What Other Parents And Parenting Experts Can’t Tell You About Your Child

May 12th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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An easy trap for parents to fall into is the unrealistic expectation of perfection. Parents are conditioned to believe they should be equipped to handle any problem their children might have. Parents become convinced that there shouldn’t be a question they are unable to answer. Many read the testimonials of other parents, or of parenting experts, and immediately feel inadequate if their children aren’t living up to what are considered normal developmental standards.

In reality, parenting is subjective. Despite numerous sources from which ways of thinking or philosophies are gleaned, how an individual chooses to parent is primarily dictated by the personalities of the children being parented.

Rather than trying to fit perfectly within a particular parenting philosophy,one could make an effort to learn from as many resources as possible. That doesn’t mean change on a whim; it means to be in a position to respond to children’s ever-changing needs.

Paying too much attention to “normal” developmental stages puts an unnecessary amount of pressure on the parent and the child. It is important to keep in mind that children want to be close to their parents. They have a sincere desire to please their care-givers.

Sometimes this desire to please becomes a struggle for independence because children want to prove they are able to take care of themselves. If a parent is able to keep this in mind there will be less of a need to control the child’s behavior to fit a chosen parenting philosophy.

Far too often what gets lost in the minutiae of parenting is the relationship between the parent and the child. There are many ways to gauge whether or not this is happening. Some questions include:

• Does a lot of energy get spent trying to make sure the child fits the “normal” developmental standards?

• Is there an attempt to strictly adhere to any one parenting philosophy?

• Are expectations based on the personality of the child or on what others say should be expected of the child?

The parent-child relationship can feel very complicated at times. One way to facilitate a harmonious and productive relationship is for the parent to deal with his own emotions first. When able to do this, the urge to control the behavior of someone else is greatly reduced. This is easier said than done in a lot of cases, but it is certainly an ideal worth shooting for.
Photo: © Copyright Adrian Bailey and
licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence.

Posted in: parenting.
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The Connected Family: Three Simple Tips To Create Unity At Home

May 5th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Do you wish your family was closer? Is there a certain feeling you want to create at home? Follow three simple steps to get closer to creating the connections you want.

Most people grow up with a vision of what they want their family to look or feel like. This can be especially true for those who come from dysfunctional backgrounds. In order for someone to create relationships grounded in a healthy ideal, it is vital to have a definition based on a personal definition of happiness and success .

Ideally, a person’s closest relatives provide his safest relationships. Unfortunately this is not the case for many. Due to faulty scripting, behaviors influenced by culture or relatives, many people accept negative or toxic relationship patterns because they are familiar. This lack of connection or unity at home becomes expected. It is critical to not assume that a relationship is healthy simply due to being related. Sometimes, people take for granted those to whom they are related to will accept any behavior.

“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.” ~ Jane Howard

Three Tips To Improve Family Relationships

  1. Write down a brief description of the ideal family. Focus on the emotional characteristics.
  2. Write down a couple of positive characteristics developed from your upbringing (even if this consists of what not to do).
  3. Write a brief description of how you want to be in the context of your family relationships, what kind of partner, parent, child, sibling, etc. Choose the relationship roles that apply to you.

No one has to accept the status quo.If you have found yourself dissatisfied with the condition of your relationships at home their are steps you can take. For anyone to believe they are unable to initiate a significant change in the way relationships are formed is tremendous self-deception. It is possible to create the family relationships you want. This process begins by focusing on who you can actually change. The one person you can change is you.

Posted in: family, relationships.
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Commit to Connection: How to Effectively Build Friendships With Meaning

Apr 28th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Do you want your friendships to have more meaning? Do you have a desire to feel supported in reaching your goals? Then make a commitment to connect more effectively.


All things in life are enriched when we are able to share them. There is a tremendous amount of power in the connection made between two people. This power is increased when we are connected to many more people. In order to make these connections, we must be willing to make ourselves vulnerable. We must have a desire to be intimately involved in people’s lives. We must commit to removing whatever obstacles stand in our way.

Most people we meet will have some level of desire to be joyful and loving individuals.

What separates a person with this desire from someone who actually fulfills this desire is the commitment to change. This commitment creates action. Through taking positive action, our lives will change. Experiencing instant results from taking simple actions is extremely rewarding. There is no greater gratification than the feeling that comes from accomplishing a goal. What makes this feeling even sweeter is being able to share it with people who have a genuine concern for our well-being. The more meaningful friendships we are able to create and maintain, the deeper  joy is able to penetrate all levels of our being. Truly happy people seek opportunities to share the gifts they have been given. To be able to share knowledge and information creates a positive impact on large circles of people.

Any strong and meaningful friendship is built on the foundation of fun, genuine concern, and support. Friendships grow through shared experiences. They also enrich life because of the reinforcement ofconnection and commonality. Happiness isn’t determined by the number of friendships a person has, rather by the depth and quality of those relationships. It is dangerous to judge how connected someone is solely by the number of contacts in their database. Without shared goals, beliefs, or experiences there is no relationship. Forget about numbers, focus on connection.

Photo Credit by: by gerrygoal2008 via Flickr

Posted in: Spring Cleaning Your Relationships.
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Ready For A Romantic Relationship You Deserve?

Apr 21st, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Ready for romantic relationship you deserve? It is critical to have open discussions to find a healthy definition of a working relationship.



Romantic relationships can be subjects that are terrifying to talk about. However, it is critical to have open and honest discussions about this subject in order to find a healthy definition of a relationship that works. People often repeat destructive romance patterns due to an unwillingness to examine the limiting beliefs and faulty scripts that dictate romantic attraction and desire.Unfortunately, negative patterns can create a false sense of security. With a strong commitment to improve, it is possible to change these patterns permanently.

Ideally,  partnerships are formed by the combination of physical attraction, emotional compatibility, and spiritual connection.

Romantic relationships involve a tremendous amount of personal responsibility. There is no other type of relationship that requires a higher degree of intimacy. When people enter a romantic relationship without an awareness of the responsibility involved, people get unnecessarily hurt.  If people commit themselves to improving their lives and their relationships, their attitude toward romance will change for the better.

“Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect but always perfect for you.”

~ Author Unknown

The key to any healthy romantic relationship is the willingness to take responsibility for all decisions, actions, and responses.

By answering a couple of simple questions, a degree of clarity can be achieved.

1. What qualities would the ideal relationship possess? (This can include physical, emotional and spiritual qualities)

2. How important is it to be a secure individual before entering a romantic relationship?

3. How does a healthy relationship enhance a person’s life?

Although emotions are at the center of a romantic relationship, they can cloud judgment.  It is critical to have a clear perspective on a healthy romance before being intimately involved with anyone. In the spirit of spring cleaning relationships, take inventory of how an intimate relationship is defined.

Once this definition is established one can remove the clutter of limiting beliefs and attract a perefect relationship defined by success and happiness. This is the kind of a romantic relationship everyone deserves.

Photo Credit:fujisan3 (Mr.mt) via Flickr

Posted in: relationships, Spring Cleaning Your Relationships.
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Spring Clean Your Relationships: Simple Tools With Immediate Results

Apr 15th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
1 comment

Today begins “Spring Cleaning Your Relationships” month.Between now and Mother’s Day, I will be sharing some simple tips and tools based on spring cleaning basics to repair or enhance any relationship. These tips and tools will be here, on my Facebook page, my Twitter posts, my You Tube channel, and my Weekly Perspectives on clintstonebraker.com. I would love for all of you to participate, so please make comments, ask questions, or just read along.I will also be making several appearances around Atlanta beginning on April 21st at The Coffee Pot in Alpharetta, Georgia. You can view my current schedule at clintstonebraker.com.

The Premise

Basic spring cleaning techniques involve removing clutter, organizing, scrubbing and polishing. We all know, getting started is the hardest part, yet in the end, we usually feel a whole lot better about our environment and ourselves. It is possible to apply these same simple methods to improve our relationships. Any spouse, romantic partner, friend, family member, boss or employee can immediately improve the quality of their relationships by following these four spring-cleaning basics:

  • remove the clutter (identify limiting beliefs)
  • organize (acknowledge and prioritize your needs)
  • scrub what’s dirty (take responsibility for one’s own behavior)
  • polish everything (pay close attention to everyday interactions)

How It Will Work

My posts over the next month will have a little different focus each week.

  • Week 1 (next week) will focus on romance and marriage
  • Week 2 will focus on  friendship
  • Week 3 will focus on business/work relationships
  • Week 4 will focus on family relationships

Check in often and participate. I look forward to hearing from all of you as we strengthen our connecting skills and Spring Clean Our Relationships!

Posted in: Spring Cleaning Your Relationships.
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Be Like The South African Waiter: Remember The Value Of Service

Apr 13th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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I love dining on cruise ships. It is one of the best aspects of a cruise. One particular dining experience stands out to me from a cruise my family took on Royal Caribbean Liberty. This experience stands out as much for the transformation I saw the staff go through as for the actual dining itself.

In our dining room we had a headwaiter, a waiter, and a waiter’s assistant, none of whom spoke English as a first language. The headwaiter was from South Africa, the waiter from Chile, and the assistant from Peru. Some of the conversations were very interesting; especially once you throw in my “hearing challenged” father-in-law.

The Issue

My family had trouble with the assistant waiter, whose primary responsibilities consisted of serving drinks and bread. He was very slow and sometimes would act as if he heard our requests but didn’t follow through. It seemed like some things were getting lost in translation. We weren’t sure if he didn’t care or if he really didn’t understand what we were saying. Regardless, this situation became very frustrating.

The Solution

The second night our South African headwaiter asked if the service was good. She was sincerely asking too, it wasn’t the pat “I have to ask this so I’m going to” kind of question, she really wanted to know. We let her know the problems we were having. She explained to us that the assistant was new and the staff sometimes had trouble communicating with the Peruvian employees, a lot gets lost in translation. She wasn’t overly apologetic; she simply expressed her gratitude for our feedback and said it would be taken care of. From that point on, we had fantastic service. The service was already out of this world, but this simple conversation made it even better. The assistant waiter never appeared surly or angry, we never would have known if anybody had spoken with him about our complaint.

The Valuable Lesson

“Be Like a South African Waiter,” means to always have an attitude of service. Always have the mindset of “How can I help.” As common a principle as this is, it is far too often overlooked or taken for granted.   Our South African waiter was of service to us, the customers, and the assistant waiter, her employee. She wasn’t simply sucking up to my family with a false “the customer is always right” kind of attitude. She sincerely wanted to help everyone involved. As a result of her attitude, everyone was helped.

Maintaining a sincere attitude of service is valuable in all relationships. One of the quickest and most effective ways to improve self-perception is to find ways to help others. Make it a point to find a way to be of service to someone every day. It isn’t a difficult or daunting task. Some examples include:

  • putting away your grocery cart
  • emptying the dishwasher
  • offering to help clean after a party, meeting, or gathering

The more you can be like a South African waiter, the better you will feel about yourself. As a result your relationships will improve, even those that are already good.

Posted in: Action steps, Business Relationships, relationships.
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Get the Patch or Take the Pill: Simple Tools to Enhance Relationships

Apr 5th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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One great feature of any cruise is that there are several excursions available at  different ports of call.  In St. Maarten, Royal Caribbean offers one called Snuba. “Snuba” is basically diving that doesn’t require certification. A tank sits on a raft and there are several tubes coming out attached to breathing regulators. Each person gets a regulator and can dive up to 20 feet.

On the day my family decided to “snuba”, the sea was a little rough. My wife, Wendy,  has a tendency to get seasick and she had mentioned that fact several times. But she was ill-prepared. There are several methods to avoid sea-sickness but Wendy chose to ignore them all. As we rode out to the snorkel and snuba spot, the little boat started rocking. I watched as Wendy’s complexion changed from normal, to Casper the Friendly Ghostish, to a not so flattering Incredible Hulk green. There were others who were a bit worse, but Wendy had it pretty bad.

The point is that in any relationship there is always a solution. There is always something that can be done to insure everyone’s best interests are met. This can be as challenging as sitting down for hours to hash out an agreement; sometimes it is as simple as agreeing with the person sitting across from you. If people are willing to be patient and take the time to communicate and work together, a solution will be found. Even if the end result is the relationship coming to an end, with preparation and communication the solution settled upon will be best for all concerned.

For example, those who are doing well in the current economic climate are people who get themselves out of the worrisome, scarcity driven mind set and ask for help. People who seek solutions rather than wait for disaster to strike before taking action. The businesses in which people take the pill or put the patches behind their ear are experiencing more success because they are prepared and take preventative measures. Individuals who are motivated by moving forward and creating relationships based in love and positivity find people who support their success. They are driven by solutions more than they are driven by fear.

Keep yourself prepared, that’s what “Get the Patch or Take the Pill” means. Just like Wendy could have easily avoided becoming sea sick, any person or business can steer clear of unnecessary conflict by taking simple measures:

  • Be clear about your definition of success and happiness
  • Make it a priority to surround yourself with people who support you and provide you with accountability
  • Evaluate your relationships regularly

Creating happy and joyful partnerships isn’t always as daunting a process as it seems. Most of the time it simply takes clarity,commitment, and flexibility. When situations are more complex, having a positive attitude can make the difference in how quickly a resolution is found. Your mind-set is something over which you always have control.


Posted in: Business Relationships, relationships.
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Be Prepared for the Death Spiral

Mar 26th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Photo by: Just Ree via Flickr

Have you ever been ice skating in the Caribbean…. on a boat? A feature of the Royal Caribbean Liberty ship is an ice skating rink.Skating on this vessel was as odd an experience as it sounds. To feel the boat sway, just a little bit, while skating around this tiny little rink is something I think everyone should experience at least once.

One purpose of the rink was to hold an ice show. Around the ice rink was a tiny auditorium. As the show started I remember thinking, this is a tiny little rink, yet these skaters are gliding along, jumping, and spinning as if they were on a full size sheet of ice at Madison Square Garden. I was impressed with the skaters’ ability to maintain their balance and perform gracefully.

One of the skaters who stood out was a huge bald guy.  Of course, he was the main performer.He tossed  the female skaters around with no problem. At the climax of the show, the star was featured in a pair’s routine with a tiny female skater. They were darting around the ice, he was throwing her up and catching her, it was great to watch. At the end of their routine, however, I saw something I was not prepared for at all.

The Death Spiral

They maneuvered to the far side of the rink and as the star skater picked up this petite, little woman, he began to spin. The faster he spun, the faster she spun. I was convinced her head was going to slam into the ice and I would have to witness this horrible, violent event with my ten year old daughter. Fortunately, the routine ended, the skaters returned to their positions unscathed, and the audience was left cheering and in awe. Later, my wife excitedly said, “They did a death spiral?! I can’t believe I missed it! That’s awesome!” That wasn’t exactly my reaction.Photo by: Daniskates via Flickr

The Skaters Explanation

The next day on a tender boat from an excursion we happened to sit next to the skaters I had seen the day before doing the routine! I had to ask them about the death spiral. He called it “The Skull Cracker”, by the way. I was in awe about it, yet the skaters seemed so non-chalant. It turns out they have been skating together for eighteen years and are also married. They have built a lot of trust. I said to the male skater, “It’s a good thing you’re as strong as you are.” He responded, without a hint of false modesty, “Her strength is as important as mine. In order to keep her body as straight as she does above the ice has nothing to do with me, it’s all her strength.”

Applied to Relationships

Think about that in a relationship context. In a healthy  relationship you absolutely need trust. You also need mutuality. Everyone’s best interests must be kept in mind, if not someone feels taken advantage of and trust is destroyed. A successful relationship requires strength on both sides. There are unexpected challenges that arise which will need both parties to remain strong and committed. For the skater to not slam her head into the ice she had to have trust, mutuality, strength, and commitment. She had to know her husband had those characteristics as well. If either wavered, it would be disastrous. The same is true in your  relationships:

  • Be committed
  • Build trust
  • Know your strengths

Maintain these characteristics and you will always be prepared for the death spiral.

Posted in: relationships.
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You Vill Get On Zee Board!

Mar 19th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Photo by: jennifer_wilkinson via Flickr

One of my absolute favorite experiences on a cruise I went on last year was a surfing/boogie board simulator called the Flow Rider. On the Flow Rider the water is coming out at 35MPH which makes it easy to glide along on your boogie board. The person operating the ride was a big athletic guy with a thick accent. My wife and I called him the Arnold Schwarzenegger of the Flow Rider. He wasn’t as concerned about the time it took for people to get on the board as he was about people actually getting on the board.

Some of the younger kids, as you can imagine, just hopped up like it was nothing, but some people, like me, needed some guidance and coaching. Hearing “You Vill Get On Zee Board” was very reassuring. It was clear he meant what he said. There was little doubt he would do his part to make it happen.

His attitude is the essence of this technique:

Be aware of the value you bring to the relationship.

  • “Arnold” exuded confidence. He knew what he was doing, and as a result it was easy to have confidence in him.
  • He brought value in the form of being knowledgeable about the equipment, experience in being able to teach people how to have fun on the ride, and his physical presence which made you feel he could take care of you if something went wrong.

In any  relationship you are bringing something of value to the table. When you know this as fact, whomever you’re interacting with will be aware of your value and the relationship is more likely to be positive. Be like “Arnold.” Be confident in who you are and what you do,  and you’ll get people on the boogie board.

Posted in: Business Relationships, relationships.
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Don’t Get Caught Buck Naked (or Nekkid)

Mar 9th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
1 comment

“Don’t Get Caught Buck Naked.” Sounds like some pretty sound relationship advice, doesn’t it? In fact, this tool is effective in just about any relationship you can conceive; professional, friendship, parent to child, child to parent, or (unfortunately) some marriages and romances. I learned this valuable lesson, and how to apply this technique in relationships, through an embarrassing and avoidable situation.

How We Got There

In March of 2009  I went on a cruise with my in-laws Bob and Joy,my wife, and daughter. We had adjacent staterooms so we asked the attendant to open the divider between our balconies in order to have a mega-balcony for everyone to enjoy. This set up worked out great with the exception of one unfavorable encounter.

The Situation

When I get dressed I tend to take my time and dawdle a bit. This is especially true if I’m going to be wearing a suit. On one of the formal nights I had the room to myself and was just out of the shower. I took advantage of the opportunity to take my time and air dry. There I was, walking around buck naked not even considering the possibility of someone walking by the sliding glass door. I didn’t look to see if the blinds were closed. The last thing I expected to see was Bob standing at the door, frozen in place. But that is precisely what I saw. As our eyes locked, I realized the current physical state I was in.  I suddenly became conscious of the situation and immediately dropped to the floor yelling “Naked!” as he turned his back to the door.

The Lesson Learned

Of course, we never spoke of this again but I was able to learn some valuable lessons.

  1. In  any relationship, clear and honest communication is critical. The only way another human being can be aware of our wants, needs, or our boundaries is to be clear in our communication. Had I communicated clearly to my in-laws that they may want to knock before popping in front of our door, we could have avoided an embarrassing situation.
  2. If you are up front and clear with people you engage on any level, there are no misunderstandings.
  3. To have successful  relationships you must know where your partner stands and what is important to them.

For any relationship to work, the lines of communication must be wide open. This can’t be a one-way street. Both sides need to be open and both sides must listen. That way no one gets caught buck-naked.

Posted in: Business Relationships, relationships.
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