How To Define Success and Happiness: Pursue Your Passions And Dreams

Sep 29th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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One way to define success and happiness begins with identifying and pursuing your passions and dreams.  An extension of this definition can include doing what you love with people you love. When you are able to focus on these qualities moving forward seems to flow. This can be a challenge. It is normal to find yourself scared and insecure at times.  You may measure yourself against others and feel like you fall short of the mark.

Do You Know What You Want?

When I am secure with how I define success and happiness, I don’t have to scramble around trying to control every aspect of other people’s lives. I am more accepting of people I love going through whatever processes they need to in their lives to define success for themselves. My desire to micromanage and judge is lessened. My need for authority is in direct proportion to how I am dealing with my own self-doubt and fear.

Success Is Up To The Individual

I can’t own anyone else’s accomplishments or happiness. Regardless of the role I play as a parent, advisor, coach, boss, or friend, whomever I provide guidance to makes his or her own decisions. He or she will define success how they see fit. I may be emotionally affected by someone else’s decisions but I certainly can let go of my reactions. At the end of the day what I remember most is what I say or do, not someone else.

In order to be effective in leading others make sure you are clear about your own purpose and direction. As a result of this clarity you won’t need to focus on leadership, it is a quality which will come naturally. Satisfaction in life is something you probably desire. You may look to others for examples of how this can be achieved. People use you as a model for success as well. Honor these relationships by remaining persistent with your progress.

In what ways can you improve your focus?

Posted in: Action steps, awareness.
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How Do You React To Your Emotions? How To Change Repeated Actions

Sep 22nd, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Most of the time the ways people react to emotions follow a pattern.These patterns create habits. For example, when someone reacts to hurt or fear by becoming angry, the anger becomes habitual. The repeated actions form the custom. In order for real change to take place, the emotions behind a reaction have to be resolved.Change often starts with movement. Eventually the heart and mind, or the thinking, emotions,and deeds, must agree for a pattern to be permanently altered.

Do Your Emotions Run The Show?

It is common to react to difficult situations by becoming emotional. However, we lose personal power when emotions are in control of what we say and do. When we are able to take a step back, allow emotions to calm, and apply logic, we are less likely to say or do something we will later regret. Thinking before speaking is a challenge for most. No one is perfect in this endeavor. However, it is an area in which we can all progress.

You Choose How The Past Serves You

As years pass we gain wisdom through experience. Many of these events can be scary. It is easy to focus on how difficult certain situations were but the knowledge accrued enables better navigation through life’s events. When we choose to wallow in self-pity, the opportunity to share experiences that may benefit others is lost. How we deal with challenges is a matter of choice and perspective. We all have the power to

change our words, actions, thoughts, and feelings. If you are taking responsibility for your life and your happiness, you will use whatever steps are necessary to change your thoughts, words, and actions. This means finding a personal definition of success and happiness. The person who’s no longer reacting is moving toward something.  What is it that you’re moving toward?  What is it that you’re after?

Posted in: Action steps, Change/Transition, Growth.
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How To Navigate Through Times of Transition and Reorientation

Sep 15th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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The world is in a major time of transition. Many have trouble in figuring out how to navigate these phases. How disruptive it will be for you is determined by two things: the inherent importance of the change that triggers those disruptive times of reorientation; and whether these changes coincide with a developmental shift happening within you. If major changes happen around you at the same time there’s a developmental shift happening within you, any reorientation will be disruptive. If your inner change coincides with the reorientation outside of you, you will find it will be disruptive for the better.

Relationships are always structured by unspoken agreements, although people are seldom conscious of it.  For example, an unspoken agreement between a new employee and a more experienced employer is that the employer will communicate clearly with the new employee and counsel, coach and guide him through how to do his job well and progress in his career. Even though this is sometimes a spoken agreement, it is certainly assumed. When the employer doesn’t live up to this unspoken (or spoken) agreement all involved parties suffer. The company is less productive, the employer is angry due to unmet expectations and the new employee remains in a state of insecurity.

Although times of transition can feel insecure for individual and groups, it is a great time to reassess priorities. Take the time to ask yourself what is important to you and why. It may be helpful to write down your answers. This helps to see whether your life and relationships reflect your priorities. When applying this to an organization, write down whether the service your organization provides is reflecting its mission.

Once you have an accurate assessment it is possible to develop a simple plan of action. Once you begin taking action, you begin to change internally with the reorientation going on around you. When you change with the times, you create a more harmonious world both in and out. Best of all, it’s a much better ride!

Posted in: Change/Transition.
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Respond To Transitions: How To Adapt To Life’s Changes

Sep 8th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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How do you respond to transitions? Because you are in a constant state of renewal, it is important to be aware of how well you adapt.  In his book, Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes, William Bridges points out that transitions are comprised of an ending, a period of confusion and distress and a new beginning.

Everyone at some time in their life finds endings to be difficult. If you struggle with change, don’t worry. It is not a sign that you have some unusual problem that others don’t. There are many inspirational sayings designed to clarify that change, though necessary and survivable, is something we all struggle with. Transitions are uncomfortable, especially when they start with an ending.  The truth is, if you’re moving toward something new, you’re letting go of something else. The act of letting go, especially if a change is forced upon you, can be a difficult process.

Think about the child who deals with the divorce of his or her parents. It is a change that’s been forced upon him. Not only has the life he knows ended, he has zero power or control over that ending. The entire course of his life has been altered permanently and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Even if we haven’t been the child of divorce, we can all relate to the emotions involved in this kind of change. The feelings of powerlessness, anger, fear and hopelessness affect everyone at some point. These are common emotions that come with transitions created by outside circumstances.

The more adept you become at seeing the opportunities that change brings, the more positive those transitions of letting go will be. The more you are able to accept that moving toward something will end something else, the more welcoming you are of upcoming changes in your life.

Posted in: Change/Transition.
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Are Relationships 50/50? How To Build Connections For Happiness

Sep 1st, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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The belief that relationships are 50/50 is based on the premise that a positive and productive relationship is formed where two people meet at a half-way point.This belief can be dangerous because responsibility for one’s happiness is placed on another person.

Another problem in a 50/50 dynamic is the possibility of someone “keeping score.” When this is the case one party may withhold affection or build a resentment due to feeling like the relationship is out of balance. There can be an unwritten rule that “you owe me one.” In order for a relationship to feel whole each party needs to be aware of his role.  An attitude of service is diminished when someone feels that the favor must be returned.

If people are dependent upon others to “complete” them, it can be difficult to feel emotionally balanced without people performing for their satisfaction.Although it can be painful when a positive deed is not reciprocated the spirit of helpfulness shouldn’t be based solely on the philosophy of quid pro quo.

Although some relationships begin as a result of one person’s needs and another person’s ability to meet those needs, it still requires 100 percent participation in order for the relationship to become positive. Once a person finds someone who can help, he begins to open himself up and communicate what his needs are. The person who is able to meet these needs then empowers the other to make any necessary changes in life to move forward and deal with that problem.

This is not a 50/50 proposition. It is as a result of each person giving 100 percent. Both involved parties begin therelationship with some specific individual goals. Each individual finds a level of compatibility with the person to whom they are attracted. The relationship is able to begin in a healthy way because of this understanding. Do you believe relationships are 50/50?

Posted in: relationships.
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Are Relationships Hard? How To Remove Negativity From Responsibility

Aug 25th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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A fundamental belief is that relationships are “hard work” and involve “sacrifice and compromise.” While building connections on any level can be a challenge , these negative attitudes are prevalent in today’s society because many people struggle to take responsibility for their own situations. It has become increasingly more common for people to blame someone or something else for their plight in life.

Forming unions is harder when someone is unwilling to accept that his decisions, words, and actions have a ripple effect. All relationships involve two people coming together, therefore flexibility is critical. This doesn’t necessarily mean that there must be “hard work” in order for a relationship to be successful. If a bond is extremely difficult to maintain, it is possible it shouldn’t exist. Before making that determination, however, it is imperative to make an honest self-appraisal.

  • Taking responsibility for actions and words is key.
  • Relationships are always a reflection of a person’s current state of mind.
  • When someone feels conflict with another person, the first responsibility is to look within himself to determine whether he has somehow wronged the other person.
  • If he discovers that his actions have been clean, he can find comfort in the awareness that his behavior or attitude is not at the root of this conflict.

Continuing to attempt to engage another person in conversations about conflicts may perpetuate the problem. At that point it can be helpful to take a step back and allow the other person the freedom to work out whatever issues they may have.Most people want to be liked; so this can be challenging. The other person may not respond positively and the disagreement may not be solved. A few points that may be helpful include:

  • The only actions anyone can truly control are his own.
  • Building relationships can be complicated.
  • In order to build strong relationships one must take responsibility for his own actions.

With this perspective and responsibility the building and maintaining of relationships is more a challenge than a chore. Removing the fear makes the entire experience much more rewarding.

Posted in: Action steps, relationships.
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Be Honest With Yourself: Your Responses Create Your Reality

Aug 18th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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To begin the process of self-discovery it is vital to recognize the areas of your life that need some direct attention. When you are able to be honest with yourself about what these areas are, you will begin to find the power to initiate change. Positive responses to awareness rely on the willingness to face whatever qualities may be hindering your personal growth and development. A common hurdle is believing other people have caused your life to be less than what you want.

The Danger Of Blaming Others

If you find yourself blaming others for your loneliness or if you are in constant conflict with other people, look closely and see whether you can be honest with yourself. Remember that it is impossible for anyone to control what you say or do. Realize it is only  you creating your problems. Your current situation, good or bad, is a result of a series of decisions you have made and actions you have taken. It is also a result of either negatively reacting or positively responding to your emotions. You are not a puppet on strings or a trained animal. Although past circumstances have a part to play in how you have developed, your reactions create your reality. Ultimately your life is yours to own.

Begin To Take Responsibility

In order to move away from the victim role it is important to pause and take a deeper look at how you may experience conflict in your relationships today. A simple exercise to find clarity may include:

  • Take inventory of those relationships creating conflict in your life.
  • Be honest about your part in this conflict. What can you change in order to feel balanced within these relationships?
  • As you make changes be aware of how much less you are concerned about the behavior of the other person.

It may not always feel like you have a choice as to how you react or respond, but you always do. Be patient with yourself and others. Take the time to think through how to best handle whatever situation you find yourself in. Ultimately you will find more peace and all of your relationships will benefit.

Posted in: relationships.
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How Successful Relationships Create Life Balance

Aug 11th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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How do you define a successful relationship? What role do you believe your relationships play in your perspective on life? Successful relationships definitely play a major role in achieving healthy life balance. One key is realizing how you view connections with other people.

How Perceptions Are Formed

There are many kinds of relationships we will engage in throughout our lives. There are several factors involved in how we form our perceptions of these relationships. We learned a lot from our families which provided most of us  with a foundation to operate from every day. We learn from our peers. We learn from mentors and others we admire. Most of us hear stories about other people’s lives and find bits and pieces we would like to emulate. Because there are so many influencers in our lives we must pay attention to how we are affected by these sources of input.

There are many facets to anyone’s life and several variables involved in any decisions made. With all of this information the simplest decisions can become convoluted. As a result it is easy to become indecisive and sometimes stuck. Therefore it is crucial to make things as simple as possible in order to gain clarity.

The Role Of Relationships In A Balanced Life

Relationships can be very complicated, and these complications are increased when your life is out of balance. Balance is achieved through being aware of your belief systems and noticing how they affect your physical, emotional and spiritual states. Belief systems include everything from perceptions of spirituality to the value of money. When you have a strong belief about something, you form your opinions, make decisions and form relationships based on these beliefs. As a way to figure out an area of your life which may need attention:

  • On a piece of paper draw three columns, title one physical, the next emotional/mental and the third spiritual.
  • Write down ways you nurture each part of your life.

Following this simple formula will give you an idea of what may be out of balance in your life and which areas need more focus. This will provide you with insight into which relationships in your life need to be nurtured and which may need some clarification of boundaries. We are all affected by people in our lives. By achieving a level of balance we are able to control how deep this influence goes. How do you find balance?

Photo Credit: klimari1 (JUST SHOOT IT! Photography) via Flickr

Posted in: relationships.
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Are You Having Fun? How To Move From The Got-Tos To The Get-Tos

Aug 4th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Are you having fun? Is your life filled with activities you look forward to? Most people would probably agree that anything worth doing should involve a degree of fun.  However, most of us create the majority of our lives with  “got-tos.” It’s time to focus on some of the “get-tos.”  For the sake of clarity, I will define a “get-to” as an activity you view with such a degree of excitement and enthusiasm, you can’t wait until you get to start.  Something that gives you butterflies when you think about it.

“It takes courage to play in a world that does not play.”

~Fred Donaldson


Do you find it more and more difficult to find “get-tos?”  Have the circumstances in your life become so stressful or filled with anxiety that you find very little joy throughout the day?  Have you become the dour figure you swore you would never be?  If this describes how you feel (even a little bit) make the decision to change.  Now!

Today, schedule in your next “get-to.”  This may feel ridiculous at first, but this is where your courage steps up.  The world is a balance of work and fun.  Play and toil.  It is up to you to create the balance.

Your current conditions may be difficult.  The challenges in your life may not be a great deal of fun or involve pain.  However, you have control over how you react to your life.  Even in the most difficult of times you can find something in your life to bring you joy.  Don’t let your guilt stop you from laughing.  Don’t let your seriousness stop you from a moment of silliness.  Get into the habit now of experiencing as much fun and laughter as possible.  Be the exciting, fun-machine you were born to be!

Photo Credit: sillygwailo via Flickr

Posted in: Action steps.
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What Is The Strength Of Relationships? Commitment To Personal Growth

Jul 28th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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What if I told you the strength of your relationships is contingent upon you and your partner’s commitmentto personal growth?  Let’s take a closer look.  Since many partnerships have dissolved as a result of stagnation, the simple act of stretching our knowledge and awareness can create the positive energy between two people to reinforce the choice to stay together. This is true for any kind of significant relationship or partnership, whether the relationship is personal or professional. Any successful partnership involves a degree of intimacy.

“If we’re growing, we’re always going to be out of our comfort zone.”

~ John Maxwell


So many of us believe we find security in the status quo.  However over time, people tend to develop resentment with those they feel are holding them back from the life they really want. Many come to realize the predictability they once cherished is no longer satisfying.  Although it is easy to blame our partners for this lack of growth, it is up to us to live the life we aspire to.  It is useful to look within to determine whether you feel stifled.

Here are a few simple questions to evaluate whether you are being intellectually and emotionally stretched:

  • Pay attention to your level of enthusiasm about the day ahead.  Is it high or low?
  • Do the activities you participate in offer the opportunity to be exposed to people outside of your normal circle?
  • Have you recently learned new information that enhances your life

If you find you are stuck in the same old routine, make the powerful decision to consciously expand your awareness. With this expansion of consciousness comes the opportunity for remarkable progress. Your relationships will be positively impacted by you making the decision to step outside of what is comfortable and challenge yourself to grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Posted in: Action steps, relationships.
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