Simple Steps To Change Negative Patterns And Create Emotional Security

Jul 21st, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Wouldn’t it be relieving to know negative patterns of behavior could be changed? Most are afraid to make any kind of transformation due to the fear of the unknown. A feeling of emotional security can be created by staying within the status quo.  Many fight for predictability even though negative patterns can be created. Sometimes years fly by before we come to the realization that we are simply living the life expected of us, as opposed to seeking new experiences and awareness.  There is a degree of comfort in traditions and knowing that preceding generations have lived the same way.  This cyclical pattern affects all aspects of life, from a sense of self worth to the quality of relationships.

If you have become aware of yourself repeating negative patterns, there are some very simple steps you can take to create positive results:

  • Make a note of the pattern you want to change.
  • Write down several ways how this pattern manifests in your life.
  • Share this awareness with an objective person.
  • Make a simple plan of specific actions you can take to change your direction.

Involving the assistance of an objective person is critical. It is difficult to maintain any honest self-appraisal. It can be a challenge for anyone who is emotionally to close to your situation to offer direct and frank advice.  With the help of a trusted friend, coach or mentor, you will discover areas of your life you may not see on your own and you will establish accountability.  With this connection, you will feel empowered and more likely to make the real changes you desire. This outside perspective will remind you how far you have come and encourage you to keep moving forward.

So start today!   Begin to notice where you act without awareness. Observe situations in which you find yourself reacting in ways you do not like.  Choose to take the simple steps to begin a new chapter in your life.  One where you live the life you really want.

Posted in: Action steps, relationships.
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Be Positive! Improve Your Thinking To Create Success And Happiness

Jul 14th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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It is hard to deny that so much of success and happiness is based on positive ways of thinking.  Most of us are aware that a hopeful attitude is one of the keys to the expansion of forward thinking.  Of course, optimism alone accomplishes only a part of the puzzle.  One must be willing to take action to ensure progress towards real success. The combination of positive ways of thinking, the resolve to follow through with new ideas, and the development of supportive relationships create a recipe for favorable outcomes.

“Nothing limits achievement like small thinking; nothing expands possibilities like unleashed imagination.” ~ William Arthur Ward


In order to connect with limitless possibility, it is necessary to commit to creating supportive relationships.  This can involve many challenges because supportive doesn’t always mean comfortable. Creating the right relationships for success involves being stretched beyond the normal definitions of security. Positive connections create accountability to the commitments made to grow and change. It is vital to be aware of how partnerships affect thinking.  Regular evaluations of an individual’s relationships can create an environment of growth and positive change.

A Simple Assessment To Evaluate Relationships

  • Does this relationship challenge my ideas?
  • Do conversations support expansion of thinking or suppression of ideas?
  • Does this relationship encourage compassion?

Finding the answers to these questions can provide you with tremendous insight into the condition of any relationship. Often, people will hold on to friendships and other connections because of the fear of being alone. No matter how scary honest evaluation can be, the knowledge gained from accurate appraisals is vital. With this awareness you can find a specific direction to go in to continue your personal growth. The combination of your desire to grow and a system of support makes the road a lot less treacherous.  The more we know about ourselves and our relationships, the more we can create positive attitudes, inspire action, and strengthen our resolve.

Posted in: Action steps, relationships.
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Do You Struggle To Accept Different Opinions? How To Avoid Conflict

Jul 7th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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Do you struggle with accepting different opinions?  Conflicts often begin as a result of trying to convince someone else to see a situation the same way you do.  You have every right to your opinion and the free expression of it.  It is important to remember, however, so do those with whom you don’t agree.

As people, we thrive on validation and connection.  Having our contemporaries support and understand our viewpoints feels good and keeps our hearts open.  We experience a sense of unity and advocacy.  It only becomes problematic when one party attempts to suppress the opinions of another.

Contrasting perspectives enhance life.  Although it may be rare for someone to change their mind, being exposed to differing beliefs can be very healthy as we learn to become explorers in this complex and multi-faceted world we live in.  Through listening to someone else’s ideas we may choose to create positive change in our life, or it may strengthen our current decisions and personal power.

“Don’t rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can’t love and respect yourself – no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are – completely; the good and the bad – and make changes as YOU see fit – not because you think someone else wants you to be different.”     ~ Stacey Charter

To be able to accept another person’s opinion is a symptom of healthy self-acceptance.  It is always good to know who you are, what you believe, and why you have the perspectives you do.  Enjoy sharing your insights, and even more importantly, learn to enjoy listening to the insights of others.  All of this enriches life.

Posted in: relationships.
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How To Keep Personal Power And End Self-Deception In Relationships

Jun 30th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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No one can make you feel anything. Your personal power can only be given away by you. No one can take it from you.  Every time you utter a statement that claims: he (she, they, or anything else) makes or made you feel a certain way, you have entered the world of self-deception. This is a pattern that can be stopped. In order to create a high level of happiness it is imperative to maintain personal power.

Change Your Mentality

Many are conditioned to play the victim role in relationships.  As a result of this self-defeating mentality, people find themselves living out negative patterns over and over again.  If you find yourself stuck in relationship patterns in which you feel your emotions are being controlled, there are a few things you can do to begin breaking the victim mentality.

  • Make a list of the relationships which bring up negative thoughts or feelings.
  • For each one, write a specific event that occurred within each relationship when you last felt stressed, angry or sad.
  • As you look at each item, determine where you gave your power to the other person.
  • Write down what you believe might have occurred if you stayed calm, confident and in your power.  How might it shift the dynamic within therelationship?
  • Develop a simple plan of action to begin your transformation towards a more positive non-victim role in each relationship on your list.

Your Power Is Yours

If a person has the power to “make” you feel a certain way, it is because you have given your power away. It can seem as if it is impossible to remove yourself from this dynamic. It isn’t. If you want this to change you must decide it is no longer acceptable to be in this emotionally submissive position.  Don’t blame other people for your emotional state. Be responsible for the condition of your relationships and enjoy the positive change towards living authentically… no matter who you are with!

Posted in: Action steps, relationships.
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Tools For A Happy Life: Three Simple Steps to Change

Jun 23rd, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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I remember one major epiphany that impacted my entire life. It was the realization that I had the power to overcome my obstacles and participate in creating a life I truly desire. All of a sudden, it seemed so simple; I needed to take responsibility for myself, define success clearly for myself and build solid relationships with supportive people. Prior to this realization, I felt like a victim of my circumstances without the power to change it. After a series of self-inflicted misfortunes and countless attempts from others to reach out, I made the decision and created real change.

The three simple steps to start your journey towards change are:

Step 1: Take Responsibility

By taking responsibility for what we can change, we open ourselves up to numerous possibilities. If we focus on having been dealt a bad hand or what others have done to us, we stay grounded in dysfunction. It is impossible to move forward while we are weighed down by misfortune; real or perceived. Taking responsibility for our part in our journey, gives us the power to start the process of real growth.

Step 2: Find a Personal Definition of Success

Many of us get caught in the trap of comparing our definition of success to others. When we clarify success for ourselves, we build a life we will truly appreciate and enjoy. When we trust our personal definition, we no longer are we subject to the judgments and opinions of others. No one is on the exact same path, so be confident in yours.

Step 3: Build Relationships with People on a Similar Path

With this new found sense of responsibility and a sense of what success is, it is vital to find support. Relationships based on shared passions and enthusiasm, help us to grow. It is not healthy to stick around those who want us to stay the same forever. Having relationships with people on a similar path of growth allows us to remain humble and teachable.

These three important steps can be the key ingredients to a solid foundation for living. With the awareness of self-responsibility, our personal definition of success and finding healthy support systems, it is much easier to create and live a life of powerful change.

Posted in: Action steps.
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Stop Resisting Change: What We Can Learn From The Pioneers

Jun 16th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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You can stop resisting change. Although any transition is scary, the fear doesn’t have to lead to debilitating resistance. Change means a phase of  life is coming to an end. This can apply to a job, a scholastic career or a relationship. In order to step into what is new or possible, it is imperative to recognize what needs to be released  in order to continue progressing in life.

Lessons Of The Oregon Trail

For 25 years, between 1841 and 1866, people uprooted themselves and their entire lives to head west. Estimates range between 250,000 to 650,000 people, who made the trip along the Oregon Trail.  They were looking for new opportunities they heard about through the grapevine. People had heard stories about the successes others had experienced from Oregon to California, Utah to Colorado and Montana to Washington. They were inspired to take the same journey, hoping for better lives.

What they might not have taken into consideration was how difficult the journey would be or what they would have to let go of in order to get there. Many wanted to bring their entire lives along with them. They brought all the precious items that would remind them of the people and places they left behind – grandfather clocks, pianos, books, china and more. Along the journey, as they realized how weighted down they were with material things, the trail became littered with any items not considered crucial to survival.

In order to get over the mountains, these pioneers realized there was a lot they needed to let go of. They had to release what was comfortable and familiar to be successful in completing their journey. After all, when creating a new world and adapting to a new reality, that’s what it takes.

Let Go Of Old Belief Systems

When we are going through any transition, large or small, pay particular attention to what is difficult to let go of. Notice the thoughts that come to the surface. Just like the pioneers had to let go of pianos, grandfather clocks and pot belly stoves to make it through the mountains, we must let go of our old belief systems and modes of operation which are no longer effective.

Sometimes, we must close old doors to allow new doors to open in our lives.

Posted in: Change/Transition, letting go.
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Create Strong Relationships: How To Define The Life You Desire

Jun 9th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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In order to create strong relationships, it is vital to clearly define what kind of life you desire. You can decide to be a lonely, friendless and curmudgeonly old hermit who complains all of the time. If this isn’t the kind of life you want it is possible to change course at any time.

Chances are you want to lead a joyful, exciting, and fun life. You probably long to have relationships with people who can support you when needed and with whom you can share any triumphs you experience. A full life is at least partially defined by the relationships you have. One way to define success and happiness is by being able to fulfill and share your dreams and desires.

An important part of this definition is learning to create enough flexibility to change direction when it will benefit you and the people with whom you are involved. It is important to have principles and convictions to live by. It is equally important  to have the ability to differentiate between contrasting opinions and fundamental disagreements of principle.

When you compromise principles in order to have a relationship, a tremendous amount of energy can be wasted trying to convince the other person your opinions are right. When you form relationships with people you are emotionally compatible with, you can recognize differences in opinion without becoming angry. Your opinions, principles, and definitions of happiness have been formed through your life experiences. When these definitions are solid, there is less of a need to defend them. As a result of not being defensive, you will be much more open to the opinions of others. With this openness, you can attract people into your life with whom you can build strong relationships, even if you don’t agree on everything.You are also able to avoid potentially harmful relationships. You stay in touch with the only life you need to concern yourself with: your own.

Exercise

Make a wish list of the kind of life you want. How do you envision your relationships in five years? What steps could you take today to begin living that life?

Posted in: relationships.
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Does Intimacy Scare You? Three Simple Tools To End Isolation

Jun 2nd, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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The biggest challenge facing people in establishing intimacy is having the willingness to let go of what no longer serves them: fear being the most powerful. If someone actually realizes no one wants to be around him, the solution is to take a look within and begin the process of letting go of the perceptions, ideas, and fears creating the isolation. Isolation is scary, and nothing breaks the human spirit faster. There is a reason prisons use isolation as a means of punishing inmates who break the prison rules. When a person who already feels isolated is left alone with his thoughts, regrets, and fears, he will reach a state of hopelessness.

Anyone is capable of reaching a state of openness and vulnerability.When a person has a desire to connect with others, he can then find the courage to begin taking a look at the blocks standing in his way. He will seek out people who can help him change his perceptions and preconceived judgments. He can discover what is truly important and begin to build a life based on the solid foundation of these principles. Intimacy will begin to become more of a natural state of being rather than something avoided. Finally, he can realize that through every intimate relationship formed, he becomes more and more capable of achieving the life of his dreams.

  • People remain stuck in a pattern of unhappiness when they are slaves to their fears.
  • A key to responding positively to fear is establishing clear communication.
  • A major challenge in establishing intimacy is learning to let go of fearful thinking.

A simple exercise to begin the process of letting go of fears that negatively affect relationships includes:

  1. List five fears you know have affected your relationships
  2. List five fearful behaviors you have changed and the effect this has had on your relationships. If you can’t think of any, list some fearful behaviors you want to change.
  3. Commit to letting go of at least one irrational fear you have held on to. Begin the process of letting go of this fear immediately. Consult with someone to devise a plan of action.

These simple tools can make a tremendous difference in anyone’s ability to establish closer relationships. It is possible to break the cycle of loneliness and isolation. These tools can be a powerful beginning.

Posted in: relationships.
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Are Your Fears Running Your Life? How To Respond Instead Of React

May 26th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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People learn to either respond to or react to fears. When someone reacts to his fears, he generally expects something to go dreadfully wrong, and as a result may lash out at the people around him. The most common reaction to fear is anger. Because this reaction is typical, it is often accepted as being o.k. Anger isn’t inherently bad, but it is important to see it for what it is. Anger is a reaction to fear or hurt.

If someone only focuses on anger, rather than dealing with what is causing an angry reaction, a negative pattern is left unresolved. Only looking at symptoms doesn’t create real and lasting change.

In a routine physical, one of the first things the doctor does is the reflex test. The doctor takes the rubber mallet and gently raps the knee. The leg instinctively kicks out as a reaction to this strike. If the doctor is standing in front he may take a direct kick as a result of this reaction. How the reflexes respond gives the doctor some insight into a person’s overall condition. If something is wrong, the doctor will take the opportunity to see if there is a more serious problem.

When people hold onto a high level of fear, most of their perceptions are illogical; and they find it difficult to find people they can trust. In fact, they find people to be generally untrustworthy; therefore, they continue to attract people into their lives that reinforce this belief. They are on the whole unhappy and feel lonely. In order to be removed from this cycle of reaction:

  • a person must recognize that living in a constant state of fearful neurosis perpetuates loneliness
  • it is vital to realize anger hinders the ability to connect with anything positive. This includes people, places, and joyful experiences
  • there must be a desire to create a more positive outlook

It is possible to develop positive techniques to deal with anger. It begins with a sincere desire to change. When someone decides to make this transition the first steps toward a solution have already been made.

Photo Credit:Svadilfari via: Flickr

Posted in: belief systems.
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Do Your Children Communicate Clearly? How To Help Positive Communication

May 19th, 2010
by Clint Stonebraker.
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What is one of the most important skills human beings develop? It is the ability to communicate. People  first learn to communicate at home. When a parent’s priorities are centered on building a loving relationship with his child, he works to set up an environment conducive to everyone feeling safe to express themselves openly and honestly.

Often the adults in a household have the freedom to scream, holler, rant, and rave; but when their child so much as raises her voice, she is punished.


Consider the mixed message sent to the child. An adult has the right to express his or her emotions in any way seen fit; but a child is worth less than an adult, therefore, she must learn to behave herself and be quiet.

The parent rationalizes this with the idea he is teaching his child respect or discipline. The parent is probably living out of his own negative family scripting.

He is teaching his child a very dangerous coping mechanism, how to misplace her emotions. The child is upset or angry, but is told she cannot express her feelings. No matter what the child was upset about initially, her anger will be directed at her parents. This misplaced anger will be manifested in some way, shape, or form. No human being is able to bottle up feelings and maintain any semblance of mental or emotional well-being. These emotions come out at some point.

• A key to ending negative scripting patterns within a family is to create a safe and loving environment.

• When the focus of parenting is on the relationship it is easier to avoid unrealistic expectations.

  • A child’s feelings are as real and powerful as an adult’s; they should not be discounted.

Three Tips To Encourage Positive Communication With Children

  1. Remember children’s feelings are as powerful as adults but kids lack the same coping skills
  2. Children who are free to express emotions at home are less likely to act out away from home, provide them with a safe place to vent their feelings
  3. Support children, don’t try to change the way they feel

Emotions aren’t right or wrong. When children have the freedom to talk about their feelings they will, most likely, talk. Adults should remain aware to not judge a child’s emotions, the child will process the feelings if given the chance.

Photo Credit: Kris Hoet via: Flickr

Posted in: parenting.
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