we feel we have mastered a skill and reach certain plateaus. When this happens we can tend to draw security from the fact that we have “made it.” While I do believe that it is important to develop certain skills in order to provide for oneself and make a positive contribution to society, I also believe that people should not limit themselves.

Learning is exciting. It is an ongoing process that we can either choose to participate in or resist. Certain ideals I felt very strong about 10 years ago have changed. Some have been galvanized. When I reflect on my life, that has always been the case. This is because my experiences, my knowledge, and my perspectives are always evolving. 

The key in the learning process for me is having an open mind. When I have an open mind I am willing to listen to ideas that are different from mine. I am able to see other people’s points of view without becoming immediately defensive. I don’t feel the need to attack those whom I don’t understand. My mind is closed when I live in fear. Fear breeds anger, resentment, and self-righteousness. These negative emotions, which we all experience at times, keep us living in a place that is wrought with self-pity. No one deserves to be this limited and alone.

One of the most self-loving actions I can take today is to stop and listen. When I stop and listen I become aware of those around me. When I am aware, I learn. When I learn, my entire life experience is enhanced. A suggestion I can make that really works for me today is to pay close attention to what you think and talk about. Are your thoughts and words angry? Are they self righteous? Do you find yourself having to angrily prove your point? Do you seek ways that you can be of service to people? All of these questions are important because they will provide a great deal of insight into how you see yourself and others. As you are able to see yourself and others in a more positive light, you will be able to open your mind and learn. Enjoy this experience!

Finding a Direction

Jun 26th, 2008
by Clint Stonebraker.
4 comments

Life is such a joyful experience. It is enhanced by those with whom we choose to connect. Friends, families, spouses, and others we meet along the way teach us valuable lessons. Some of these lessons are learned by the specific guidance someone is able to provide, some are learned as a result of our ability to be of service. It is imperative to make these kinds of connections in order to create a life of abundance and love. Opportunities to connect with helpful people surround us at all times. Whether there is a new skill we want to learn or a new professional direction we want to find, there is always someone there to help if we are willing to seek them out.

My responsibility to myself is to maintain the humility to seek guidance, the open-mindedness to hear new ideas, and the willingness to take 100% responsibility for my life. I must always remember that my decisions and actions create my reality. Only my self-imposed fears and limitations will stop my progress as a person. I have been fortunate to come in contact with some wonderful teachers over the past several months. I have been able to learn a lot about myself and what is important to me. I realized the ways that I had limited myself and have made a lot of changes. This is possible because I both sought direction and remained open-minded.

  • If you are unhappy, find your passion. Figure out what you value, what is truly important. From there it is far easier to find a direction.
  • Seek out people who know how to do what you want to do. There is a wealth of information available to us all of the time, we just have to be willing to find it.
  • Finally, don’t get discouraged. Learning new things can be scary. Maintaining the status quo seems to be a much easier option. Surround yourself with people who will encourage you to live the life you desire.

This is not a race. There is no “one way” to be successful. One thing is for certain, though. Without love and passion it is impossible to truly be fulfilled.

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